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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

883 replies

Smellbellina · 28/06/2020 22:03

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

OP posts:
MsJinks · 29/06/2020 19:34

I feel you’re so drained, exhausted and shut down that each possible little step must feel like a mountain. Don’t give up - please just find the energy to call for support. A solicitor may help but you could do with one who has experience in these matters and that’s difficult to assess before meeting. One solicitor I had was fine - at what he did - one was amazing and literally got me out of the house - he took charge basically, but I dropped lucky getting him as I had just booked with a firm and happened to get the guy who did pro bono for women’s aid by pure luck. You could do with speaking to a dedicated helpline. All this info on here is great but probably too much to take in, or work out - and I’m doing it as well I know. But please find someone to talk to and save this thread for re-reading when you need to and when you can absorb it. Be kind to yourself.

LittleCabbage · 29/06/2020 19:34

Hey Smellbellina, I have no advice that others haven't posted already, but I just wanted to say that I am so pleased you are taking steps to leave this awful, dangerous relationship, and I will be here rooting for you. With the support of everyone here, you will have the strength to see this through.

This time next year, your life will be peaceful and joyful, and you will have control over your own life.

Enchantmentz · 29/06/2020 19:35

I realise the thread has well developed but I will still chime in that 1 strike and get out. Many moons ago I was in a long term emotionally and financially abusive relationship, I started to distance myself and basically try have a bit independence which resulted with his hand round my neck. No marks or even much of a grip but that was the final nail in the coffin. Despite being a shell of a person by that point I stuck with the split and endured a few months of hassle from him.

It is by no means easy but stick with it in whichever way you can.

MsJinks · 29/06/2020 19:36

And hats off to those who talk about this rubbish publicly - I do now too but I’m told it makes folk ‘judge’ and I know it makes them uncomfortable- I’m just many years on and want to just talk about it - where relevant - so folk know it happens and it’s ok to have been through it - not the victim’s shame at all.

Hazysummers · 29/06/2020 19:39

Oh for goodness sake OP. So he’s out, does that meant you’re going to DO something whilst he’s out? Because you should be using this opportunity to call the police! I don’t understand why you won’t call the police, get him arrested, a non mol order and then start proceedings re the house. It IS going to have to happen in that order.

Or get out of there, drop the dog off at your local dogs trust/ rehoming centre, book yourself and DC into a travel lodge for a few days and go from there. In fact you could probably get a dog friendly Air bnb by tomorrow and just stay with your mum tonight. There is SO much you can do and you just don’t seem to be doing any of it and have now gone back and put yourself in danger.

Can BIL stay with you tonight at the house?

Mangofandangoo · 29/06/2020 19:41

Op this is assault and the sooner you accept it the better

Mangofandangoo · 29/06/2020 19:44

When I was at secondary school (years ago) a girl In my years mum was killed in her sleep by being strangled by her partner, he too had done this to her before while she was awake. I didn't mean to scare you but this is something you should be taking very seriously because the next time you might not see it coming.

BilboBercow · 29/06/2020 19:54

To be quite honest op I'm surprised you haven't already had your kids removed from your care. What they've already seen in your home will stay with them forever.

Seabreeze18 · 29/06/2020 20:08

I’m shocked you have gone back to the house and don’t really understand why? Unless you are going to call the police? Or change locks etc? Could your dd stay with a friend at least? Hope u are ok? Xx

5lilducks · 29/06/2020 20:14

I echo what pp's are saying. Call the police and explain. What if he is waiting until later at night to strangle you next, making it more difficult for you to do anything about it given the time.

needsahouseboy · 29/06/2020 20:31

Why haven’t you contacted the police?

Snarkastic · 29/06/2020 20:56

Smellbellina I recognised your username, you have been on here for years, you must have seen hundreds of threads like this and known exactly how this thread was going to play out - hope you get the strength you need to get you and your DD out safely.

SunshineCake · 29/06/2020 22:01

Please post tomorrow so we know he hasn't killed you for the temerity of trying to leave him.

Twillow · 29/06/2020 22:41

@BilboBercow You are angry at the victim? Nice.

nettytree · 29/06/2020 23:10

Leave now. He will be back and he will do it again.

Canyousewcushions · 29/06/2020 23:17

You are doing great- well done for taking those first steps. You are far stronger and far braver than you think you are. Good luck with the solicitor, we'll be willing you on!

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 30/06/2020 00:11

Third time could be the one time it actually kills you! why risk it?

Once could be argued as a one off never to be repeated but twice...!

snowqu33n · 30/06/2020 01:03

OP you do NOT know what he will do. I bet you didn’t believe he would start strangling you... until he did.

ONLY HE knows what he might do.

Or, he may make a mistake and kill you unintentionally or give you brain damage. After all, from his perspective, he has left you with red marks on your neck but you weren’t badly hurt and he will be completely minimizing it in his own mind.

You still aren’t completely under his control and you are telling others what is going on.

Nor have you left him, so why shouldn’t he carry on terrorizing you that way?

They always go further the next time.

There is always a next time.

Yeahnahmum · 30/06/2020 06:37

Strangle me once =Fine, Shock
Strangle me twice = 1 more chanceHmm
Strangle me 3times= that's it. Confused

Uhm....
No! This is a '1 strike kinda situation'

mellowww · 30/06/2020 08:03

ONLY HE knows what he might do.

Even he might not know or trust himself.

OP it's time to take action.

Original poster
Smellbellina · 30/06/2020 08:54

I don’t think he knows what he’s capable off and I’m pretty sure he will have told himself what he did was reasonable and it’s my fault.
He came home and stomped into his study and I went to bed. He will ignore me for another 24 hours and then he might start trying to tell me what I need to apologise for.
I have no intention of talking to him ever again but it’s when he starts trying to talk to me I will be a bit more worried.
He will probably say he feels suicidal etc.

OP posts:
Itoo · 30/06/2020 09:11

Would you be able to stay at your sister and bils house? It's incredibly unsafe to stay.

Quartz2208 · 30/06/2020 09:19

Go to a solicitors and get a non mol and occupation order

IFeelTheNeedTheNeedForSleep · 30/06/2020 09:20

And what if you wait for the third strike and he goes too far and you no longer have the option of leaving? He's dangerous, leave now!

SerenityNowwwww · 30/06/2020 09:23

I wonder why theee?

Once - huge red flag. Possibly give benefit of the doubt / show how completely wrong this is and how devastated you are.

Twice - no question. Out the door.

Third time - you could be dead.

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