Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

[Smellbellina]

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

Smellbellina you've been given some good, practical advice on this thread.

You can do something to make you and your dd safer this evening.

Ignore the snidey, spiteful, victim-blaming posts. They're not interested in you, just an outing for their own self-righteousness.

A woman I knew tried the three strike rule. She was murdered in front of her kids the third time.

True story.

@BarbedBloom

I am so sorry for all that you went through in your childhood.

I hope the OP will think seriously about what effect her partner's behaviour is having on her child/children.

Using the phrase "three strikes and you're out" baffles me. It's not some game!

As if two attempts at murder are fine but just watch your step on the third one, matey.

I also rather hope OP is a troll. If not I feel sick with fear for her poor family.

Arrange a rental. You dont have to go into emergency accommodation. Get organised. Then Phone a solicitor and start divorcing him. But phone the police first.

@Smellbellina

We went into rented accommodation before, it was awful. I am lucky not to have to rely on emergency housing, it’s the pits. I’d rather stay here than do that.

Yeah you're right. A nice house of your own should always come before your children and the poor fucking dog 🤦🏼‍♀️

Your children will be scarred already I hope you realise even if it's not noticeable right now, and the longer you stay and let them witness this the worse their lives are going to be.

I can't even bicker with my husband in front of my child without feeling guilty that it's upsetting for him. Be a mother ffs.

BarbedBloom

Please don’t wait for a third time, you’re giving him permission to keep hurting you and next time really could be the last. Your children need you safe and alive. Get out right now for them.
I had to grow up in a violent household from day 1, I was terrified and it ruined my life all because my mum decided to stay so we weren’t homeless. I’m still suffering now in my mid 30s and only had one relationship (that didn't last) because I’m scared of men as a result. Don’t do that to your children, therapy can’t even fix the damage this will do if you stay. Make them proud of you for being strong and escaping this vile excuse of a man.

Call women’s aid
Use your parents offer for a solicitor and see how to get an occupation order to kick him out the house
Call the police and report him, your BIL can’t do it for you he hasn’t witnessed it or heard it from you.
Get a non molestation order against him.

Woman up, get yourself out of this mess, if you don’t want to leave the house find a way to get him out. You know hands around throat is lethal, he hasn’t killed you yet out of sheer luck.

You are suffering PTSD, that is why yoy can't function how you want to.

Domestic violence in front of children is child abuse, so your sadistic husband is committing child abuse.

Ask your sister tonight to ask her husband to help you. Just one text, then delete it.

I am rooting for you and sending you, your children and the dog a whole lot of love.

On one hand I want to tell posters to fuck off, on the other I posted because I knew I needed the kick up the arse MN would give me. I just want to sleep now but I will have a proper look tomorrow. Bil is here so nothing will happen tonight, I will deal with it properly once I have had some sleep.

The snidey comments about OP not caring about her children aren't helpful to a woman who is already being very seriously abused

Children are not acceptable collateral damage. Take that as snidey if you like but they are not. OP can do what she likes, give as many 'chances' as she wants. Exposing the children to this as their 'normal'? How much damage to them is too much?

I'm glad that your bil is there.

I hope that you get some sleep and that you can take action, with the support of your family tomorrow.

smellbelllina I can understand your inability to prioritise. When you are so beaten-down you feel worthless.
I can remember when my ex was strangling me I was trying to tell him with my eyes “really, you are going to do it this time if you’re not careful .. “ and I’m ashamed to say, crazily, I thought of his mother and his grandmother and how it would ruin their lives if he was sent down for murder. All this flashed through my head in what was probably seconds.
I was so beaten I didn’t know how to leave. I needed someone to take me in hand, lead me through it step by small step. The next day and afterwards we tried go act normally but we were pretending. Both of us knew it was over and we were pretending to be a couple. We didn’t have children.
He will know it is over smellbellina. He is waiting for you to do something. He knows it’s over and you can’t possibly love him after he’s tried to kill you. So he has nothing to lose and will become more reckless.
I beg you, if you can’t do it for yourself do it for your daughter. Go to your sister and ask her to take you by the hand and lead you through getting out, step by step.

I am so sorry to hear you struggle with this. What a terrible place to be in.

But I can only agree with everyone on this thread that there can be no option other than to protect yourself and your children and leave this violent man now. However hard it is, the alternative could be far, far worse for you and your children.

FFS CJsGoldish you're not going to find anyone on this thread saying that children are acceptable collateral damage are you?

It sounds like OP is safe for tonight and hopefully she will be able to take on board some of the constructive, practical advice on this thread and ignore the sanctimonious claptrap.

Take your children and the poor dog. Run. Fast. I watched a relative live this life. Until he killed her. On his 5 strike from what we knew. He too was abusive to animals. Then he killed her, in front of his children, one of whom had to run in the street screaming that his dad had killed his mum. Please. Please. Don’t put your children or the dog or yourself through this.

HillieBoliday is right.

You need someone who isn't in a state of traumatic stress to do some of the thinking and planning for you while you and your dd physically leave this situation.

Your family care about you and they will do this.

Can totally understand why you don’t want to hear this.

You feel like you’re taking control by giving him a “hard limit”, but the problem is, the fear that keeps you stuck there this week won’t have gone away next time.

The most likely change will be in YOUR behaviour, where you try not to anger him just in case he presses the nuclear button and blows up your life.

It will be tempting to dismiss or minimise it when it does happen again - that it’s not as bad as it was last time, or you’ll question was it really your neck, maybe he just grabbed your face/shoulder etc because you won’t want to admit that this is finally it.

I truly feel for you. I mentioned up-thread that this happened to me once. It was over 20 years ago and the memory of it still makes my heart race. I was young and had no idea how serious it was. I was lucky that when I screamed there was another man in the house who was woken by it and managed to pull him off me. If he hadn’t woken up I could be dead.

Barbedbloom
I'm so sorry for the horror and the trauma that you have been through 💐
Those of you on the thread who feel angry with OP about her priorities, please try to bear in mind that repeated trauma can leave people in a state of shock where they are not able to think logically or process things properly
I think she has been programmed and conditioned to obey someone who is abusing her, who is a threat to her life, this can put you in the state of extreme 'cognitive dissonance' where it's hard to know up from down

Your wrong, it should be one strike and out.

But you need to do what you need to do, leaving an abusive relationship is hard if you need to make it three strikes until you feel able to leave then that's what you need to do

@averysuitablegirl Thank you. I am now happily married and my brother is doing okay too. My mum now has a lovely boyfriend who treats her very well.

@backseatcookers Thanks. It took me a long time to come to terms with it and I had therapy after two abusive relationships. I struggled with anger towards my mother for a long time but my own abusive relationships made me see a different perspective, especially back then when we didn't have the support there is now. As I said above, I am now very happily married and my brother is a wonderful father.

OP, better to be in rented than in a box. I have to rent, I have no choice as we can't afford to buy. I left my abusive relationship with a laptop, he kept everything else. Rented isn't that bad.

You are clearly putting no value on your life so I suggest you drop your child at social services and dog at the RSPCA as you have been given a lot of good advice and keep making excuses for this horrific abuse.

I would strongly advise you to leave niall. Believe me when j say it never gets better only worse

I'm so glad your BIL is there. He is the one you need I your corner?

Did your sister send him?