Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

[Smellbellina]

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

You cannot allow the dog to live in fear.

Or your children.

Or yourself.

Don't get rid of the dog. Get rid of HIM.

Report it all today and they will take him away.

It's good to hear BIL is there.Can you talk to him while he's there, and actually ask if he can report him for you, instead of just hoping he'll do it?

Imagine if you had a daughter who told you she has let her partner strangle her twice, but it doesn’t matter as she has a three strikes rule and he hasn’t reached the limit yet

Don't wait for strike 3 get rid of him now , he won't feel the shame otherwise he would not do it in the first place. Next time he could kill you get rid of him now. If he does awful things like that he's not much to lose anyway. X

Strike 3 could kill you
Every minute when you're with him, you're in direct threat of your life. Please take this as seriously as you need to

One strike is enough for me but you are in a tricky situation so I get why you are trying to rationalise is the way you are.

Please don’t let your kid carry on believing this is ok. Funnily enough I’ve literally just posted this on another thread but I remember seeing my dad with his had around my mums throat. They thought I was upstairs but I was hiding on the stairs and saw. My dad was an alcoholic and a nasty one at that. There was mental and physical abuse. I’ve never spoken to my mum about the violence as I know she’d feel really guilty that I know.

Can you arrange for the locks to be changed while he is out and then pack his stuff and leave it outside? Then you can stay in your house. You are entitled to after all with kids. If he gets violent then call the police.

Please leave though. You are worth so much more than this and so are your kids (and the poor dog ffs).

Thinking of you xxx

It would be 1 strike and you're out for me op. So sorry this is happening to you.

@Smellbellina

We went into rented accommodation before, it was awful. I am lucky not to have to rely on emergency housing, it’s the pits. I’d rather stay here than do that.

Honestly that it fucking bonkers. You daughter has seen this. This will fuck her up for life. I didn't date until well into my 20s because I was so scared of men from what I had seen as a child, when I met dh whenever I did something wrong even if it was something small like a messed up a meal, I would run and hide in a cupboard as I thought I knew what was going to happen next from what I'd seen repeatedly as a child. Thankfullt dh wouldn't hurt a fly, but I still have the urge to do that sometimes because of the learnt behaviour.

Leave, for yourself and your kids. Accommodation is temporary you will be in a nicer one in a couple of years, the mental scars will stay with the children forever, leave and show them that it's not acceptable for people to abuse others.
He could kill you.
He could kill your children.
Leave.

This thread is really terrifying, not because of the content (which is horrific abuse) but because you are so traumatised that you cannot process how awful this is to hear from the outside.

A ten year old girl watched her dad choke her mum, and her mum doesn’t think that’s enough of a reason to leave. That is beyond shocking.

If you don’t want to leave the house, if that is an absolute that you can’t get past at this point, then can you call the police? If he is arrested then you can stay put, get a non-molestation order and keep him away.

This is not the route I think you should take because I don’t think a non-mol will necessarily stop him from coming back and finishing the job, but it is another route.

Get the police involved. Get it on record.

You can’t do it for yourself, I can see that, but your children are not you. It’s sometimes easy to see them as extensions of ourselves, but they have their own lives and you don’t have the right to choose this one for them.

All the best op. I hope one day you can look back and see just how wrong waiting for one more enormous incident is - especially when you’re not counting the beatings he gave you before you left last time. He is escalating at a ridiculous rate. You need to get out now.

If you want to be the woman I was standing their feeling like your eyes are going to burst out of your head as you are slowly strangled then stay. If not get rid now and don't wait it won't get any better

You have serious issues of your own to deal with OP and your daughter and dog will continue to pay the price of your association with this sociopath long after you've forgotten about him. If you're alive to forget him. You know what to do. Do it.

@Carandi

If he's done it twice he obviously likes it and will do it again. Don't give him the chance to kill you. Twice was once too many.

Twice was twice too many. OP leave now.

Hope you got some sleep OP - you need to speak with an impartial support organisation if you can’t bring yourself to contact the police. I don’t think some on here understand how hard it is to do more than get through the day like an automaton when abuse is going on - anything else can be too much to contemplate, and scary. There’s help out there but you need to access it - it feels like a massive thing, but it’s ok when you take that step. A lot of the websites you have been recommended won’t show on your browser history and are safe - even some numbers. However, without putting pressure on you I think folk around you will realise what’s going on and sooner or later an agency won’t be giving you choices - some family members even may feel conflicted and refer you to police/social care - so get some support now if you can from an organisation used to dealing with this. Be kind to yourself - each little thing you do for you is a step closer to finding a way through.

Today is Monday. In an hour or so, solicitors will be open. They can apply for a non molestation order (an injunction to keep him away) and an occupation order (to kick him out of the house). This will be easier if you’ve gone to the police first, but it’s not essential.

You need to leave.

The big picture might be too much right now, so just do one thing that will help you leave safely.

You don’t need to think about housing yet. You won’t be on the streets with your children, I guarantee you that.

First you need to let people who can keep you safe know you are leaving. You need to tell the police. Next time you leave the house without him go to the station in person and tell them everything. They will help you leave.

If you can’t do that then choose a day to leave, don’t pack bags unless you can 100% be certain he won’t find them. It needs to be like any other day, just walk out with the children. Literally everything else can be sorted out afterwards. You just need to go somewhere safe. Your parents, a friend, the police station.

I say this because men like him would rather see you all dead than let you leave. That includes your children. He won’t feel shame, he’ll feel righteous anger, before and after.

You are in a better position than many women to leave, your parents are “beside themselves” - they care and will protect your. Your BiL works in DV and will care and will signpost you to the best help.

Side note, The Dogs Trust freedom project will keep your dog safe until you can again.

You can do this. You need to.

I also thought I would do the 3 strike thing.

That came and went, ending in a pillow being held over my face. Was only taken off because someone knocked on the door. I truly believe I almost died that night, and THEN I left.

Your posts really scare me. He strangles you and your dog in front of your daughter? Jesus.

Do you want to be responsible for your daughter being in an abusive relationship when she's older, because she thinks that's the norm?

Do you think that you're worth more than having a man threaten to kill you?

I don't know what the simple answer is. I eventually got away after 6 years of violence. What changed for me? I knew that I could survive on my own. I despised him. I hated the sight of him, the smell of him, his body, his stupidity, his ignorance, his laziness, his arrogance, his aggression - it was a combination of becoming self reliant and also coming to hate him. I threw him out several times over the years but always took him back. Time can heal the wounds of abuse and you start to remember the 'good' times rather than the horror of being half strangled and thrown around the house like a rag doll.

Channel your hate. Build yourself up. Time being a healer can work the other way too. You can 'get over' the loss of the relationship quite quickly too. I found flirting on POF after he had left (Plenty of Fish - an online dating website) to be very empowering. Even if you never actually met anyone in person for a year, just realising that other men find you attractive can be powerful. Be selective who you engage with. One piece of shit/red flag and block. Only chat with the ones who build you up. Sell yourself on the website, only put up your most flattering photos. Sell the old you, not necessarily who you are right now.

You can get away from this cycle of abuse. Build yourself a little army of supporters (friends, family etc.). Try the gym. Or running. Or walking/Pilates/Yoga. Mind yourself. Pamper yourself.

Oh op this is shocking. There's no three strikes he should have been gone the first time. He could kill you next time. Or what happens if he decides to put his hands on your daughter? He's already proved he's a violent abusive thug what's to stop him moving on the children? Please get out. If you have to go into rented accommodation so be it, nothing is more precious then your life and the lives of your children. You've been brave to tell people and reach out to your sister and brother in law let them help you, help yourself too. you know this isn't right. Get out. Dont become a statistic. X

He could kill you. You need to leave and leave ASAP. So sorry you're experiencing this

Please hand the dog over to the RSPCA, they don't need to know why, just something like a family member has died and nobody else can look after it.

Then SS really need to be involved with your DC. This will be causing untold damage to them. They need support which they won't be getting from their parents or living conditions.

I'm sorry you won't leave him. You don't deserve to live like this but nobody can make you see that if you don't want to, but please help the innocent DC and animals involved in this that can't have a voice themselves.

If you don't leave for yourself leave for your daughter.. Why should she have to see that happening to her Mother... Its teaching her that regardless what someone does you can stay. Would you want her in that position in years to come.. Take care of yourself and think about the advice you would give a friend or relative in your situation x

Thank you everyone, those that have been kind and those that have been stark, it’s what I needed. I am not happy about my lack of action, I don’t even believe myself that I will do anything the third time, if I won’t now why would I then? I hate the fact I was stupid enough to put us all back in this situation. I am so angry and fed up, I need to get my shit together.

Can you take the children to grandparents or a good friend for a few nights as a first step?

"I don't think anything could ever, no matter how bad it was, lead you to expect what happened," Luke said.
"The second we stepped out of line, he was willing to kill all of us and I don't think anyone appreciated that."

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-42270719

I need to get my shit together
Loads of posters will be able to give you good advice on how to leave. Theyll be able to give you a plan of action. You can approach it like a tick list, dealing with one thing at a time, so it is less daunting.

@RinderTinderNotRinderGrinder

This thread is really terrifying, not because of the content (which is horrific abuse) but because you are so traumatised that you cannot process how awful this is to hear from the outside.

A ten year old girl watched her dad choke her mum, and her mum doesn’t think that’s enough of a reason to leave. That is beyond shocking.

If you don’t want to leave the house, if that is an absolute that you can’t get past at this point, then can you call the police? If he is arrested then you can stay put, get a non-molestation order and keep him away.

This is not the route I think you should take because I don’t think a non-mol will necessarily stop him from coming back and finishing the job, but it is another route.

Get the police involved. Get it on record.

You can’t do it for yourself, I can see that, but your children are not you. It’s sometimes easy to see them as extensions of ourselves, but they have their own lives and you don’t have the right to choose this one for them.

All the best op. I hope one day you can look back and see just how wrong waiting for one more enormous incident is - especially when you’re not counting the beatings he gave you before you left last time. He is escalating at a ridiculous rate. You need to get out now.

This. It bears repeating.