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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling upset having kids older than planned

132 replies

Adaira · 28/06/2020 20:17

I know I sound like I'm being ridiculous but just need to get it out. I'm 33 next week and I'm devastated we haven't had kids by now. I got with my partner when I was 26 and had always hoped we would have had them by now. Life got in the way and we have only TTC now but my mum had me when she was 34 and I remember how I always wished she was younger and now I'll be probably older than that if I have one and who knows how old if I have a second one.

I sometimes think we didn't start earlier or get married earlier as a lot of our friends all got married at the same time a few years ago and my fiance thought he couldn't propose then. I just can't help feel resentful at him which isn't fair. I've been properly upset over this the last few weeks, like I'm grieving for the life I didn't have. I worry about when I'm 50 or 60, my child will be X years old. Worry about being the oldest at the school gates and that my parents are too old to enjoy them (they are both 67). I get resentful about friends who got married first and are now having kids as I feel my life was put on hold for them. I had an abortion when I was 25 and even though it was the right thing, I feel constant regret over it as I just feel I would have been a mum by now.

Lockdown probably isn't helping either and I know IABU however I just can't seem to get out this mindset.

OP posts:
ganzgenou · 28/06/2020 20:42

YABVU OP.

As someone who's been TTC for 7 years and would give my right arm for a miracle you need to take a good look at yourself and be grateful if and when a LO comes along irrespective of being the oldest mum at the school gate.

Remind yourself that it's a privilege when and if it comes along - not your God given right. Your DH proposing when you were 19 wouldn't have guaranteed you'd be a mum by now. Believe me.

TheWolfWoman · 28/06/2020 20:46

Devastated?

Praiseyou · 28/06/2020 20:49

Firstly 33 is not old for anything, including having kids. You will not be the oldest at the school gate by a long shot.

The past is the past. You cannot go back and redo it so you need to think positively and move on from here.

Resenting your dh for not proposing is daft. There are 2 of you in the relationship; if you wanted to get married earlier, you could have spoken up.

Think of all the positive things that you have done over the last few years; cherish those memories and move on to a new chapter.

There are literally millions of people whose life didn't turn out the way they thought (me included!). You adapt to your normal. Grieving for something that was only ever in your imagination is a waste of time. The only thing that will happen is that your life will go on and in a few years time, you will be upset with yourself that you wasted this time worrying instead of enjoying life.

MissConductUS · 28/06/2020 20:49

I had mine at 39 and 41. Both are in uni now. It was fine.😊

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 28/06/2020 20:52

That is not old. Chill out. Sounds like you need something real to fret about.

SockQueen · 28/06/2020 20:53

First time mums are older now than when we were kids, OP. You're a couple of years younger than me and my mum was 36 when I was born and 40 when she had my sister. I remember being aware she was older than my friends' mums but it was never a huge issue. Now it's totally normal in many circles to have your first in mid-late 30s, I had DS1 at 32 and was one of the first of my friends! Don't panic about it.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 28/06/2020 20:54

So if you feel too old to have children, don't have them?

majesticallyawkward · 28/06/2020 20:55

YANBU to feel sad about not having the life you thought you would. But it's not something to dwell on, you have a lot to look forward to and are in a very fortunate position, focus on that instead.

The average age of new mums is rising and you are still young. I honestly think it's better to have children when you are ready- emotionally, financially etc- than having them young just because.

PinkiOcelot · 28/06/2020 20:56

I had my first dd at 33, second at 36. I certainly wasn’t the oldest at the school gates. There were a few younger but not many at all.

You can’t help how you feel about it I suppose though.

majesticallyawkward · 28/06/2020 20:56

To add, I'm 31 and one of the younger parents at the school gate. 33 is not old by any standards

RedBrownBrick · 28/06/2020 20:58

I know I sound like I'm being ridiculous

Yes, you really do.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/06/2020 20:59

You’ve got plenty of time but you need to own your choices too, you’re putting a lot of blame on your partner when you were there too. He might not have wanted to propose but a proposal isn’t obligatory and you didn’t have to wait.

Having a baby isn’t promised to any of us. Good luck ttc but you need to dial the angst and drama down or seek help in dealing with your feelings because you’re leaping miles ahead when you’re only on the starting blocks and could have a way to go.

BendingSpoons · 28/06/2020 20:59

Why did you wish your mum was younger? Did you wish she was 'cooler' or did different things with you? This can be achieved at different ages. Where do you live? 33 isn't much older than the average first time mum, and in some areas many are older (London for example).

YABU to be annoyed with your friends. You and your fiancé made the decision to wait (maybe more so him).

Depending on how quickly you concieve, you could have 2 kids by 36. That's really not that old! Even if you don't there will be other things you have done in the past that you wouldn't have done if you had kids earlier.

HelloDulling · 28/06/2020 20:59

The average for women to have their first baby is 30.7 years. You won’t be an old mum at the school gate.

BabyLlamaZen · 28/06/2020 21:02

What were you doing in the years before? Every year has made you grow as a person and mum to be. You can now focus on kids and nothing else. Smile

Remember that when you were young, that was more unusual. Now it's the absolute norm. You having kids at 34 is like your mum having at 29 back in the 80s.

Agree that you should talk about it all with oh though.

Wilkiemini · 28/06/2020 21:02

I’m 47 years old I have three kids feel free to borrow them anytime you’ll change your time within a day!

Your struggle is real but only you can fix it talk to your OH and sort a plan!

BabyLlamaZen · 28/06/2020 21:02

Also op... any chance you're pregnant now? :D

Thneedville · 28/06/2020 21:03

People have children later now, you absolutely won’t be old compared to other mums at the school gate, your DC won’t think of you as older than other parents. Plans that we make rarely happen exactly when we want, that’s life and you have to start from where you are now.

I can understand the yearning for a baby but that doesn’t seem to be what you are saying the problem is.

Your reaction to being a slightly-older-than-imagined sounds out of proportion, is everything else ok in your life (other than lockdown?)

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 28/06/2020 21:06

I'm about to turn 43, my youngest is 2. I'm not the oldest or the tiredest of the mums I know. Most people's lives don't turn out the way they wanted. Mine certainly hasn't. Also remember when we grieve for "the life we didn't have", it's always the shiny perfect one but life isn't like that. I'm an older mum due to trauma in my past and I've done the same thing but there is never any guarantees. We don't get to cherry pick the good bits.

Lou898 · 28/06/2020 21:07

I had my first at 32 and second at 37 - they are now 21 and 16. I certainly wasn’t the oldest mum, I’d say majority were similar. I think it’s a good thing to have a bit of time as a couple before having children as things revolve around the children from that point on, not that I have a problem with that as I was ready for the change.

Itisbetter · 28/06/2020 21:07

Take five years off your age. Be 28 and now you are just where you (a bit strangely but it’s ok) want to be. Smile

Aria2015 · 28/06/2020 21:08

I think you need to get a bit of perspective, I had my first child at 33, I'm in no way the oldest mum at the school gates (that I can tell) and I'm having another baby now (will be 39 when this one is born). My mother is mid 70's and gets plenty of enjoyment out of my lo. Mid 70's isn't that old for those in good health and with a youthful mindset.

At the end of the day, you can't do anything about where you are now. You can't be proposed to sooner, get married earlier or have a baby younger. Your situation is in no way uncommon and there is absolutely no reason why you can't still start a family and still get the full enjoyment out of motherhood that you want. Your age is only an issue if you let it be.

FanSpamTastic · 28/06/2020 21:09

I know a really wide age range of mums at our school. The youngest had her first baby while still at uni - the oldest was in her 40s when she had her first. We all have one thing in common and that is our kids are in the same year group. You don't really notice ages - your kids keep you young/ age you beyond your years in equal measure!

You cannot change what has happened - don't let it spoil your future. Just live in the moment - enjoy the time TTC - once you succeed you really don't get this time again!

doadeer · 28/06/2020 21:10

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous YBVU. I know so many people who are struggling to conceive. It's devastating.

33 is still young... Where I live the average age is 38 for first mums.

Honestly there must be other stuff to get upset about.

Be happy you have a loving husband and family

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/06/2020 21:12

You’re not old OP, but YANBU to have those feelings of regret. You’re reaching that age where your whole life is no longer in front of you and your parents are entering the elderly 70+ age range. It’s perfectly normal to be in your 30s and taking stock of what you have accomplished compared to what you had planned. But realise that hindsight is always going to show up decisions made that you might wish you’d done differently. The truth is though, that we can never benefit from hindsight, the choices we make we make without knowing the future. So you need to be kinder to yourself. Yes you had planned and expected children younger, but it was not to be. And often what seems bad, is actually good in disguise. You having children later may mean your relationship with your children’s father is now strong enough to survive parenthood (children can break a couple, it is a marathon of mental and physical endurance). If you’d had then earlier, you might be divorced and struggling as a single mum. So be kind, and have a little faith in yourself that you are making good decisions based on the reality of life and not blindly following an imaginary blueprint you have in your head.