Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

[Smellbellina]

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

3 is madness. If it was 1 and he went on various anger management courses and mediation etc to make use it didn’t happen again, possibly ok a second chance. But if he’s tried to strangle you twice, it’s bad. Very bad.

One step at a time, Smellbellina. As with grief, there are stages in the abusive cycle.
Don’t look back at what you should have done last time: that if you hadn’t gone back you’d be a few steps further down the road. Don’t even look forward. Just look at the next step.

Your daughter won’t tell you how relieved she is until you’re all safe. And your poor dog can’t tell anyone.

What small step do you feel able to take today?
Just one thing. Do you feel able to ask your sister for a serious chat?
Do you feel able to speak to your daughter’s Headteacher?
Do you feel able to ring the police?
Or ring Women’s Aid?
Just one small step.

And it’s worth saying again. Nothing you could have ever said or done makes you 0.00001% responsible for this. Nothing.

Once would be the end of it for me. It will only escalate from there. Please leave for your safety.

OP, it's easy to say as an outsider looking in, especially as I have no experience of DV, but I agree with PPs urging you not to give him another chance. He's had enough opportunity to reform but he's not, and this isn't trivial.
I really hope you call the Police and get him removed. Why should you (and your poor children and poor dog) have to leave rather than him, and you know you need to split up don't you?!

Were the Police involved last time?

And please, at least get the poor dog away as it has no way of escaping its abuse without your help. A poster mentioned the Dogs Trust Freedom Project. It would mean you wouldn't lose your pet if you did leave and couldn't take it with you straight away.

He chokes your dog?

What the fuck are you doing? The dog doesn’t have a choice to stay or go.
I know for you it’s not that easy (I’ve been there, I know it’s not easy, I know it takes a few attempts, I know they are manipulative bastards). But the dog? Poor poor thing.

Please protect it, it doesn’t have anyone else.

OP please contact somebody and get help.
You, you DD and your poor dog are all the innocent victims. If you wait for the next time one of you may end up dead. Please find the courage to leave now. Moving into anywhere that provides a place for you away from his horrific abuse must be your priority.

Quick reply as need to work.

I left my exh. Not when he strangled me but when I saw the effect it had in my Ds who was a baby.

Your Dd is only a few years away from getting a boyfriend, she has only learnt to walk on eggshells, not fight back and a very disordered relationship - you don’t want this life for her.

I think the reason I stayed was hope it would change , that we could be a family .

I will also tell you in the freedom group there was a woman who lost her child for failing to safeguard her dc .- this is your responsibility. A man who will strangle has no limits no matter what you believe. You are not able to be objective about this as you are been abused
You are never going to have a nice family life , the rented accommodation is an excuse- there will always be barriers to leaving if you look.

Ultimately you and your Dd deserve happiness- abuse as you know is not just about the physical violence.

No he doesn’t choke the dog, he thinks she should be trained by making her fearful of consequences which I disagree with so it has caused some arguments.

If you can’t find it in you to leave for you do it for your DD. You are currently teaching her that a man can strangle you in front of your kids and it’s not a deal breaker. LTB.

I took in a dog from a Mumsnet user a few years ago. He had been abused by a man who was also battering the mother. She went to a refuge with the children and I took the pets. The dog was a nervous wreck. He dribbled wee all the time and barked at all men. Within a fortnight he’d stopped weeing everywhere, stopped following me around and stopped barking at men (although still barks at men of a certain height and hairstyle- think that’s what his abuser must have looked like). Now he’s a lovely, happy dog although still slightly nervous. That’s just what abuse did to the dog - the children were affected even more. Don’t let them down (or yourself) any longer- get them all out of there and away from your cunt of a husband.

I read first page and last. As soon as it comes to animals I loose all sense of reason and as such I have not read any more. All I can say is you're playing russian roulette with your strikes. You're lucky you're still here to consider the 3rd. Go now and don't look back.

I think you should go to your mum and dad, sit them down and tell them what you have told us - that you can't muster the impetus to leave, that you feel you can fight back in small ways but actually getting yourself, DD and the dog out of there, managing his anger, your fear and the logistics, is too much for you. Tell them you need their help. Let them provide some of the strength. Take them up on their offer to pay for a solicitor.

Once you're out of there and safe, then you can get some counselling and support to heal the damage he has done to you. It's not your fault that you are struggling to get out from under him, but you MUST accept all the help you can get to do so.

he thinks she should be trained by making her fearful of consequences which I disagree with so it has caused some arguments.

This is what he is doing to you too. You don't agree with it as a fair or proper way to treat a dog.
You are not lower then a dog, you acknowledge that it isn't right to treat a dog this way, I hope you get away as this isn't the way you or your daughter should be treated either.
He wants control over everything by fear, attacking and intimidation, he will never change.

Honeroar. Lovely of you to do something real and practical like that.

Honeyroar I mean

I'm terrified for you and your daughter. Please please leave.

You know he's going to do it again, so why wait. next time he could kill you.

Why is/was your BIL there?

Why can't you ASK him to report for you?

I don't even want to know what he's done to the poor dog - at least find a temporary safe home for your dog.

You need to get H removed from the house, do whatever it takes. Talk to your BIL.

The third strike could kill you.

My mum's boyfriend didn't need 3 strikes. He killed her the first time.

If you report him to the police and follow the process through you can apply for an occupation and non molestation order and keep the house.

Your inaction will not protect you.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/

I can't believe I'm typing these words but you have a high risk of being murdered.

Please find a way to get out. You can do this x

Would it still be your 3 strike rule if he did this to your daughter?

Because in her mind you are planting the seed that to be abused is acceptable!

I haven't read the whole thread - I read the OP and then hit reply straight away because I am so shocked and worried by what I read.

At the moment in the UK, three women are killed by their male partners or ex partners every week.

Three murdered women a week.

When a partner puts his hands around your neck, it increases the risk of him killing you by sevenfold.

To be clear, a partner who puts his hands around your neck is seven times more likely to kill you.

You need to contact the police and tell them you are a victim of coercive control and domestic violence and you need to contact Refuge or Women's Aid, or one of the other outside agencies who can help you leave safely. Most domestic violence murders happen at the point of separation so you must be careful and get as much outside support as possible.

I think I echo the majority here when I say there should only be one strike. This is not OK behaviour. What are his intentions when he does it? People don't do this kind of thing, no matter how angry or frustrated they are. If they do, it's because they want to do some serious damage to you. Not easy to hear but sounds like you're almost there anyway - Get out of that relationship.

Please don't wait. I went back, having been forced into sofa surfing with young daughter, by his violence, and that was the time he nearly killed me. Don't take the risk. Please.