Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

[Smellbellina]

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

OP,
I understand you feel so frozen that it is hard to take action.

I also feel like you are afraid of the responsibility of taking action - maybe somewhere deep down (as many women are trained to feel) you feel that standing up to him is wrong in some way.... it isn't. It is the opposite - it is caring and showing courageous kindness to everybody who deserves it - you and your DC. This guy hasn't just had two chances- as you said, he did even worse the first time you were with him... he will never change. He will only get worse.

I am trying to think of a way you can trigger your action. And telling more people and writing on here was a great start. That must have been very scary, and you have done it. You can do hard things. You knew what you would hear and that you needed to hear it posting on here. But it's not enough..... you need steps of action in real life.

You have mentioned BIL several times. Can you send an email - either to him directly or to DSis. It can be two lines. You can cut and paste even.:
"I am being horrible physically abused. I am struggling to act to get out but I know I need to. Please take me by the hand and help me and DC escape. I need your strength. I need you to help me act urgently."

Cut, paste, click send. That's it..... you can be done in two minutes. that tiny but huge act can change the direction of your and your DC's lives for the better.

Please, please get out while you still can.

OP, i've been there. I have been the victim of horrific DV. I wasn't strangled but I was the punching bag of my ex for several years. I have been pulled by my hair onto the floor and kicked and kicked and kicked head, body and legs. I have gone to work many a day my body all bruised and aching with each step I take.Coming home and laying for hours in the bath to ease the pain. I have been punched between my ribs. I have had my glasses removed and my nose punched. One night he beat me up so bad and was banging me all over the floor, the next day our neighbour said he thought there was an earthquake. I managed to escape one day during an episode of DV , I just ran to the street and never looked back even though shortly after that time I wanted to go back to him coz I thought I loved him. The only reason I didn't go back is I knew that if I did, he would definitely kill me for running into the street. I knew he will say that I ran to the street to get police attention and get him into trouble and he will beat me up so bad that I will die. By that time I had lost all my energy to defend myself. I had lost all my energy to even cover my head with a pillow and curl up to try not to get my ribs kicked in. I knew I had to leave if not I will be dead. I stayed in that horrific situation because I thought I loved him and also each time I tried to leave he threatened to have my parents killed and he hid all my academic certificates and identification. I know how you feel OP, coz at that time all that (not having my parents killed and having possession of my certificates and I'd) seemed more important to me than my own life,just like not being in sheltered accomodation is more important to you than your own life and that of your dc. Luckily I didn't have children with him as I didn't consider it a stable relationship. I would have hoped that if I did have DC I would have taken them out of that situation long before but I don't know.

You don't realise how deep a shit you are in until you leave it. Believe me. Now I am wondering why did I do this to myself. I am now only a shell of my former self as I have had all my ambition and drive and any zest for life beaten out of me. I now have a lovely, normal DH and a lovely daughter but I am not the person I used to be before I met my ex.

OP, you need to get out of this situation right now. Even if it means you take your dc and run to the street. DV never gets any better, it only gets worse. People dont miraculously change after three strikes but you know this already. It's like me asking my ex to swear on his god that he will never beat me again. It didn't work, it never does. It only keeps getting worse. Also when you leave, he will come licking your feet asking you to take him back because he knows he won't be able to find another person to be his punching bag easily. I can see you have already taken him back and that was a big mistake. There is time to remedy this mistake by getting yourself and your dc out of this situation now, forever. The decisions you make not only effect you but your dc, and can scar them for life. I say this as someone who has been though similar - you and your dc need to get out of this situation now. But if you would rather have a coffin lid over your head than have to live in sheltered accomodation please can you at least get your children out of this mess and send them to your parents or siblings, or even friends. Don't let them be innocent victims of your poor judgement and bad decisions. Please please please, get them out now, don't take them with you on your suicide mission. Please try to find that last bit of strength in you to leave and do right by your self and your dc.

I hate trying to navigate it with work, he will restrict my access to the internet sometimes which makes me look bad. I did tell him last time that I will simply tell my head that I can’t complete my work as he has taken my access away, and they will be concerned but about him not me. That stopped him. I have hinted to my mentor but I think people don’t really get the hints, you presume it’s not really happening.
I hate him so much for this, but I hate myself more for letting it happen.

I need to keep talking about it so I don’t let myself ‘forget’

Yabu
LEAVE NOW

You can get him out, call the police today.

If you work with women suffering DV, you are really well placed to access resources.

At the very least remove your poor child and dog from this house. You can choose to waste your own life don’t subject your baby and a defenceless animal to this environment.

5lilducks

Oh God Smellbellina. I’m sure you do really appreciate people revisiting really difficult memories to help persuade you.

Please. If not for you for your child, for your dog, for your sister & her husband, your parents.

So many lives will be ruined. It is every bit as bad as you fear it is.

You can’t kid yourself any longer.

Please don't wait for someone else to rescue you and your dc, or to get you out of this situation. You are the parent and the victim so first you need get yourself and DC out and then get all the help you can. Have yourself signed off from work for a few weeks until you have this shit sorted out if you have to. Do it for your dc's sake.

Could you write to your mentor now and be more direct? Hunting hasn’t worked. Some People are scared of making life worse for you by what they might fear is meddling.
You could write to your Head and your mentor. The same email. Your Head will have protocols to follow.

Hinting

OP, you are not stupid you have been abused and traumatised, you are living with a man who is trying to crush you in any way he can, that is why it is hard for you to function normally

you have been made to feel that you are worthless that is why it is hard for you to act as if your life is important
Please don't let this happen, there is a pathway to a better life, you can have peace and safety.

Keep talking (well, typing). I'm listening.

There are some nasty posters on here, but maybe some of their bile will also help you, in a weird way

Is there anything else that we can say or do that will help you take action??

One thing you really need to think about, is, If he kills you, What will happen to your kids?! He's not going to turn into a gentle, caring, loving Dad is he?! Can you leave for them, if not for yourself?

One strike and he's out. As someone else has said, the third time could be the time he doesn't stop.

@CodenameVillanelle

If you report him to the police and follow the process through you can apply for an occupation and non molestation order and keep the house.

Your inaction will not protect you.

That sounds like the way forward, if it's accurate. (I have no idea if that's possible or not?!)

@5lilducks 🌷(hug)

And what @crosseyedMary said! (& many others).

@Smellbellina I’ve been racking my brains trying to think of something that will make you act, but the reality is, it’s all been said, and yet you haven’t galvanised yourself into some form of action, which I don’t understand. You’ve literally written “kill me” on your forehead, and he’ll probably oblige, or at the very least, give it a damn good try, but worse, you are leaving your child open to the same. If protecting your child isn’t enough to make you get off your arse, then God help you.

I’ve messaged someone at work and told them as I haven’t done something I should have so I have explained and asked them to do it for me. I think I am going to go to my mums.

@Smellbellina

I’ve messaged someone at work and told them as I haven’t done something I should have so I have explained and asked them to do it for me. I think I am going to go to my mums.

Gosh well done, that was brave What you need to do is give a statement to the police and he will be arrested. They should give him bail conditions for 2-4 weeks not to return to the property. During that time you need to apply to court for a non molestation order and occupation order which will mean he cannot live in the house or come near it. Once you have those orders you will be able to file for divorce and get the financial arrangements sorted out. You are going to need help for this. The police will refer you to the multi agency safeguarding panel and they should allocate you a domestic violence advocate who can help you through all of it.

We’re not married, I thought that would make it easier but now I’m not sure. I really need to speak to a solicitor, my mum has given me details for one and offered to help with costs.

Keep going, you can do this x

I know I must seem inept but it’s shockingly hard. I’m just sat here crying. I feel frozen. I am trying to force myself to do things.

Thank you for making me face up to it. Even the harsh comments, they are true and I need to know that.

Hope you're feeling a bit less shocked this morning @Smellbellina.

I totally get how paralysing the trauma of suffering a violent attack is, especially a life-threatening one. I recommend reading papers by a woman called Zoe Lodrick, or watching her YT videos. She explains why and how being terrorised robs victims of agency to take action.

A strategy we were taught to use is to ask the victim to imagine what she would be saying and what advice she would be giving to a friend or family member who was suffering the same sort of abuse as she was. This depersonalises it, and puts it at one remove, so that it becomes easier to see clearly what needs to be done. That can help the abused woman to take the necessary action.

The safety of you and your DC is paramount. If you were a client of mine, and I was aware of what had happened to you, I would have to raise a safeguarding with children's social services because physical abuse to a parent is also emotional abuse to a child.

All the practicalities can be taken care of. People on here have given you great advice. Given the level and nature of the violence, you may well be able to apply for an emergency non-molestation order. This can be done online, details here www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence .

Where I live, the police are very pro-active regarding DV and hopefully your local force is the same. They may be prepared to put a "marker" on your address so that any call from there is given high priority. They are also very sympathetic and understanding, and realise that what has happened is a serious crime. It's also not too late to report what happened yesterday, even though there's no immediate danger.

If you have been left with any marks on your neck from yesterday's attack, take some photos of them on your phone and send them to someone you trust, eg your sister. They could prove useful evidence later on.

Pretend to yourself that you are helping someone else to put a stop to being abused. This may help you to take the actions you need to to stay safe and keep your DC safe.

You'll get great advice and support on here and hopefully from your DSis and BIL too. But please, do something to keep yourself and your family safe from this vile man. Before it's too late.

Don't become one of the 2 women a week who are killed by their partners.

It's human nature to think "it can't happen to me". I think this might be your current mindset. You are looking at your life and thinking "this bit isn't so bad .. neither is that bit .. he's not like this all of the time .. "

But I think really, your thinking last night and this morning has changed and you have now realised that it's crunch time. Find what tiny fibre of strength you have left within you to take some action.

We're not mentioning your daughter or the dog to make you feel bad or guilty, it's because it is really hard to read and none of us can take any action. I'm sorry Bell but the only person who can take action is you.

You also said earlier something along the lines of "I give as good as I get" you know you couldn't win in a physical fight. You know it's not a fight. It is abuse.

Sorry I misunderstood and read it that he choked the dog.
Mine was a shit to the dog as well, “as it had to learn”. Long story short with the dog, but it did end up traumatised as a result, and I feel terrible about that. It wasn’t his fault.

Mine was the same with work, they also knew some of what was going on, as he’d make me late, he’d ti me all the time and I’d get in trouble from him if I wasn’t at my desk.

It was so hard. Looking back, it was clear to them what was happening. They were much much older. But they didn’t say a word. Nothing. Not even a “you know that’s not right don’t you”. They just gave me meeting after meeting about his calls and his making me late.

I think being on the other side is hard as well. It’s hard to know if its interfering or helping and you don’t want to make things worse.

Please please get help. I’m 15 years out now, I still get flashbacks of things i had forgotten that didn’t seem so bad. But now I think that one thing alone was terrifying.
There comes a lightbulb moment where you go “enough” and you go. I’m scared yours is going to be too late, he sounds so dangerous. I know the strangulation will be the tip of the iceberg

The police have attended before, the children’s school know what happened before, everyone will know I am an idiot for returning. I left for over 5 years, I don’t understand why I bought is back. I must have warped reality to suit my own fairy tale or something.
I would say I believed he had overcome his depression etc, but I’m not sure I did really believe that. I think i did it anyway. What a stupid risk to take.