AIBU to cry every time I top up with formula?

[Hiphopopotamus]

I’m sure I am but I think my hormones are still all over the place (that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it)

I’ve got a four week old DD. When we were in hospital my milk took a couple of days to come in and DD was jaundiced, so the midwife had me topping up my breastfeeding with formula after every feed to clear it out.

We’re now four weeks on and I’m desperately trying to stop the top ups as I really want to EBF. We’re no longer topping up after every feed but how much formula she has varies. Sometimes it’s just one small 70ml bottle at night, sometimes up to 3 or 4 70ml bottles spread throughout the day. I really try not to give it unless I have to but for example this evening, she’s been doing her ‘I’m hungry’ cry but not managing to stay on the breast so then I use the top up so she gets fed.

The actual breastfeeding mostly seems to be going well - some days I really feel like we have it cracked and she is a good latch and seems satisfied after feeds. But every time I have to top up it just absolutely knocks my confidence in my ability to breastfeed her. I’m also so worried that it’ll become a vicious circle and that my supply will never reach her demand due to the top ups.

I just had to give her a formula top up and I just cried afterwards which I know is probably so stupid but I really just want to be able to feed her from the breast exclusively, and I feel like such a failure for not being able to.

So AIBU to feel this way? And does anyone have any advice on how to wean off the formula top ups in a way that won’t leave my DD dehydrated or hungry.

YANBU and this is not your fault. Milk does take a few days to come in, and it’s so bloody irritating how many midwives and HV stupidly advise introducing formula. It utterly messes up supply and demand and is all about arse covering! The best thing for jaundice is breast milk, and if they had left you to continue with colostrum on demand until milk came in, it would be fine.

Have your top off, lots of skin to skin and baby on breast every single time they fuss. I would really try to get rid of or decrease the formula. I have heard of not expressing until 6 weeks and followed that rule but I don’t see what you have to lose by trying.

Do NOT feel bad - you received bad advice from people you trusted as they were medical professionals. You are doing your best, and your baby will be fine whatever the outcome.

If you really want to breastfeed exclusively then you need some support. Can you ask to see a breastfeeding specialist midwife or a lactation consultant privately? Expressing isn’t a substitute for feeding from the breast so you need to try to reduce the formula gradually and feed as much as you can from the breast. If she seems uninterested in feeding you need to persevere and be patient as you’re both learning to feed. Try to get your latch right and make sure you’re in a comfortable position, there’s advice online if you look for it. You’ll get there, you just need a bit more help, but keep trying to reduce the formula if you can

@gonewiththerain

Well done!

What's your health visitor like op? Can you get in touch with her?

It is perfectly normal for a baby to breastfeed for hours on end in the first couple of months - especially in the evenings and doesn’t necessarily mean they are not satisfied on your milk.

Yes, yes, yes. All of @MKmummy123 post is great advice.

It's so hard to trust they are getting enough, but they will, just keep feeding. If you're concerned about your supply, you could try switch feeding for a few days. This is where you feed from one side for 6 or 7 minutes, then switch sides, then switch back again until the baby is done. It's more hassle than having them latched on until they're done but it encourages repeated letdowns and lets your body know more milk is needed.

The most important thing is your wellbeing, and there is no reason not to top up with formula, but if working to EBF is the best thing for your wellbeing then you might just need to commit to a short period where feeding is your focus. Eat well, drink lots and lots, skin to skin and feed. I used to doze in bed for afternoons just moving from side to side to let the baby feed. It does get easier and less intense but in the early days, small tummies and growth spurts can mean lots of feeding.

Best of luck, be kind to yourself.

Also, google "breastfeeding flapjacks" (my mum made me some when I was waiting for my milk to come in).

I was in an almost identical situation to you, except I started expressing from day 3 when we were hospitalised for jaundice. I expressed/ formula top up for 10 days until tongue tie was snipped, but then felt trapped in the need for top ups. I gradually built up how much I expressed and weaned off formula. Then at about 4 weeks I spent 3 days basically just feeding non stop and was able from then on to feed via latching. Except (and this was important) when I wanted her to have a bottle of expressed milk- suddenly I had the best of both worlds!

Those first few weeks were some of the most exhausting and stressful of my life, and it felt so much longer than 4 weeks. It felt so important to bf, and I did bf for 2 years eventually. But nearly 6 years later I look back and it doesn't seem important now. Be kind to yourself, and please don't feel like a failure. It helped me to almost view formula as medicine- it was totally essential for the period she needed it, be that short or long term. Good luck

Thanks so much for all the advice and the talking to! My DH keeps telling me to be kind to myself and give myself a break but apparently I need it to come from strangers on the internet 🙄 You’re all lovely.

I really want to give this the best go I can, so that even if we have to keep going with top ups, at least I know I’ve tried everything first. She is putting on weight really well - she never dropped below her birth weight and has been gaining steadily since and we have plenty of wet and dirty nappies so I think I need the confidence to persevere. It’s been harder because although I’ve had some online breastfeeding support, no face to face things have been running - even my health visitors appointments have been over the phone, and it’s just harder.

So tomorrow I’m planning a day in bed with DD with loads of skin to skin and pretty constant feeding whenever she wants, express what I can in between, and I’ll try not to doubt myself. I’m sure I will come back to this thread for plenty of encouragement and advice though if you’re all happy to stick around!

Oh OP, please don't cry, as long as baby is fed, clean, warm and loved you're doing just fine. EBF is not the be all and end all. Hormones are definitely a part of it, but in no way are you failing by topping up.

Congratulations on your baby

Hi OP I am also feeling shit about top up feeds with my 6w old. Been doing top ups for 3 weeks but I want to stop them. Didn't give any yesterday and only one of 3oz today. Feeding all the time the last few days, growth spurt I think. I don't know why the guilt is so deeply inbedded in to me but it is and I am determined to ebf. Good luck to you and your baby. Try and have a day off from everything else and just spend the whole day feeding and building up your supply. I'm in the same boat

Yanbu OP because it's not a question of unreasonableness, but I do remember this feeling as I had the same experience as you. 11 years later the one thing I regret about how I did the baby years is not being nicer to myself about mix feeding. I remember hiding away in a park shelter to bottle feed DD because I was so ashamed. The truth is I mix fed for ages, it was fine, and it worked out better in the end anyway because DH did the bedtime feed and it was much easier for me to go out etc.

Please give yourself a break.

Of course! MN was an absolute saviour for me in the early days of bf dd, and I would never have fed for 2.5 years without the support here.

Ask any questions, or just come back for support, there will always be someone that can help. Good luck!

It’s just crazy how much emotion is wrapped up in this whole feeding business isn’t it? Although I always knew I wanted to EBF if I could, I didn’t expect to feel this emotional about it!

Oh bless you, I cried too so so much. But looking back you will see how strong you are. Your baby will get all the extra good stuff from what you can give, the formula is just the extra calories.

I expressed from day 2 so go for it

Definitely ask to speak to your local infant feeding team if you haven't already done so - mine were fantastic and are a huge part of the reason I'm still breastfeeding at 7 months. Formula top ups aren't necessarily a problem unless you're unhappy with it- if you speak to them they should be able to help you to come up with a plan to reduce them down. Wet and dirty nappies and weight gain are the two biggest indicators that everything's working for baby so you're doing a great job. Babies that young feed all of the time - there's nothing wrong with you or your supply in that respect! Check out the facebook groups Breastfeeding Younger Babies and Beyond and also Lucy Webber Breastfeeding IBCLC - so informative and you'll find so many similar stories to your own. Best of luck, you can do this!

Be kind to yourself. If you weren’t beating yourself up over this it’d be something else! The first few months are so tough. I had to top up my DS’s feeds for similar reasons and wasted a lot of time fretting about it. He’s now (still!) exclusively breastfeeding at 2.5 years old which I could never have imagined in those first difficult weeks.

(The one thing I wish I’d done is kept one bottle feed for his last feed before bed - a friend did this and it made it so much easier for the dad / grandparents to put her DD to sleep. Every cloud.)

I also had issues with PCOS/c-section and it affecting my breastfeeding

I gave myself such a hard time when I finally decided to go to formula. I felt a failure and actually apologised to people for not being able to do it. I cried for days and days. You'd have thought I was feeding DD water out the bog given how I acted.

When I look back I'm glad I switched to formula because it meant I was able to give my DD what she needed. She lost so much weight in just a few days I dread to think what would have happened if I'd pushed what I wanted over what she needed. I was incredibly blinkered and determined to EBF to the point where I now wonder who that hormonal and irrational lady was! I wouldn't even consider expressing because I'd read a load of stuff about babies refusing the breast if they bottle fed and that, combined with the NCT class not even allowing us to discuss bottle feeding even when it was expressed breast milk, meant I wasn't able to make a rational decision whilst totally exhausted and wrung out. Formula was evil, I was too soul destroyed to consider expressing and my baby and I just wouldn't stop crying.

You need to do what will make you and your baby happy. No one really cares if you EBF or formula feed other than you. My DD is now 18months and you wouldn't be able to tell what I'd fed her when she was teeny tiny.

Please be kind to yourself and consider expressing if you need to and don't think formula is the evil it's sometimes made out to be. It's there for a reason after all. It's only been four weeks, I have friends who took quite a while to crack it and they're now successful even heading towards still feeding their babies at 2 years old.

I don't feel I missed out by not EBF. It meant I could enjoy my baby more because I wasn't stressed out by the feeding and crying anymore (once I'd accepted it)

Please don't feel guilty about giving your baby formula. It's hardly beer and pizza, it's designed to be their food and subject to strict regulations to make sure it's safe and nutritious.
The push of breast is best is mainly in response to women in developing countries using formula but diluting it too much as it's expensive and using unclean water.
I have a science background and looked into the research of formula vs bfing when I was struggling to bf and feeling awful guilt. The research for developed nations is actually very weak.
If you choose to ebf, to express, to combination feed or to formula feed please just don't feel any guilt. Each choice is absolutely fine for your baby so do what is right for you.
One thing I have learnt in my journey into motherhood is that often what is best for me is the best for my daughter. For me that was stopping trying to breastfeed, leading to me stopping stressing and battling with her to latch for hours every day, and instead having lovely cuddly feeds where she would happily have her bottle and fall asleep in my arms. Our bond improved so much because we were both happier.
So follow your instincts and please make choices where you consider the impact your decisions will have on yourself as well as your baby. Because, even if indirectly decisions that are not right for you will end up being not right for them too, you're their mummy.

I used to as well. I wish I could go back and have a word with myself. It really is no big deal. You are not a failure. Your baby will not be less healthy because you gave it a bottle. Your baby will not be overweight. Your baby will not be less likely to go to university. Forgive yourself and feed your baby.

This is really hard but do not feel guilty about feeding your baby! Breast feeding is the hardest thing you will do and you will get there but after baby has had jaundice they need milk wherever it comes from to keep their fluids up. I had a premature birth, undiagnosed tongue tie where he could not latch on, was just hand expressing and crippling what I could into his mouth. My sister was so against formula that when she came round in the day I kept on trying to bf as she told me it’s hard and takes time ( before I knew about the tongue tie) , and was giving him formula ‘in secret’ at night. Looking back I feel so awful why on earth was I protecting my sisters feelings rather than feeding my son with formula, but hormones do that to you. I started to express at 5 days as I knew he wasn’t getting more than a few mls of breast milk and I kept this up every 2 hours for 25 days until he managed to have his tongue tie sorted. Please don’t feel bad you are doing your best, but I would urge you to always offer boob first at every feed and then bottle so he is still used to doing it. Have you amanges to contact ant breast feeding counsellers or contacted the Leche league? They are so helpful. My son also had reflux which wasn’t diagnosed until nearly 3 months and was just told that babies cry. My advice is stick to your instincts and if u think something is wrong, call everyone!

OP it's such an emotional time and I really felt like feeding was a huge deal - mine had a terrible latch, feeding was awful but I couldn't stop because it felt more awful to stop than carry on! I decided to get all of the support I could access and then if it didn't work out I could stop without feeling so bad about it. Of course FF is fine but it wasn't fine for me because I didn't want that, rational or not. I'm so glad I stuck at it and it's so much better now (with a few bumps along the way, but the whole process of raising a baby is bumpy!)

You’ve had lots of good advice on here OP but just wanted to add it can be quite normal for a 4 week old never to seem satisfied. I’m not a medical professional but at that age mine was feeding every hour at least, and for 4-5 hours solid in the evenings (sometimes with short breaks of 10-15 minutes or so). They’re building up your milk supply. Breastfeeding’s all about supply and demand - in the first six weeks or so in particular you just have to be prepared to let them suck and suck and suck.

I’m surprised the MW told you to give formula at the beginning. My son had jaundice too but it’s perfectly normal for milk not to come in for a few days.

I would book an appointment with an IBCLC. You may need to work on your supply. Breastfeeding is bloody hard. I ebf my first then fed for two years but couldn't get my twins established for a number of reasons so ended up pumping and topping up with formula. It's not the end of the world either - it's only formula!

Google power pumping and get expressing then top up can be breast milk. I pumped from day 2 after both my babies. Tough going but worth it if u feel strongly about breast feeding

Are you on Instagram? If so there’s a lactation consultant on there called @milkmakingmama who posts really helpful BFing content. I’ve seen her post something about these kind of issues quite recently. I also found the Kellymom website really helpful and second the La Leche League recommendations.