Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

[Smellbellina]

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

When I reported my ex for DV the first thing the police asked was if he'd ever put his hands around my neck. It's a huge red flag.

Obviously any violence is a red flag but the policeman (surprisingly the police WOMEN were very unsympathetic but the man was amazing) said that someone who does this to you is much more likely to kill you.

You need to get out OP.

OP you are doing do well. Take a breath. You have disclosed to several family members and a colleague. That's an amazing achievement. I am certain your school has a domestic violence policy for employees which states how they will support you. If you can talk to someone there, they will be additional workplace support for you too. Paid time off, reasonable adjustments with workload and access to counseling in time.

You are not to blame for any of this, you are not weak and have nothing to be embarrassed about. He is the problem not you. Huge numbers of women have suffered domestic abuse, you won't be judged by the majority of people (a few twats maybe). Not keeping his abuse of you secret is your power and will catalyse it's end.
The next days and weeks will be harrowing and challenging but your new safe and happy future depends upon getting through to the other side.

So proud of you.

You probably had more energy when you were younger bell.
Please, honestly, it’s really concerning that your daughter witnessed it last night.

Police advise get out immediately if your male partner puts his hands round your neck. This is because it is a risk indicator for murder. Not domestic violence, your murder. Putting his hands around your neck is different than any other kind of violence towards you and it is imperative you leave now

I haven't rtft, sorry, but had to post to say please get away ASAP, massive red flag for serious injury or worse. 💐

What if the 3rd strike kills you? I would say that any repeat after you have said no = straight out of the door.

OP, I'm sure I'm not the only one, but I remember the posts in which someone mentions violence in a relationship, & says they aren't leaving for X reason. And I lose track of them all. I'm sure some of them change name, or just stop using the site. But I wonder how many of the usernames we've seen on here, have ended up on the news, or Jean Hatchet's list.

Please stay strong. This man does not love you. Love is not perfect, but love is kind, supportive. It is not expressed by threatening someone's life because of whatever today's crappy reason is to get upset. You're worth more.

I'd just like to add, I know it's terribly hard to leave so no judgement, it's a horrible situation. But you can come through it.

I think it shows you have faith in human nature that someone can change, not that you're weak or stupid for staying. You have hope and that's something he doesn't have. You know you must leave, unfortunately you have to give up on hope for him. You are a nice person and see the good in people, but take this chance to have hope for yourself and your life-I'm afraid it's too late for him but not for you. Take control and don't look back, you can do this

Smellbellina what you just said, your last post, I understand completely.

The quietness even after an attack. When he would ignore me. And I would ignore him. I remember that well. The frozen feeling, that too. I understand it completely.

Some people on here have been needlessly mean but I want to tell you that posting here you have already taken a step. You have let your parents know and now your mentor. You have done this so whilst you feel frozen. You have done something and this is great.

Now keep going.

Go stay with your mum, get a non molestation order and make sure he can't get to you.

Go home change the locks.

I understand the fear of rented, I could go to my mum's. But not a refuge, I have ocd so emergency accommodation would have broken me, I have a fear of contamination
( which since leaving has got better and better and better, so my level of ocd was linked to the trauma I was suffering, though still have it.)

The abuse and trauma are impacting you but you have done something so do the next step of go to your mums

Then contact the police and have him removed from the property, if you get a non molestation order then have your home address as the one he can't attend. Then move back in and change the locks, pack up his stiff and give it all to his families.

It seems like a lot of steps but this you can do now without seeing a solicitor, you can do step one of go to your mums and ask her to ring the police. Step two will be the police and let them do the order for you.

I didn't do an order and wish I did as he subjected me to 18 months of abuse that was in some ways worse than when I was living with him.

Goodluck op and I'm proud of you, you have done something so far, talking to family, posting here, contacting your mentor.

You have actually made the steps and you can continue to take take steps. You can absolutely do this. Keep on going op. Koko keep on keeping on.

You’ve made a step telling someone at work and your mum is ready to help. You’re going to get through this. Just grab the kids and the dog plus a handful of clothes. Nothing else matters.

You've got this OP 💪🏼 you're so much stronger than you realise by even taking the step to talk about this.

No looking back now. Please just keep yourself, your children and your dog safe. They are all relying on you to do this for all of you ❤️

To all who just want to vent here, how appalled and shocked they are, seriously fuck off.

It's not helpful to someone in this situation. Its just another way of kicking someone when they are down and a few posters on here, should seriously be ashamed of themselves. They don't give a shit or they wouldn't have said what they said.

That attitude actually leads to further inaction on the part of the survivor. Because they feel judged, misunderstood and become even more frozen.

They are survivors not victims because they have already survived so much that unless you have been through it, you just don't understand.

The op has started to take steps and by posting I believe she will leave. Posting on mumsnet is what led me to leave.

But to those who think tough love is good then fuck off. The posters sharing their experiences especially on childhood experiences with dv helped me to leave. It helped me to put myself in my daughters shoes. But telling me I was a bad mother, just like the op, fuck off with your judgement. What the helll do you know? Unless you have been in a similar situation then you do not know.

You should not be coming on a thread like this to pile shame on. The op will already feel ashamed as her partner has taught her to carry his shame. The shame is not hers, it is his and yours. You adding your judgement is just shit behaviour. Then people wonder why women don't leave? Why they don't talk about it?

So to all those shit people on this thread, I hope you read this and in future learn to leave your judgement, faux shock and shock and horror aside when posting or don't post at all.

It is not tough love, it is not constructive, it is just cruel and mean.

Tell the op to leave so life will be better for her and her family, so that she can get rid of these feeling and never feel so frozen again.

Give her practical suggestions like many have done and time to think. So many people jumped on in the first half hour of the thread but what they hell did they expect the op to do in half an hour? She could barely even finish reading the replies in that time. Yet alone process.

You people should be the ones to be ashamed of themselves. Op you have done nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Hi there, OP,

We're so sorry to hear about this and we hope you're ok. We can see you've had lots of really good advice from other posters and we're pleased to hear you're going to your mum's now and getting help.

We just thought in case it was of use we'd send a link to our domestic violence web guide as there are lots of really helpful contacts on there, too.

Stay safe and please do keep posting and come back and let us know that you're ok.

You are doing brilliantly. Every new post on this thread I can see that you are getting closer, your mind is very slowly becoming little tiny bits clearer.
I think going to your mums (take your dd and the dog if you can) is a great idea. Could you get in touch with your sister and bil to pick you up so you can take dog and dd? Are you able to safely gather some paperwork you might need?
It will give you the space to feel safe and let yourself take some of the next steps.
tell the people who need to know or you decide you want to tell (family, work etc)
Call the police
Get in touch with DV support organisations.

I know there has been a lot of strong and probably hurtful comments on here but it's because people are so shocked by what they are reading.
You are in it so to survive your brain has minimised everything but people on this thread are having the reaction you would have if you were reading about someone else.

My last post wasn't meant to be hurtful I just thought you needed to clearly know the danger of tightrope you were walking with the 3 strike rule you put in place.

I know this thread is hard for you but stick in if you can there are lots of extraordinary people here willing to hold your hand and support you as best we can through the next bit.

OP..
You know what you need to do. It must be a horrible life for you . If you've told your family and his family and the schools etc . What are they doing about it ? Have the spoke to him . Told you to leave him etc.

If it was me and I found out my brother was doing that to his girlfriend , I would go nuts with him .

Just something for you to understand about him: it's not depression making him angry and violent; it's his anger and violence - and he cannot control either of those issues. That is what makes him dangerous.

You are doing brilliantly

Well said flirtygirl. I Reported the poster who "jokingly" threatened the OP with further violence.

From what I remember of the top of my head strangling is a better indication to eventual killing than any other form of violence (a.i not more lethal as a tactic but a bigger sign the guy will go nuts).

As a general rule I don't even really believe in leaving your partner because he hit you, but: get out. Now. And VERY carefully.

Victims surviving strangulation frequently suffer lifelong physical and psychological trauma and are 7.5 times more likely to be a victim of domestic homicide at the hands of the same strangler.

www.kevinmd.com/blog/2019/12/10-things-you-need-to-know-about-strangulation-and-domestic-violence.html

Apologies Op l see my post has been removed, I was so shocked and appalled at what he had done to you and in front of your daughter l am so sorry if l came across badly, it was not what l meant.
I sincerely hope you manage to leave safely and wish you all the luck

I'm one who understands your experience. I'm also one who is keen on analogy:- Just suppose instead of the neck, it was smacking your head with a hammer?

Some bruising on the scalp is the result. But it could have smashed your skull. It could have brain injured you. It could have killed you.

He tries exactly the same thing with the hammer, a second time. Again, the damage isn't permanently life changing, or fatal. You are lucky . He is lucky not to be on the run for murder.

For everyone's sake, he and his hammer can't be anywhere near you ever again.

Hope that helps.
All very best wishes, my sister.

Smellbelina, we all want you to escape to a better life, we all want to help you

When someone puts his hands around your throat he is deliberately putting himself in a position where one slight lapse in his self control will result in your death
he is doing this in situation where he knows he's angry and his ability to control his anger is hanging by a thread
Putting his hands around your throat like this is a bit like dangling you over a cliff, he is daring himself to kill you and each time he does it he gets closer to the final tiny loss of control that will result in your death
He has you completely under his control a hairs breadth away from death and he is enjoying that sense of power and control.

@Smellbellina

I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking. I have a nagging feeling (I don’t want to listen to) that I’m wrong.

That will be your common sense talking