Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

883 replies

Smellbellina · 28/06/2020 22:03

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 01/07/2020 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mascotte · 01/07/2020 15:03

The police will have a protocol to refer any dv incident to SW.

Mascotte · 01/07/2020 15:03

When children are involved, I mean.

TooTrueToBeGood · 01/07/2020 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Post references deleted post Talk Guidelines.

Desmondo2016 · 01/07/2020 15:24

As a police officer I am finding your update hard to believe. I hate to say it but it just wouldn't have happened like that and if it did, you should be making a complaint against the police. You would have completed a risk assessment which with the answers you would have given (previous abuse and strangulation at the very least) this would have been graded high or at the very least medium risk and he would have been arrested. So either your version of events to us is untrue, the police were incompetent and you must make a complaint, or you played it down when you spoke to them. Which is it?

JorisBonson · 01/07/2020 15:34

@Desmondo2016

As a police officer I am finding your update hard to believe. I hate to say it but it just wouldn't have happened like that and if it did, you should be making a complaint against the police. You would have completed a risk assessment which with the answers you would have given (previous abuse and strangulation at the very least) this would have been graded high or at the very least medium risk and he would have been arrested. So either your version of events to us is untrue, the police were incompetent and you must make a complaint, or you played it down when you spoke to them. Which is it?
Took the words out of my mouth
ItsNotAGameOfSubbuteoMatthew · 01/07/2020 15:56

Unfortunately not all police officers act as those on this thread would or do. As someone who is non police but has experience with DA survivors there are some officers who don't have much hope of a conviction and down play the likelihood accordingly. It might be true but that doesn't mean survivors shouldn't be given hope regarding their situation.

Original poster
Smellbellina · 01/07/2020 16:16

The risk assessment was done in the hall as he walked out the door, he asked me the questions he could remember and I answered them truthfully.
Having worked for the same police force for 14 years, I am not suprised at all. Unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smellbellina · 01/07/2020 16:17

If you think I am lying you could check my posting history, I have had this username for years.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 01/07/2020 16:27

@Smellbellina, I'm sorry you've had to defend yourself on here. The last thing you need.

I bet you find it so frustrating, knowing what you do, but being in this situation again. Did you ever do the freedom programme?

Suewiththeredford · 01/07/2020 16:44

So he hasn’t actually done the DASH assessment then? PLEASE call them again and explain this and get someone else out.

Eveta · 01/07/2020 16:49

You don't need to defend yourself on here op. Don't waste your energy. Just concentrate on getting yourself safe.

BraveGoldie · 01/07/2020 16:50

OP, of course you are genuine and this must be so hard. The huge majority of us on this thread just desperately want you to be safe.

Please just keep coming and talking about it and reading and whenever you can take action to get yourself out and safe. That is awesome if you can stay with your parents. Pack a bag and go for it! You and your daughter deserve to be safe.

averysuitablegirl · 01/07/2020 16:56

It sounds like Smellbellina has a limited amount of emotional and physical energy and is picking her battles.

Those saying that her account can't be true... attitudes like this are why women aren't believed when they report or mention police malpractice. And why so often the victim comes under attack and has to defend herself (as per the last few posts).

Just stop it. If you don't have anything supportive to say, it might be best to keep your thoughts to yourself while this traumatised woman is trying to get herself, children and dog out of this incredibly dangerous situation.

Catmaiden · 01/07/2020 16:56

What sue said about the DASH! That's an essential, and the police officer really should have done that, to see how at risk you are!

Catmaiden · 01/07/2020 16:57

Unless, was that what he asked you, in the hall? But did he write down your answers on the form?

SunshineCake · 01/07/2020 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Post references deleted post. Talk Guidelines.

Catmaiden · 01/07/2020 17:14

Well, presumably MNHQ disagreed, as your post has been deleted.

SunshineCake · 01/07/2020 17:16

So far, and there we have a police worker saying it wouldn't , have happened like that so do you want to demand they are deleted too Hmm

Catmaiden · 01/07/2020 17:21

I'm not demanding anything. I'm simply pointing out your post was deleted by MNHQ for breaking the Talk guidelines.

SunshineCake · 01/07/2020 17:41

Yes and I have contacted them to say the have misunderstood me

*@Smellbellina. I believe you. I just don't believe the police have acted correctly.

JorisBonson · 01/07/2020 17:56

@Smellbellina. I believe you. I just don't believe the police have acted correctly.

This.

Ginkypig · 01/07/2020 18:22

@SunshineCake

So far, and there we have a police worker saying it wouldn't , have happened like that so do you want to demand they are deleted too Hmm
No police shouldn't behave like that but some do. I think police are great and deserve respect (I even have family in the police) but There have been lots of posts from people on here describing many examples of police not acting according to the guidelines set out and because of it women (and some men I assume) have gone on to be abused more. I know women the police have failed, I was a woman the police failed so it does happen, it's not supposed to but it does. I'm not saying all police or even many police and I'm not saying it's done maliciously but it does happen so remember it when you tell an abuse victim something like this As a police officer I am finding your update hard to believe. I hate to say it but it just wouldn't have happened like that and if it did, you should be making a complaint against the police. You would have completed a risk assessment which with the answers you would have given (previous abuse and strangulation at the very least) this would have been graded high or at the very least medium risk and he would have been arrested. So either your version of events to us is untrue, the police were incompetent and you must make a complaint, or you played it down when you spoke to them. Which is it?

Op I'm not saying this specifically about you.
Even if it does turn out that a poster is making up a story the advice you give should be as if it's real because you don't actually know it's not and if it is true you've just taken away the tiny bit of secret support they have managed to find.
If you think it's a troll then report or hide the thread, mnhq will deal with it. don't call them a liar and sweep away the possibility for them to feel safe to post.

Catmaiden · 01/07/2020 18:32

^^ what @Ginkypig said

OP, I hope things are ok and your H has stayed away Flowers

Hazysummers · 01/07/2020 18:42

I really think you should ring the police again and ask to see a different officer. Your husband has tried to strangle you twice. You also say the police have been involved before, they will head record surely. This man is dangerous and you are in immediate danger around him, something needs to be done and I think you just had a really shit police officer.

Either way, violence and police aside, you need to divorce this man and you absolutely need to get out of there and start living a life independent of him.