Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

[Smellbellina]

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

@summerrose11 maybe read the thread before making such a pointless comment.

You do need to complain that the DASH assessment wasn't done. This is absolutely basic. It's designed to work out those at most risk. The strangling would make you high risk.
I believe you. But I'm finding it hard to believe something as basic as DASH was ignored. If it was you must complain because that is appalling!

If anyone doubts the OP, just report. Stop the troll hunting!
OP, please just keep posting here and do your best to ignore the troll hunters Stepford Wives and Handmaids, etc.

I'm just horrified that 4% of posters think that you should stick around .

OP, I think you're doing great, each small step will get you away from him and to a better life.

Yes, @TooTrusting is right, they should have done a DASH. It's the tool that forms the basis of the risk assessment that determines how the various agencies proceed. Unless you've done millions, I can't see how anyone can remember all the questions. Imo, failure to do this is a pretty big omission. I'd be minded to complain.

Based on what you've told us on here, @Smellbellina, the events that have happened would be enough for your case to be heard at MARAC (Multi Agency Risk Assessment Conference) and, as I mentioned before, any professional involved with the family would have to at least consider if a safeguarding should be raised. (I would raise a safeguarding, because I'm a wuss and never want to be the person explaining to a serious case review why they didn't do something). And DV/DA in the presence of a child is a safeguarding issue.

I think it would be appropriate for you to seek the support of child social services. They will also be represented at MARAC and can submit cases for discussion.

I had occasion to call the police on one occasion when my ex was behaving very aggressively and threatening me verbally. Even though he left for work as soon as he heard me on the phone, they were round like a shot (3 officers, as well, my street had never seen so much excitement) and they did a DASH there and then. If I'd wanted it to go to MARAC, I could have had it submitted but they left it up to me. As I was a MARAC rep at the time, I didn't want it considered, and the DASH score was low-ish anyway.

My advice would be to contact the police via 101, and ask to speak to the police DV/DA co-ordinator for your area, explaining that you feel they should have completed a DASH but didn't.

I also wonder if there might be merit in screenshotting some of your posts on here OP? Because they're timed and dated, they might have some corroborative value.

I wish you lived in my force area (Sussex). Two former colleagues are now domestic abuse specialists with the police and the person who is the Children's Services lead at MARAC is someone I've known socially for many years. I'd be able to find out exactly what should be happening and what to do about it.

Hopefully the solicitor will be more use.

I understand the “three strikes” rule, but I think you have misinterpreted it. The first strike you count is the first time he disrespects you, undermines you, puts you down or tries to control you. By the time it’s got to a physical assault he’s gone WAY over the three strikes.
You are in danger. Please get out as soon as you can. You may not survive his next assault.

Evening, everyone. Just popping in to echo what a couple of other posters have said. Please don't troll hunt, particularly on threads like this. If you have any concerns, ever, just report them to us. Thanks.

I second all that LakieLady said.
I don't think it's that people think OP is a troll, but rather that they can't understand (or quite believe) how the police failed to do the DASH assessment, which is so basic. The police here (south Wales) took the assessment very seriously. As a tick box exercise there were quite a lot of questions.
I think victims may have a tendency to downplay what has happened to them. I remember when I was referred to MARAC I asked if it was because of his general history with other women. I was told firmly it was because of the throttling and due to my allegations alone. At the time that surprised me. But after I had educated myself and I was away from him I realised it was perfectly correct.
The whole MARAC thing was a bit of a shock. But it meant that I got more support at the time. And it was the final step that I knew would stop me from ever going back.

I didn't troll hunt

Why would I when I have been supportive .

I think victims may have a tendency to downplay what has happened to them

We're in agreement again, @TooTrusting!

I think it's because DA/DV tends to increase in severity over time. It starts off with minor-ish things and gets worse, gradually - like boiling a frog. With my ex, it started with him being critical, which gradually progressed to controlling, then really abusive, inc financial abuse.

But it was only after it was over that it dawned on me that he was emotionally and financially abusive and I dealt with this stuff pretty regularly in my job, did DASH forms and attended MARAC, ffs! I just couldn't see it for myself, it crept up on me and had become my "normal".

Even my dog sussed it before I did. When he started his aggressive, shouty ranting, she'd stand between us, barking and lunging towards him, bless her. I think she'd have bitten him if he'd actually assaulted me, bless her. She's only a little terrier, but she's got the heart of a lion.

@SunshineCake
And yet, MNHQ has deleted two of your posts, which certainly appear to be troll hunting (despite your denials) , for breaching talk rules.
Funny, that.

Sunshine, your posts didn't read supportive. They read as though 'this couldn't have happened'.

I'm glad you intended to be supportive, despite the way your posts appeared. Perhaps you were aiming for 'I don't believe it!' in a 'what were they thinking' kind of way, and it just didn't come across.

Thank you for those that have supported me, for those who think the PC’s response was questionable, it was. Like I said unfortunately I wasn’t suprised. It is being followed up, but it’s difficult to explain how/why without going into more detail about other people in my life than I want to.

I had a long talk with DC’s school today, upshot is we are not at home and won’t be going home until he leaves, which will either be voluntarily or by way of an order. (DDog is with us as couldn’t do everything and get her over to her ‘holiday home’; she is being a nightmare! But hopefully will calm down soon. Either way she stays with us)

[quote Catmaiden]@SunshineCake
And yet, MNHQ has deleted two of your posts, which certainly appear to be troll hunting (despite your denials) , for breaching talk rules.
Funny, that.[/quote]
Because if a quote

fO.

Good luck *@copperoliver
I hope you survive.

@picklemewalnuts

Sunshine, your posts didn't read supportive. They read as though 'this couldn't have happened'.

I'm glad you intended to be supportive, despite the way your posts appeared. Perhaps you were aiming for 'I don't believe it!' in a 'what were they thinking' kind of way, and it just didn't come across.

Can't help lack of comprehension

Sorry *@copperoliver. I was trying to put OP and it wouldn't let me.

@SunshineCake
Nice.
Showing your true colours.

@Lakie my dog did that. In fact he still does it if anyone is shouting or play fighting. It is so true that you only see the insidious, non-violent abuse clearly once you are out. I think also for me the non-physical stuff was so awful and so overwhelming that actually I came to think that I didn't mind the violence. I remember saying to the police that I didn't care if they didn't do him for assault and I was far keener that they properly investigate and pursue the coercive control because experiencing that day in day out had affected me far more than a few black eyes, a broken nose, whiplash from all the shoving and hair pulling and the two occasions he tried to strangle me. I felt for a long time that I could take all that, it was the EA that destroyed me. I was like a rabbit in the headlights trying to process it all. It's true extent didn't hit me for a long time. And I am an educated, strong professional woman (family law solicitor). But it still happened to me.

So back to OP. I hope these survivors' stories help you. You know that his violent tendencies are a massive red flag. But please see what else he is doing to you. The day to day EA and the grinding down of every last bit of the person you were and can be again sounds awful. You've taken a really important step in confusing in people. A competent police officer would have helped you and please pursue this.
Please don't worry about the tenancy business. He doesn't live there and doesn't spend enough time there to be deemed to be living there. It is well documented that people like him will involve their abused DP in dodgy dealings so that they have an extra hold over you. You can easily treat the small contribution he is making as child maintenance. I too was dragged into doing things I could have got into trouble for.

@Smellbellina
I'm so glad you, DC, DDog are not in the same house as him, that's great news. Have some and .
Take your pick xxx

*confiding

I think when you’re in a domestic abuse situation it escalates over time. And I’ve read on here a lot it’s like a frog in boiling water, the water heats up slowly and the frog stays put not noticing the danger it’s in.

I think that’s a very apt analogy it becomes normal and you’re not scared, you sort of shut down and don’t notice or minimise things which terrify onlookers.

Everyone on here is really scared for you OP we can see exactly where this is going.

Your normal is terrifying.

It took me many years to actually see the abuse I suffered at ex’s hands as utterly terrifying and to realise how traumatic it was for my young children who didn’t even see much of it. My eldest dc filled in the blanks for herself and it took years of counselling for my dc to get over the trauma.

I remember when I’d finally kicked ex out and started divorce proceedings and was sobbing down the phone to my best friend at gone 2am. She said darling we all knew he was abusive but it really had to be your decision to leave him.

And that’s it here as well. We a whole bunch of strangers on the internet are really terrified for you.

We can badger and nag and rail and rant at you.

But it’s your decision. I hope you decide to lie a happy and fulfilling life free of this monster.

I have to say here I am not stupid. This has been going on a long long time, I do not need Clare’s Law I know his previous because it is all against me.
I know about safeguarding, inside out it is my job now, it was my job before, it doesn’t make me immune but it does make me knowledgable.
I have been on Mumsnet a long time, I knew what I would get when I posted here. I needed it, the good, the bad and the ugly (the ugly I ignored but to everyone else, you have made an impact, I knew you would, I needed it, I knew I could count on you, thank you)
In a lot of ways it seems that a lot of work has been done to support families in this situation, and it has, but anyone who blythely says go to a refuge etc does not fully understand the true horror of what that is. Better than dead, yes, but horrific nonetheless. I am exceptionally lucky that I do not have to do that.
I am also extremely lucky to have fantastic real life support, but, the support on here is something else. Despite my ‘knowledge’ I was being reckless with my own life, my DC are more effected than I realised, I ‘knew’ the stats and the red flags, but I didn’t accept how they were applicable to me until I reached out and asked you lot.
@HillieBoliday you have persevered even when you have found me irritating, you really have helped, thank you.

@Smellbellina

Thank you for those that have supported me, for those who think the PC’s response was questionable, it was. Like I said unfortunately I wasn’t suprised. It is being followed up, but it’s difficult to explain how/why without going into more detail about other people in my life than I want to.

I had a long talk with DC’s school today, upshot is we are not at home and won’t be going home until he leaves, which will either be voluntarily or by way of an order. (DDog is with us as couldn’t do everything and get her over to her ‘holiday home’; she is being a nightmare! But hopefully will calm down soon. Either way she stays with us)

Obviously I don't know all the details (I'm not asking) but I wanted to say that's great I'm glad you're safe for now and that things are getting put in place and things are being followed up on.

Please don't feel like you can't come back to the thread when you need to. There will be people ready to lend a friendly ear.

So glad you are powering through the fear and doubts. If it were easy to leave there wouldn't be a DV issue.

KOKO