Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

[Smellbellina]

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

Rented accommodation may well suck quite a bit for you and your DD. You may not be able to take the dog and would have to take it in your initial escape and then give it up for rehoming.

HOWEVER. If he kills you, there is a very high risk that depending exactly what happens in the heat of the moment (if your DD walks in just as you die etc) he might also kill your DD at the same time. Even if he doesn't touch her, she will be removed and put into foster care as soon as your death is discovered - won't that be far worse for her than a rental with her loving Mum?

You have a history of his abuse. The police will listen.

You are failing to protect your DC from DV, and SS could take them into emergency care if you are not seen to be doing enough.

Please take steps. You do not want your DC to see you throttled, murdered.

Good morning OP, sending you strength, determination and hope for the future. You ,your daughter and dog deserve to be happy. Leave as he will kill all 3 of you.

Just remember how strong you were to take those first steps yesterday. Can you sort out accommodation, staying with DS & BIL from tonight so that you can get out today and not return? When is the solicitor appointment? Will you have to go to your parents' house to make that call so that he doesn't hear? Please tell them everything. You might even get to keep your own home if you get the Orders sorted that people have mentioned above. I'm really hoping that all the posts on here are giving you the strength to help you through this. You've done it once before (you said you left for 5 years then came back), you can do it again

He will probably say he feels suicidal etc

So what?

OP. Please.

Today. Talk to your GP.About all of it. Let people in to help you.

How do you think your little girl feels? She lives in fear.

You can sort this out. Much much more easily than you think. Please call your GP today.

I'm sorry as I hadn't read about what you're already doing.

👍 Great.

Ok now get a rental sorted.

Morning Smellbellina good to hear from you.

I'm not going to tell you anything that you don't know from past experience but...

Please don't kid yourself that you know how the next day or so will play out with him. Did you see his strangulation of you coming before the tension started to build?

You're absolutely right that he doesn't know what he's capable of and that he will have justified his violent actions as 'your fault'.

That's why it's so dangerous for you to be there.

You know that your intention of 'never talking to him again' isn't viable while you're the the same house. It's also beyond imaginable what effect this is having on your children.

You said less than 24 hours ago that you were going to go to your mum's - what's changed? I know you said about your dog and that they are shielding, but what about your sister?

Please message everyone that you can trust and tell them what's going on, that you and your children need somewhere safe to stay and someone to look after your dog.

If you are worried about your dog, this may help - and wishing you all the best - www.dogstrust.org.uk/help-advice/hope-project-freedom-project/freedom-project

Get out now. The third strike could kill you. I was with someone like this and it never got better. I'm glad I got out when I did because I really think I could've ended up dead one day. They never change and do you really want to be constantly living in fear of the 'third strike'? It can't be making you happy. I know leaving sounds like an ordeal but it will have to be done at some point, so the earlier you get on with it, the earlier you can start living your life free from fear.

I have had a call from a PC due to a third party report, seeing him later before I speak with solicitor.
I’ve also enquired about a rental just to cover all bases, waiting to hear back if they accept dogs.

@Twillow. Yes am I. Op is undoubtedly the victim but she does have a choice, her kids don't and neither does the dog. She seems utterly non plussed about the impact this could be having on them. If her daughter mentions this she could lose custody of her children. Why isn't this more important than living in rented accommodation?

I'm sorry but mollycoddling the op in this situation isn't doing her any favours.

A call from a PC
That sounds good, official support from the police is very validating, good luck with that meeting Smellbellina I hope it goes well
Reach out and take the help that's available to you, you deserve help and support.

You WILL get your dog back OP. I know you’re probably thinking about your poor kids losing their dog on top of everything else, but they WILL give you your dog back.
Please get out. You have 24 hours, you say, before he reverts to the waste of time communicating.
No matter which way you play it, it will the wrong way. There isn’t a right way.

Please don’t let your kids see another row.
One that will in all likelihood escalate.
It is so terrifying for children to witness.

Morning Smellbellina. So much of what you say resonates with me - his depression, the fear of his suicide constantly hovering over your life.

I was in a relationship for ten years with a man who had been badly abused & damaged as a child. I knew he had anger management issues but I trusted that he could never be violent towards me. He needed me, I understood him.

But he did become violent towards me. He didn't mean to, it came from nowhere & was caused by his irrational fears, but it escalated over the last couple of years and I knew that eventually he would kill me. Even then, I found it very, very difficult to leave him. I was afraid what it would do to him. I knew it would break him, I knew he would attempt suicide because he needed me. Needless to say, I had mental health issues myself and could not see that his choices were not my responsibility and I was entitled to put my safety above his.

I had huge support from MN, which made me realise just how much danger I was in and gave me the courage to leave. I also realised that my children (from my previous marriage, & grown up) needed me too, and that I had to put their needs ahead of his. I had choices, but he had choices too and his choices were not my responsibility.

I left him, and he attempted suicide four times in the following months. I felt hugely responsible but I didn't go back. In fact, I moved to another country where I knew he wouldn't follow me because I was so afraid of being drawn back in. I still love him now but I know I can't help him.

I don't know if any of this applies to you or if I'm just projecting. I'm sorry if I've misunderstood but I just wanted to say that you are allowed to leave. You can't help him by staying. Sadly, it's not enough that you understand him & why he does these things, you can't repair his damage. You must put yourself first because you must put your Dd first. She is being damaged by your relationship. It is her normal and she is in danger of repeating it. Please leave now, and stay away, and teach her that this is not how a woman should be treated by a man.

You've made that first step, please keep going. Tell as many people as you can that you are going, and ask their help. Sending strength and

Glad you are seeing the PC.

Suicide threats are part of the script and pure emotional blackmail. Just ring the police and let them know he is saying he's claiming to commit suicide could they do a welfare check.

Cross posted with your last message. So glad to hear someone else has called the police for you. You're building your support team around you now. Well done, please stick with it

I’ve also enquired about a rental just to cover all bases, waiting to hear back if they accept dogs

Progress but keep it up please!!

Tess💐

Thank you @TessoftheDobermans I understand completely what you are saying, I have watched my sil go through a very similar experience, I know how hard it is, well done for getting free
Years ago I loved him, i don’t know how I feel about him now, I think I feel sad that he has let himself becomes this and that he won’t change, and a sort of acceptance that he is the children’s father so we are forever connected.
Believe it or not I have always tried to do what I thought was best for the DC, that is why I left so many years ago (when I did love him) and came back years later when I didn’t love him but thought I could do enough to cover up where he lacked and for the DC to feel they had the same sort of family/dad as friends and cousins, I’ve always wanted to try and support him to be the best he could be for them.
It. Does. Not. Fucking. Work! I have ended up laying the bar so low that the one thing he needed to not do was to not be a potential threat to my life. And he couldn’t even manage that!

I think I have a double negative 🤦‍♀️

Well done. You’re doing really well. I’d have a look at the Dogs Trust re domestic violence fostering as a back up plan in case you can’t take the dog where you end up going. I’m so glad you’re looking out for her too.

I think cinnamon Trust is another option for help with DDog

Please watch the C4 documentary on the Rachel Hemming murder. It's on more 4 Now. Her brother said the only good to come out of her death is if other women leave abusive relationships. I

Great update Smellbellina.

Tell the PC and solicitor as much as you can.

Yes, you've compromised your values to the nth degree to do what you felt was right for your children, and him to some degree.

You're right - it doesn't work.

But you standing by your values of what you and your children are worth is working. It really is.