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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

883 replies

Smellbellina · 28/06/2020 22:03

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 28/06/2020 23:55

I think that reaction is really positive and hopefully OP.

I hesitated to post what I wanted to say and tried to be practical rather than accusatory, while hoping to give you a short sharp shock and firm reminder of what you already know - that your children are not being prioritised by anyone at the moment and that has to change.

Come on, you can do it. You can. You'll be SO proud of yourself and the MN army will be with you every step of the way with practical advice, checklists, legal advice etc.

And your BIL on the scene (assuming he isn't like you husband) sounds like a good buffer.

I believe in you, please be their protector and get all of you out if the immediate danger Thanks

averysuitablegirl · 28/06/2020 23:55

BarbedBloom thanks for taking the time to reply. I'm very pleased for you and your brother.

I hope that other women, including the OP, are able to take strength from your experiences.

Ilovechinese · 28/06/2020 23:55

I would strongly advise you to leave niall. Believe me when I say it never gets better only worse

BostonCheers · 28/06/2020 23:56

I'd be calling 3 or 4 male family members round tomorrow morning in case he kicks off and moving my stuff out. I'd then be going to a solicitor in regards to divorce and custody.

You need to get out now for your own sake as well as the DC's.

Greenmarmalade · 28/06/2020 23:58

Don’t tell him about ‘3 strikes’. Don’t piss him off.

Don’t give him another chance. Don’t leave dd alone with him. Don’t stay in the house if bil pops out.

Be completely risk-averse.

Fattyboom · 29/06/2020 00:00

Errr sorry, one strike and you're out with that. How fucking dare he!!

LakieLady · 29/06/2020 00:04

I want to be able to stay in the house we own with our children and without the fear of what he might do next. But I don’t know how to achieve that

That can be done. You get an occupation order and a non-molestation order. You start divorce proceedings. But before you can do any of that you need to get out, with the kids and the dog.

If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your children. I've worked with women whose children have ended up totally messed up with PTSD because they have witnessed shit like this.

Do it for them. Please.

And you won't be able to do any of that if you're dead because the fucker has strangled you.

Nomorepies · 29/06/2020 00:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

GracieLane · 29/06/2020 00:07

I took the emergency accommodation route. It was shit and hard, but I also no longer have to live with somebody who hurts and harms me and may turn on the kids. My kids don't live with fear. Your priorities are seriously fucked up, but I get it. All I used to worry about was losing my possessions, but a few months down the line I didn't really care about the stuff. A few years later (now) I would happily skip everything I own to get out of an abusive situation if I found myself in one again.

Sometimes it's hard to prioritise when you are in the thick of it. Leave, start healing, and everything starts to make sense again.

GilbertMarkham · 29/06/2020 00:09

Isn't hands around neck/choking/strangulation (even if not done to the point of injurt or loss of consciousness - though your incident s have left marks) widely recognised by domestic abuse and law bodies as being a strong predictor that a man will end up seriously injuring or killing his partner?

Men are very strong and could asphyxiate you or damage your neck without even fully meaning to.

You have kids - you need to raise them.abd look after them. You certainly need to if they're his and this is how he chooses to act in life/towards his supposed loved ones.

I'd fear for you,and i&m not prone to drama.

Teedeepie · 29/06/2020 00:10

OP it may be hard for you to read the messages telling you to put your children first and put an end to the terror they have witnessed and the fear they must live in every day regardless of how inconvenient and hard living in emergency or temporary accommodation may be, but the only person you should be telling to FUCK OFF is your husband.... once and for all!

I agree with others saying Social Services should be protecting your children and the RSPCA your dog if you won’t because you don’t think he would hurt/kill them!!!!

GilbertMarkham · 29/06/2020 00:11

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book? He's an online readable version (skip to the "Myths about abuse" part if you want to get into it quickly);

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

gah2teenagers · 29/06/2020 00:13

I can’t wrap my head around a mother watching her children being abused which is the sad tragic side affect of your choice to stay regardless of how you choose your future. Please take help from your BIL and DSIS. They sound ready to help.

crosseyedMary · 29/06/2020 00:13

Can you start to put together a plan with steps that you can follow

GilbertMarkham · 29/06/2020 00:13

*you need to raise them and look after them. You certainly need to if they're his and this is how he chooses to act in life towards his supposed loved ones.

..
By which I meant - you need to stay alive to raise them and look after them.

Tillygetsit · 29/06/2020 00:14

Kick him out now. If you don't it will get worse. Please look after yourself and get him out.

1Micem0use · 29/06/2020 00:15

The fact you said 'only' red marks shows you're really trying to minimise this horrific abuse. Please leave before he kills you.
What would you say to a friend or sister in this situation?

DaisyDreaming · 29/06/2020 00:16

I’m sure everyone is saying the same thing but when it comes to hands around the neck it should be one strike and they out. I’m sorry but it’s the worst sign in DV. The third time could be the time he presses a bit harder and you die. This is blunt but so so true. Please get help in leaving. It’s the most dangerous time and I’m honestly very worried for you even if things seem ok with him today

notapizzaeater · 29/06/2020 00:17

Is he in the house with you ? Will your bil help ?

frazzledasarock · 29/06/2020 00:20

When I was in an abusive relationship, when I ended up reporting him to the police the police put him on bail under the condition he didn’t approach me, my home or work place. The conditions were in place for a month, which was plenty of time for me to get a non-molestation order which lasted a year and an occupation order.

Just do it do it immediately.

Even if he doesn’t kill you by strangling you, you know he could cut off your oxygen and you could end up with brain damage or similar. Asphyxiation is really serious.

BarbedBloom · 29/06/2020 00:22

Actually that is a much better suggestion. Report to police, press charges and get a non mol order. You can then remain in the home without him

Mummyshark2019 · 29/06/2020 00:24

Yes. He needs to be the one who leaves the house not you. You need to report him and end this now.

CoronaIsComing · 29/06/2020 00:25

This is utterly terrifying. It should have been one stoke and he’s out, or it could be three strikes and you’re dead. Sorry but it’s true. What has your poor DD has to witness?!

I know it must be awful for you so I don’t mean to be harsh but it’s for your own good. You’re making excuses saying that you don’t want to rent. Please think again, this man could really kill you.

DotForShort · 29/06/2020 00:27

Please leave him. I have a close relative who was in an abusive marriage for 20+ years. She is a highly educated woman, an acknowledged expert in her field. Her husband was physically (and emotionally and financially) abusive to her and their children. He actually killed their dog, which makes your mention of your dog being abused very relevant. She rationalised stayed with him for years and years. Always one reason or another, none of them reasonable. She finally left after an incident when he walked up behind her and broke a coffee mug over her head. It wasn’t the worst incident by any means, but it came out of the blue and she hadn’t seen it coming. That was what made her finally realise that she had to leave. Her children were teenagers and adults by then, all deeply damaged by the trauma they had lived through.

Don’t give this man another chance, please. Just get out of there.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/06/2020 00:28

Why are you waiting for a 3rd time and I guarantee there will be a 3rd time.
However you may not actually have the opportunity to end the relationship.
I'm sure you get my meaning.Well no I'll say it . He could kill you or cause severe brain trauma. Please please please do not wait for that to happen.