Page 29 | Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

Smellbellina · 2020-06-28T21:03:54+00:00

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor. 3 strikes, AIBU? I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

Twillow · 03/07/2020 07:37

Well done! Is there a reason you don't want to disclose history? How about making some notes for yourself, take it with you and see how you feel when you're making the statement.
I made a list and it really helped in wobbly moments to look at it and remind myself that it was a long and horrible series of unnaceptable events, not 'just' the odd 'outburst'.

JorisBonson · 03/07/2020 07:49

Well done @Smellbellina x

Vodkacranberryplease · 03/07/2020 07:54

So glad you have done this. Please make an official statement and don't back out. How can anyone help you if you don't - and how can they help another woman if it's not on file? The police are there to stop crime and they really struggle when people don't make statements or press charges because then their hands are tied.

They can't do anything to protect you or anyone else if it's not in the system. So, well done. He really is dangerous. You are doing the right thing even though it feels hard. Stand tall and be proud of yourself as a woman, and as a mother.

Throckmorton · 03/07/2020 11:12

Well done you brave woman!!

Hailtomyteeth · 03/07/2020 11:27

Thank you for doing this. Tell them everything.

I'm the woman pinned to the floor, husband kneeling on my upper arms to keep me down, while his hands tightened around my neck. I'm still here but he was never called to account for what he did, and now he's dead.

Yours will find out he can't behave like this any longer. And most importantly, you'll be safe.

BraveGoldie · 03/07/2020 11:46

Oh OP- well done! Well done! I am so so proud of you - for you and what you are doing for all women who manage to stand up against such abuse.....

I know you must be scared. I know. Which makes it just more admirable. We are all here for you. I understand you not wanting to dredge things up, but the fuller information they have the better. I hope also it will be another stage for you in allowing yourself to see how much you have been through and how wrong it is. You are not alone. The costs of what he has done need to start being on him - not you, not your DD, not your dog.

Keep safe.... I am so relieved you are doing this.... am sending you all the supportive vibes I can for the interview. Xx

TooTrueToBeGood · 03/07/2020 12:02

You should be really proud of yourself. It's easy for outsiders to tell you what to do and how to do it but it's never as easy for the victim. Well done you and stay strong. Just watch your back and make sure your family and friends are fully in the loop so they can watch your back too. Hopefully he will go quietly but he may not. Log and report every single incidence of threat or intimidation. The police and other agencies can support and protect you but only if they have something to work with.

HillieBoliday · 03/07/2020 13:03

Hailtimyteeth

OddBoots · 03/07/2020 13:13

Well done, that was far from easy. I hope you get an IDVA to support you.

Systemrelevant · 03/07/2020 16:10

Amazing! Hope today went well. Keep going!

Systemrelevant · 03/07/2020 16:10

Amazing! Hope today went well. Keep going!

pickingdaisies · 03/07/2020 16:36

So relieved to see your update OP. There was a segment on R4 woman's hour the other day about a campaign to make strangulation a specific offence, a major reason being that some police are not taking it seriously enough. I thought of you as I listened to it. I'm so very glad you and your DC are safe now.

Original poster

Smellbellina · 03/07/2020 17:19

Is it normal to feel more scared, more upset, more panicked, more hopeless, more impotent and just like going to sleep and never waking up again after you have made a statement?
My whole life feels like wreckage. DD now says she did see bits but I haven’t asked for details and she doesn’t want to give them.
He is making counter allegations that I am abusive to the children and I threatened him with a knife.

OP posts:

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 03/07/2020 17:36

He is making counter allegations that I am abusive to the children and I threatened him with a knife

Yes sadly not uncommon to make counter allegations to throw attention away from themselves. The police are used to this bull crap.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/07/2020 17:38

You have probably been living on adrenaline for a long time. A slump is normal. Also it is exhausting digging through painful memories.

Don’t think about his counter allegations, it’s all part of him attempting to control the narrative.

ponygirlcurtis · 03/07/2020 17:39

I would say it is normal. With someone as awful as him, things may get worse before they get better. But they will get better - if you do nothing, there's zero chance of them getting better (and every chance they will get worse). It is not going to be an easy time ahead, but use all the resources at your disposal. You are doing fantastically, but I know you won't feel like that right now.

Ginkypig · 03/07/2020 17:50

@ponygirlcurtis

I would say it is normal. With someone as awful as him, things may get worse before they get better. But they will get better - if you do nothing, there's zero chance of them getting better (and every chance they will get worse). It is not going to be an easy time ahead, but use all the resources at your disposal. You are doing fantastically, but I know you won't feel like that right now.

This is what I would have written if it hadn't already been said.

Yes it is normal, it feels horrible but it is normal. but the feeling is temporary once you are further down the road those feelings will begin to fade and in place the freedom and safety and comfort will take its place. I'm not saying you won't still be affected but on a day to day level things will ease considerably for you emotionally.

Yes he will come up with various and random plans and accusations so he can either keep control or try to punish you in somway, deal calmly with each one, and involve whatever agency or professional needed to help you deal with it, keep staying on the straight path and step around the boulders he keeps dropping and eventually you'll get so far down it that he can't do anything to stop you anymore.

BraveGoldie · 03/07/2020 18:27

Oh OP well done for going through with the statement!

I can totally understand you feeling worse after. You are coming to terms with the awful experiences you have gone through and the statement is a huge step forward in doing that. Oh it is so hard and you are really brave.

Be gentle with yourself. Everything you feel is ok.... just let it out and give yourself a break if you possibly can.

Sending

MsJinks · 03/07/2020 18:43

Of course he is making counter allegations- can’t blame himself 😡 - you’ve done so well but yes, it’s going to feel like carp. However, you’ve taken the step over that hump of a statement and that is never going away - so now just know that however hard it is standing still, it would be 100x worse moving backwards - keep that in mind, remember the horrible fear with him and stay with where you are at. You will unfreeze and this will become your new normal, humans can’t live in that mode of flight/freeze/fight - your body will settle a bit and then your mind - then you can take another step. I still would urge you to find support from women’s aid or similar - they can talk you through it all the way. Your life with him is also a habit and they’re hard to break - it sounds so ridiculous until you’ve been there but it’s just ‘easier’ to go back to what you know until sometimes the right time happens and you can break away. Hope it’s this time for you OP - do be kind to yourself - you are doing amazingly well xx

Original poster

Smellbellina · 03/07/2020 18:58

sounds so ridiculous until you’ve been there but it’s just ‘easier’ to go back to what you know

This is definitely part of it, I was trying to explain to the DC that I feel more anxious now because usually I know what to expect, and how to deal with it, and now I don’t. I don’t think she got it, she didn’t seem interested once I’d signed the statement.

OP posts:

Mistybee · 03/07/2020 19:03

You leave if this happens once

This is very, very dangerous

Why are you waiting for him to do it again? He might kill you next time

Original poster

Smellbellina · 03/07/2020 19:12

🤦‍♀️ Thanks.

OP posts:

AnnaNimmity · 03/07/2020 19:31

well done OP, you've been really brave.

I think you have done the best thing for your children possible - I know it will be hard to hear what they say, but you've got them out! I know people who stay in abusive relationships regardless of their children (I do know it's not that straightforward).

I had a boyfriend who attacked me a couple of times. I didn't leave after the first time (because I was so brainwashed didn't see it as violent). In the months between the two events he started putting his hands on my neck even though I asked him not to. After the second time he hurt me, I did leave. Then I spoke to his ex who had a child with him and wanted to get back with him. I warned her She told me some really chilling stories about how he had hurt her, including increasingly that he put his hands around his neck - in her case during fights and arguments. She had witnesses and had gone to the police.

After we spoke for a while though she started calling me a liar. Presumably blanked all of that stuff. and denied he was abusive. At other times she said he had changed. I know abuse is powerful, but I know the links between strangulation and death, and what abuse does to children too. I have no reason for be her friend but her child doesn't deserve this.

Also I think it was very brave of you to go to the police. I did too after he attacked me the second time . And it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done.

Well done. Please do get all the support you can in the coming months. Memories start to fade and it gets harder, not easier ime. I also now work with many women who have suffered domestic abuse.

AnnaNimmity · 03/07/2020 19:34

and yes I can understand why you feel more anxious now than you did. I had to go onto antidepressants because my anxiety was so bad.

Talk to people, get support and keep safe. x

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 03/07/2020 19:38

He is making counter allegations that I am abusive to the children and I threatened him with a knife.

They’ll see this all the time. Don’t let him faze you. It’s part of the abusers script. DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. Just let the police and children’s services etc help you to keep your DC safe, go along with whatever they require of you, and you won’t have a problem with them. The fact that you reported him shows that you wanted to keep your DC safe - as he only reported you afterwards he hasn’t shown that he’s trying to keep them safe from his alleged knife W wielding abuser - just that he’s trying to get back at you.