Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

[Smellbellina]

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

For now it doesn't matter that you're not married. Finances will come later. It's gone way beyond worrying about things like that now.

Please do go to your mum's. Take the dog with you.

Small steps. Just transporting yourself to your mum's is a step. Even if you can't be bothered to take anything with you. You could get your brother in law to go back and get stuff later.

Oh and I’m also a freezer. I don’t fight, I don’t run, I just freeze until it’s over.

I feel so disgusted with myself after that I didn’t do more (or do anything) but it’s just ingrained.

It is NOT YOUR FAULT sorry for shouting.

None of it is your fault. The going back, nothing.

No one will think your an idiot.
They will think your brave and strong for getting away

Definitely go to your mum's. Tell her how difficult you are finding this - she will understand - and let her support you. This is the hardest bit, and you're doing brilliantly, just keep going

Well done OP.
You are doing amazingly. If you can find the strength call the police and report him, speak to womens aid and also inform your doctors. The more places you can get this documented the better.
You don't owe him 3 chances, everything he has done he has chosen to do irrespective of your feelings and wellbeing, you get to choose your behaviour now. Life can be so much better than this for you and your child.
As I'm sure has been pointed out strangulation is one of the highest risk factors in domestic violence, don't underestimate the risk this man poses to you.
Good luck.

The patterns we have that make us do things that might be self-sabotaging take so much unravelling.

Whatever your motives were for going back are not your fault.

You did well to get out and to stay away for five years. You can do it again.

You can change your daughter's life by getting out. She will respect you for it, even if she can't see it now.

You've already accepted it will happen again, why are you waiting? You might not survive strike 3 especially if he knows it's his last!

I just freeze until it's over
So do most people, it's a natural instinct, the fear and the adrenaline switches off your rational thought and the more primitive parts of your brain make a calculation that this person is too strong for you to fight off and the best option is to freeze or 'play dead'
It would take intensive training to overcome this very strong instinct, when something like this happens in many ways you are reduced to the level of an animal and all you can do is prepare to die that's what freezing means it's preparing to die.
OP
Don't let this happen to you, it's very difficult to fight back in the moment but you can take control when he is away from you.

Message anyone who you know will be supportive and tell them what you've told us on this thread.

People will respond with help, I promise.

Get yourself and child/ren to your mum's and the dog somewhere safe first though. You can do that now.

It's so scary. Some of us know how scary it is. Just break your day up into small chunks. See if you can get to your mum's before 12.30.

Try to email your Head the truth before 2pm. It will take a weight off your mind regarding work, performance, etc.

@Smellbellina

The police have attended before, the children’s school know what happened before, everyone will know I am an idiot for returning. I left for over 5 years, I don’t understand why I bought is back. I must have warped reality to suit my own fairy tale or something. I would say I believed he had overcome his depression etc, but I’m not sure I did really believe that. I think i did it anyway. What a stupid risk to take.

No they won’t think you’re an idiot. No one “deserves” domestic violence, it’s never the victim’s fault. Domestic violence and non violent abuse is an insidious creature, and very difficult to get away from, it’s never as easy as just LTB. I don’t have personal experience, only a teeny tiny bit of professional knowledge. You’ve as good as said you know there’ll be a 3rd strike. That you’ve told people is a huge step to take, and you’ve taken it. Keep going, you know it’s going to be hard, but you CAN do this, and you will

You can do it, Smellbellina. You can. Be very upfront with your children, they've already seen too much to be protected. Tell them you are leaving, for yourself and for them, because it is completely unacceptable for anyone to treat anyone that way. They need to know that.

just baby steps. Go to your mum's with the kids and the dog. Tell her everything, and let her protect you. Give it a few days. See what he does next. Then you can move to the next step, which is speaking to a solicitor about what you can recoup from your shared assets.

Are your children his as well? If not that is excellent because you won't have to worry about access. If they are his, you will need to report his violence towards you to the police, as you will need all the evidence you can get to restrict his access to the minimum and keep it supervised. I know that will be very hard, so don't worry about it yet. One step at a time.

You can do this. Never turn back.

it's not a bloomin' baseball game. Why should someone get to choke you twice with no repercussions? People have ended up dead from giving them one more chance.

Get out, today if possible.

Sorry OP, didn't see how long the thread was and how many days old it was.

Get yourself safe, I hope you've got some support.

Freezing is exceptionally common, and a natural instinct when flight isn't an option.

No one thinks you are stupid but if you stay then you are in grave danger. You must not give him any notice or idea you are leaving either.

You can't let him abuse you, your dog and your child. There is literally no justification for letting that happen. At the very least rehome the dog if you won't go.

Whatever is going on in your head to make you stay and that made you go back needs addressing urgently too. To even ask three strikes and you're out? As a question is so messed up. Get out, get help. Now.

If not leave for yourself leave for your children, there will be psychological effects for them and they will resent you in the future for being brought up in a household like that. I hope you find the strength to leave

Just read your update, OP, and yes, go to your mum's.

@CodenameVillanelle's advice is excellent, and you can ring the police from your mum's. Don't worry about work. You can self-certify as ill (which you are - you have post-traumatic shock) for 5 days and I'm sure your GP will sign you off if you need longer.

The crying is perfectly normal and actually a good sign. It shows you're moving out of that thing of being paralysed with terror and shock. The next stage is to get angry, that will really strengthen your resolve!

Make sure you take anything you need to access money etc, passwords for online banking, birth certificates, ID, any medication that you or DC need and so on. Take all sets of keys for your car and don't forget your phone charger and laptop/tablet.

I'm so pleased and relieved you're doing this. And you should be proud of yourself - you sound so much stronger this morning.

Let us know when you're at your mum's and we'll all raise a to the start of your new life - the one where you don't have to live in fear.

Haven't read the full thread, but if you give him a 3rd strike you could be dead.

You need to call the police/ Women's Aid, you need to do everything you can to escape.

@Smellbellina
Can you tell your sister/bil that you are in a state of shock and felling paralyzed, ask directly if they will come and remove you, the dc and pet from the situation and report him.

Ask directly, most people don't interfere out of respect, they think you can handle it yourself. Please tell them you can't.

Unforgivable. So creepy he has even got as close to your neck. When you're angry, do you feel the urge to do that? Whether on purpose or not, he could easily strangle you.

It's not even the third strike she's waiting for. It happened multiple times before she left him before. He's "only" done it twice since they got back together.

Op, get help. Do it for your dd, if not yourself. You are complicit in abusing her if you don't.

I don’t know why I feel the need to clarify but I don’t freeze at the time, I act like I don’t care. Then I ignore him and he ignores me and I quite like him ignoring me. Usually he stays in his study for a few days afterwards I thought he would this time as he screwed the door shit from the inside but when I got back last night his BIL was here talking to him. I went to bed after a while and presumed he would sleep downstairs but I woke up this morning and he was in bed with me. It was horrible.
It’s afterwards I freeze. It’s now I feel frozen. I am trying to not be frozen. Years ago I was more inclined to take action, I was conflicted because I loved him then and felt very sorry for him.
Now I just feel sad and fed up and a bit angry but in a different way to how I used to feel angry.
I am just trying to not be frozen today.

I’m sorry I’m not sure that makes much sense