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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

883 replies

Smellbellina · 28/06/2020 22:03

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 29/06/2020 16:19

Mascotte's right, @Smellbellina, trauma IS exhausting. You need to rest your mind AND your body, so let your mum do what mums do best and look after you.

You don't need to talk to him, and there is nothing that you have to tell him. Let police and solicitors handle everything from here on. It's probably best that you don't listen to him either, so you don't hear his pleas for you to go back, or fake promises that it will never happen again, or how much he loves you and misses you.

He may well love you, but he loves controlling and abusing you more. He is incapable of loving you in any way that doesn't end with you getting hurt.

When you feel less shattered, you can start work on hardening your heart and feeling angry instead of broken and hurt. The anger will make you strong and determined and able to deal with the next steps more easily. The power of recuperative rage is much underrated imo!

You've taken the biggest step now, every step after this will be a bit easier. That's awesome, and I'm really pleased, and relieved, that you've done it.

angrybirdz · 29/06/2020 16:26

@Smellbellina

We went into rented accommodation before, it was awful. I am lucky not to have to rely on emergency housing, it’s the pits. I’d rather stay here than do that.
Emergency accommodation can be moved out of, a coffin can't.
Vodkacranberryplease · 29/06/2020 16:43

Well done for getting out, it's so hard. You will be all over the place for a while but that's natural - don't be hard on yourself.

And please tell me you took the dog. It won't survive him. He will kill it.

Junenamechange · 29/06/2020 16:50

Well done on your first step, OP. We are all rooting for you and your DD and your DDog.

Original poster
Smellbellina · 29/06/2020 16:53

I can’t stay in the house as he won’t leave, and I can’t stay at my parents because a) dog (obviously I can’t leave her here) and b) they are shielding and I am still working and DD is in school.
I really don’t know what to do, should I try to move to rented and then let the solicitor deal with getting the house sold? I can’t think of any other option.

OP posts:
GrannyBags · 29/06/2020 16:59

Nope. 1 strike and you are out. Unforgivable in my opinion.

Mascotte · 29/06/2020 17:02

Speak to the solicitor about the house and leaving.

Quartz2208 · 29/06/2020 17:03

You should be able to get an occupation and non molestation order to get him out of the house - get a solicitor and it could be done fairly quickly

StealthMama · 29/06/2020 17:03

Honestly I think the risk of corona to you and your family is significantly lower than the risk to your life by not leaving. Are your parents willing to have you all? If so, GO. Can you discuss it with them?

Bluebellbike · 29/06/2020 17:06

The first time was the last for me. I was out and never looked back.

SunshineCake · 29/06/2020 17:10

Do you have to talk to him ?

That is madness. Call a solicitor, call the police, have them do it all. Unless your parents live in one room you can safely stay there and self isolate. I'd be taking my chances with covid tbh over going back to this wannabe murderer.

frazzledasarock · 29/06/2020 17:13

Police report to the police. It will get him out of the house.

Speak to your solicitor about a non molestation and occupation order.

I got mine in 48 hours and ex didn’t step foot in the house again.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/06/2020 17:15

OP, this is one of the biggest danger signals there is. Please, please Google this and confirm to your own satisfaction that this a known precursor toward going on to kill a partner.

You must, must leave this man. It's for your own safety, and could possibly save your life.

No one should have to go through this. I'm sorry. Flowers

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/06/2020 17:16

Apologies, hadn't RTFT (it's long). Sending all positivity your way xxxx

Vodkacranberryplease · 29/06/2020 17:24

Yes that's it OP go rented. I did air bnb when I bought a flat, gave notice then it was delayed by 6 weeks. It wasn't much more than renting and there was everything there I needed. I had a dog and messaged a few people explaining and they were fine.
But it might take a little while to sort the house and they might all be full/not in your area so otherwise renting plus talk to council. You need to be safe. He is dangerous.
The sooner you can get to the police the better imho.
Stamping on your plants. Ffs. It would be almost funny if he wasn't so incredibly dangerous. Please be ultra careful.

CorianderLord · 29/06/2020 17:24

And what if during the third strike you end up dead?

RinderTinderNotRinderGrinder · 29/06/2020 17:25

@Smellbellina you are doing ridiculously well! I leave the thread for a few hours and you made it to your mum’s. That is not being frozen, that is action. You may feel stuck, but you’re doing incredibly.

Go into rented until the house is sold, then you can look to a proper future. For now safety needs to come first. It’s great that dd didn’t see the worst of the abuse, but she saw enough, and you don’t want her to ever have to see it again.

Find somewhere ASAP. Don’t go back. Shelter should have some advice too. You need support. Don’t forget the option of ddog going to someone temporarily too.

Keep going! This is the tough bit. Your whole life is ahead of you Flowers

Vodkacranberryplease · 29/06/2020 17:25

Also dogs trust do temp rehoming for DV victims

crosseyedMary · 29/06/2020 17:25

he went to stomp on the plants I had recently planted
look at the symbolism here, you try to grow and nurture something, he stamps it out:(
it shall not be allowed to flourish it must be destroyed

StripeyDeckchair · 29/06/2020 17:27

Fuck it, no!
That's assult
He could kill you if he misjudged

One strike
You're on your bike

He needs to go

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/06/2020 17:28

Could I just add, brava to this:

I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

That was fantastic to read. I now talk, openly, about being gang raped, and I do it on Twitter under my real alias. That only took nigh-on 30 years and an 18-month bout of trauma therapy. Our silence is what these evil abusers depend upon. I won't keep their secret and I'm very happy you won't. Why should we protect them?

It never fails to boil my blood at how much suffering and abuse women endure at men's hands. Strength and solidarity. And stay safe.

OddBoots · 29/06/2020 17:34

Now this is when MN really comes into its own, there are so many voices of experience and wisdom here.

I hope you can quickly get yourself and your child away from this dangerous man.

FedUpOfChangingName · 29/06/2020 17:36

3rd time could be the time he kills you

Catmaiden · 29/06/2020 17:39

Brava! For the action you have taken to get yourself and your DD to safety
Flowers

ItsNotAGameOfSubbuteoMatthew · 29/06/2020 17:42

Once you get a good solicitor you can get the house sold and buy or rent a decent place so you don't need to worry about accommodation in the long run.