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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

883 replies

Smellbellina · 28/06/2020 22:03

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

OP posts:
pallisers · 30/06/2020 21:27

well done OP and best of luck to you.

grey12 · 30/06/2020 21:47

OP, what if it had been a work colleague? Would you wait or would you go to the police?

I know you must feel "comfortable" in this relationship to end it, but other posters are right, you need to leave Sad you have the love and support of your family!

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 30/06/2020 21:57

Well done x

Lennie16 · 30/06/2020 22:14

You need to gather your passport, credit cards, money and important paperwork, take phone, turn off location finder and take a bag, slip away to somewhere safe. Google women’s aid, if you have any children ensure you - pack a bag of essential items for them. You know you need to end this relationship but you are scared, be brave and do it. One day at a time is the motto- you can do it. Women’s aid will support you in finding somewhere safe. When you feel able, tell the police.
Best wishes - if you stay -things will escalate and you will be threatened and hurt again. Make your plan tonight and be brave

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 30/06/2020 22:45

No, once might have been a terrible lapse in judgement. Twice is unforgivable. Please get out as soon as you can.

TooTrusting · 30/06/2020 23:06

OP my abusive ex did this to me.
I know understand much more about DV having gone through the police process and also having spoken to a psychiatrist friend.
The latter advised me the throttling was a massive red flag and, as PO have said, it makes it statistically much more likely he could kill or seriously harm you. How she explained it was that things like shoving and hitting are deemed to be "normal" instinctive human reactions, whereas throttling is not. It indicates a propensity for abnormal reactions/behaviour. A HUGE red flag for professionals based on proper m, accepted research and statistics. If you told DV officers about this they'd be all over it.
This is huge. Please do not wait for a 3rd time.

TooTrusting · 30/06/2020 23:23

Sorry I had not RTFT.
If you report to the police they can go to the magistrates and get a DV Order which forces him out for 28 days.
Will they do this?
That then gives you time to get an Occupation Order and non- mol.
As you are back living with him asking for Clare's Law might also be useful (the police will tell your if he has a DV history with previous partners).
To stop keeping it secret and to tell people is the first step in you seeking help and wanting out. For me that point was like I knew once I told people there'd be no turning back and I'd have no choice but to leave and it would give me the final push I needed.

MamaFirst · 30/06/2020 23:25

Flabbergasted police will just let abusive partners return to the family home where children are still present. Wtaf?

HillieBoliday · 30/06/2020 23:33

Believe it or not I have always tried to do what I thought was best for the DC, that is why I left so many years ago (when I did love him) and came back years later when I didn’t love him but thought I could do enough to cover up where he lacked and for the DC to feel they had the same sort of family/dad as friends and cousins

Smellbellina no one thinks for one minute that you don’t love your kids 100% and want the very best for them. We can see that you’re paralysed, beaten down.
But it is so heartening to read that you’ve taken steps. You can make a lovely life for your kids.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to; for your sake and children’s.
But you know it can’t go on.
Just keep making one small step per day.

Motoko · 01/07/2020 10:18

What did the police officer and solicitor say? Is anything happening, like a non molestation order, or arrest?

Original poster
Smellbellina · 01/07/2020 11:46

The officer agreed it would be my word against his, i don’t have any visible injuries. I signed something to say I wasn’t making a complaint at this time. Agreed I would call 999 if anything else happens.

OP posts:
BeardieWeirdie · 01/07/2020 12:01

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GimmeAy · 01/07/2020 12:11

@BeardieWeirdie That's a fucking unreasonable rant at a vulnerable woman. Save your ire for a punch bag.

Suewiththeredford · 01/07/2020 12:12

Did you actually call the police? Because that’s a strange response to say the least.

Suewiththeredford · 01/07/2020 12:12

And signed what?

GimmeAy · 01/07/2020 12:18

Suewiththeredford

She probably made a statement but then when told that there's no longer any physical evidence and that it would be her word against the cunts, she had to sign the end of the statement to say that she does not wish to make a complaint at this time. I've done it plenty of times over the years.

GimmeAy · 01/07/2020 12:21

BTW She wouldn't have HAD to sign that she didn't wish to proceed with a complaint at this time, but in waying up the shit hitting the fan, she probably decided against it. I don't know - I'm presuming.

Ginkypig · 01/07/2020 12:50

Well yes it was a choice technically but it's a choice based on the pc not taking charge of the situation and telling her clearly they will support her to take this forward.

If you are told (by the people who have the expertise and power to help) there is no evidence and it will be your word against his when you are so downtrodden and can't see clearly on your own then obviously the most likely conclusion is to sign that you won't make a complaint because what's the point, they are basically telling you nothing will happen. (Not true)

I'm really sorry smell, the truth is that police can help you and while without clear injuries it may be a different case than if there was that absolutely doesn't mean there is no case to answer!
I would still go to them if you feel able or sister and bil and ask them to help you to take the next steps. You are past the point of hints now it's time to ask for help.

Hazysummers · 01/07/2020 13:06

So are you still proceeding with the solicitor/ divorce & rental property? I bloody hope so, you can’t go on like this, he’ll likely kill you next time, which will probably be in the next few days, especially if he gets wind of all this. I still can’t get over the fact you and your parents think COVID 19 is a bigger risk to you all than he is and therefore not just staying at theirs until you get some hunk permanent sorted.

For your families sake, you must continue with action on this and get yourself out of that house. It can be sold at a later date in the divorce but bricks and mortar shouldn’t be your priority right now, getting the hell out of there alive should be.

Original poster
Smellbellina · 01/07/2020 13:27

We aren’t married, I have spoken to a solicitor, it is not as simple as that.
My parents can’t help me if they’re hospitalised/dead anymore than if I am.

OP posts:
HillieBoliday · 01/07/2020 13:35

The reason people are being so persistent Smellbellina is because we can see the situation objectively whereas you are unable to do that.

And we seriously, honestly believe that you and your family are in more danger than you are prepared to admit.

You seem to be frozen. All we can do is hope & pray that you find the strength to get out.
What happened to the rentals & Air B&B that you were looking into?

Your latest post implies he has threatened your parents.

Original poster
Smellbellina · 01/07/2020 14:16

Your latest post implies he has threatened your parents.

Sorry no that’s not what I meant, i meant C19/shielding etc.

On the plus side, I have managed to find somewhere for DDog!

OP posts:
Original poster
Smellbellina · 01/07/2020 14:16

With DDog sorted we could shield with my parents at least over the summer hols.

OP posts:
averysuitablegirl · 01/07/2020 14:21

That sounds a great plan Smellbellina.

When do you think you'll be able to actually get you, your children and dog out of the house?

Hopefully very soon. You know as well as anyone else on here that the most dangerous time is when the abuser knows that you're serious about leaving.

Take care and stay focused. You're doing fantastically well.

picklemewalnuts · 01/07/2020 14:36

That's great smellbelina! Ddog sorted and you going to parents buys you some time to get properly sorted.