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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

883 replies

Smellbellina · 28/06/2020 22:03

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

OP posts:
Royalbloo · 03/07/2020 19:44

Want a simple way to "make" him leave? Next time he does it phone the police - they took my ex DH's keys from him.

bathsh3ba · 03/07/2020 19:50

If a guy did that to me, or even said he wanted to or would like to do it to me, I would be out the door in a flash. Far too dangerous to wait and see.

Original poster
Smellbellina · 03/07/2020 19:50

Thanks, I feel so low at the moment but hopefully I will feel better as time goes on.
My purse is at the house, we have a couple of outfits each, if I think about it too much I panic.
I suppose do at least have the important things with me, DC and DDog!

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 03/07/2020 19:51

No way! Hands round the neck is fucking scary!

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 03/07/2020 19:54

I suppose do at least have the important things with me, DC and DDog!

Absolutely. Everything else can be collected at a later date or replaced. You’re out and safe so that’s all that matters at the moment. At some point soon, you can get someone to help you recover your stuff Flowers

Dartsplayer · 03/07/2020 20:11

So pleased to hear you are out of there and safe. Well done for reporting him to the police. Can you BIL go and collect some of your things? The main thing is that you, you DC and DDog are safe

LakieLady · 03/07/2020 20:12

@Smellbellina just caught up with this thread and I'm so glad (and relieved) that you're out, and safe, AND going to make a statement.

Whenever you have a wobbly moment, or hour, or day (and you're bound to have one or two) just get on here and you'll get all the support you need. Flowers

LakieLady · 03/07/2020 20:25

Is it normal to feel more scared, more upset, more panicked, more hopeless, more impotent and just like going to sleep and never waking up again after you have made a statement?

Yes, OP, it's normal. There's something about the somewhat formal nature of making a statement, and reliving events in a semi-detached kind of way that compounds the shock, I think.

But this too will pass. There are stages to recovering and moving on from trauma that are a bit like stages of grief imo. It's like climbing a big hill, there are points when you think you're almost at the top and then when you get there, it's not the top at all but just a level bit with more hill beyond.

But it will get easier, and you will get stronger, and recover more quickly after each tough bit. And keep reminding yourself you're safe and you'll never have to take such a big step again.

You've done the hardest bit and I'm in awe of your courage.

IAmMeThisIsI · 03/07/2020 20:37

Men who strangle their partners are more likely to kill her. Run before your loved ones are visiting you in a morgue. Three strikes? You're stalling. Playing with fire girl.

Original poster
Smellbellina · 03/07/2020 20:39

I thought I had ‘dealt’ with the incidents from years ago, but making the statement today I realised I haven't ‘dealt’ with it at all, I have rationalised it, excused it, ‘got over’ it, buried it, all to continue trying to manage this situation without ‘provoking’ him further.
It’s raked it all up plus more.
I wish I could speak to my SIL but she was cross I went back, she warned me, she’s had to deal with so much herself because of DB and has come so far, and right now she is celebrating the birth of a GC so there is no way I will speak to her about it now, but I can’t wait til I can, I’m sure she will ‘get’ it and I really hope she will still be there for me.

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 03/07/2020 20:45

I’m sure she will ‘get’ it and I really hope she will still be there for me.

I’m sure she will. It’s hard to support someone when they make bad decisions but once she sees that you’re serious about leaving him, she will be there for you. She can’t get too involved and then watch you get hurt again. Flowers

Notenoughchocolateomg · 03/07/2020 20:47

A man who hurts you clearly doesn't love you. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you. Please leave.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 03/07/2020 22:33

Seriously no excuse not to RTFT anymore now that you can filter on OP’s posts only. Catch up!

Sundance5 · 03/07/2020 23:14

You don't need a solicitor you need a police officer.

BraveGoldie · 04/07/2020 08:00

Just coming on to give you my daily cheer, Smellbellina! You are doing so so well.

It makes total sense that you are scared and feel so drained... exactly as you say, you are moving into the unknown... but what we do know is that it will be safer. I am sure this will be a turbulent time as you put in place the elements of your new life and get him out of it.... you are both dealing with practical/ external upheaval AND a huge amount of emotional working through.

You can do it and we are here for you!

SandyY2K · 04/07/2020 08:29

I wish I could speak to my SIL but she was cross I went back, she warned me

I feel the same frustration with a friend. I can't even be bothered to ask how she is now, negate she should have long left her DP.

Her DD had seen her get beaten up, insulted and verbally abused yet she continues to stay in the relationship.

I've given her information about the impact on domestic abuse for children and its been going on for years.

Her DD told her he doesn't love you...he's mean to you and that's not enough to leave.

He'll buy a gift for her DD and threatens to take it back and still she stays. I just feel sorry for the child living like this and I hate that she doesn't put her DD first.

You don't know how stressful and how emotional it is listening to what he does and so she will not end the relationship once and for all.

The first time she opened up about the abuse I couldn't sleep and was having these visions of him standing on her head that she told me about.

She had a choice... her DD doesn't and that upsets me very much.

Lysianthus · 04/07/2020 09:08

@Smellbellina I’ve been following your posts and I’ve just come on again to wish you well, hope you’re bearing up, and not to sound too corny, ‘Happy Independence Day’! Stay strong and hug your DD and DDog 💐

jan9876 · 04/07/2020 09:13

Op just wanted to add that you have done SO well. You might not feel it yet, but you have taken the first, brave steps to building a healthy safe life for you and the dc. It will take time and you need to be kind to yourself and just keep reaching out to people.

CiderJolly · 04/07/2020 09:59

@Smellbellina
You’re a brave woman- to break free of his abuse after all this time.
Stay strong.

Bluesheep8 · 04/07/2020 10:22

I sound like a twat but I don’t think he will kill me next time.

This is the single most chilling thing I've read in a long, long time.
What would the little girl you once were, daydreaming about how her life would be make of growing up to make a statement like that?
This man has clearly damaged you in other ways op. Please get away now.

Bluesheep8 · 04/07/2020 10:23

Apologies, i hadnt rtft

Original poster
Smellbellina · 04/07/2020 10:28

‘Happy Independence Day’
Grin that made me smile.
I have spoken to the DC today as I had a message in the night to say he has been bailed etc, I needed to tell them we would never go ‘home’ and they couldn’t see him right now and I wasn’t sure when they next will and just explain really what the situation is and what we will do next.
I was dreading telling them (read the message at 3 and been up since!) but they all took it really well.
DD wanted to know if I died who her ‘legal guardian’ would be as she would like it to be GP not dad but she was also worried incase GP died because they’re old Sad I told her I will take extra special care not to die.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smellbellina · 04/07/2020 10:29

Bluesheep8 what you said was actually helpful anyway Smile

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 04/07/2020 10:33

DD wanted to know if I died who her ‘legal guardian’ would be as she would like it to be GP not dad but she was also worried incase GP died because they’re old sad I told her I will take extra special care not to die.. Oh bless her, how heart-breaking to hear Sad Flowers

AnnaNimmity · 04/07/2020 10:36

Your SIL may come round - it's hard being that person, seeing someone you care about go back to an abuser, particularly when they have children and to them it's a no brainer.

Have you got a friend you can confide in? Who you can phone and who can keep you strong? I had someone I phoned in floods of tears I called the police - she was there for me throughout. Not just support - she told me how it was when I started to doubt myself. In the meantime, keep posting on here. You're doing brilliantly.

And I found a counsellor very helpful too in those days immediately afterwards.