Feeling upset having kids older than planned

[Adaira]

I know I sound like I'm being ridiculous but just need to get it out. I'm 33 next week and I'm devastated we haven't had kids by now. I got with my partner when I was 26 and had always hoped we would have had them by now. Life got in the way and we have only TTC now but my mum had me when she was 34 and I remember how I always wished she was younger and now I'll be probably older than that if I have one and who knows how old if I have a second one.

I sometimes think we didn't start earlier or get married earlier as a lot of our friends all got married at the same time a few years ago and my fiance thought he couldn't propose then. I just can't help feel resentful at him which isn't fair. I've been properly upset over this the last few weeks, like I'm grieving for the life I didn't have. I worry about when I'm 50 or 60, my child will be X years old. Worry about being the oldest at the school gates and that my parents are too old to enjoy them (they are both 67). I get resentful about friends who got married first and are now having kids as I feel my life was put on hold for them. I had an abortion when I was 25 and even though it was the right thing, I feel constant regret over it as I just feel I would have been a mum by now.

Lockdown probably isn't helping either and I know IABU however I just can't seem to get out this mindset.

Hi op, my youngest is 9, I’m 42 and had her at 33. At school pick up/drop off we have a huge spectrum of ages there.

There are young mums under 30 who had them around 19/20/21, a couple in their 30’s and the rest of us are in our 40’s. Im miles from being the oldest. Try not to worry and enjoy TTC

I’m 47 years old I have three kids feel free to borrow them anytime you’ll change your time within a day!

Really? I can't believe people really actually say this sort of nonsense.

In what way is this sort of statement helpful to people who are upset about not having children?

"Devastated" would be a proportionate reaction to being told you won't live long enough to have children. And that your premature death will be brutal and traumatic.

Not to what you describe.

YABVU. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Lots of people have kids when they are older now, it’s the norm. Time to grow up and get on with your life

I had a similar experience to you OP- had a termination in my 20s, was the right decision then but still hard to come to terms with.

Started TTC around 33, thought it would happen immediately. It took 4 years and two fresh rounds of ICSI to get DD. During that time I of course wondered what if, was eaten up inside with guilt about the termination.

In the end I had to tell myself that I made the best decision I could at the time, and look ahead and focus on getting myself mentally and physically in a good place for the fertility treatment. I still think about it- and feel sad about it but I know I couldn’t have coped with a baby at that time in my life.

I wish you all the best- 33 is not old for a first time mum but if you do struggle to conceive please seek help.

Well I had DD at 37 and I have never been the oldest at the school gates! And my SIL was 45 I think - though I know she did not deliberately leave it that late, it was not ideal by any means.

Good luck TTC OP.

I had mine at 35 and 37 and it feels pretty perfect tbh.

This is more to do with the feelings around your termination.

I had my 1st at 22 and my 2nd at 34,they are now 13 and 2. I don't think I'm any less of a mum to my 2nd as I had him older, if anything I have more patience this time around.
I never planned on things this way and having such a big age gap but life doesn't care about our plans and now I wouldn't change a thing

How young or old you are is not the same as your age. My mum was 42 when she had me and I've always thought that was too old. But then a friend had a friend at the same age and I then realized how true my opening statement is. My mum would have been an old mum at any age. (She was only 49 when we got a vcr for eg, but she decided she was too old to learn how to use it.)

I've just had my first at 39, despite promising myself I wouldn't have a child over 33. It's fine. I definitely don't feel older than the other mothers I know.

I understand op. I'm about to turn 32 and having those panicky feelings about having left pregnancy to my 30s (we've been trying for about 10 months now). But I know
I'm not that old, and neither are you!! Just got to crack on!

My mum was 42 when she had me. I'm now 33 with two DC. My mum babysits them for me when work. She will be 75 in November. She's as fit as me if not fitter. Stop worrying.

I opened this expecting it to be from a woman in her early forties (and even then it’s definitely not too late). Early thirties is a perfectly standard age to have your first child. Life happens as it happens - you just have to deal with whatever situation you find yourself in.

You could have a baby by 34 and time to have more. Thirties is not old especially nowadays, it's probably very typical.

Many women your age would probably envy you having found a partner and being married. You are probably in a better financial situation and have more life experience which will make family life easier. And I don't think you are going to look or act any different than you would have done 5 years ago. You can't change the past, just live in the present.

I had my children in my thirties (in the early nineties) and didn't feel different at all even though it was more common then to start a family younger. Some people thought I was in my twenties! I'm now 60, and my children are late twenties and my granddaughter was born five years ago. I don't feel old.

As for your parents, unless they are ill I don't think you should worry. I am 60 and have loads of energy for my grandchild. I'm likely to be nearer 70 when my younger child has a family but I don't anticipate it being a problem - I know plenty of grandparents older than that who are very involved with their grandchildren. Age isn't necessarily key, my in-laws were young grandparents but were more interested in their own lives.

It's probably lockdown making you over think things. Hope it all works out well for you.

I thought I'd be having my first at about 33. I actually brought my son home when I was 36 and had my second a couple of months off 39.

It's fine op, honestly. I was tired when I was Pg at 38, but I think this was in the main down to looking after a toddler and working full time as much as anything else. I know mums of all ages, no one judges.

Life often doesn't quite go as planned, try not to worry about it and just go for it.

I had my first child at 33, I'm in no way the oldest mum at the school gates (that I can tell) and I'm having another baby now (will be 39 when this one is born)

^ This was me 11 years ago. Worked out fine.

You can regret the fact that you didn't have them younger, of course. I understand that. However, it was a specific egg and a specific sperm that came together at those moments in time (at 32 and 38) to create my DC's. Can't imagine them looking/being any other way!

Be grateful you have someone who lo es you and have a child with, I'm still looking for my OH and I'm 37 imagine still being single and knowing there isnt much time and I'm always for being married for a few years before having kids and that is rapidly becoming less so for me

My friend got pg earlier than planned, and her mum said 'there's never a perfect time, just go with it'. I think that's right. If you are lucky enough to conceive without problems and end up with a family, just enjoy. Some people have DCs very young, some much older - there are advantages and disadvantages to both.

I had mine in my 40s as I didn't meet DH until mid 30s and then by the time we decided to marry etc we found I needed IVF. Yes - I'm the oldest mum at the school gates, but not by much - although some children have grandparents younger than I am.... OK, I may never meet my grandkids/greatgrandkids - but who knows if my DCs will even have children! On the plus side - we are financially sorted and I can afford to stay home and look after my DCs. We are still fit and can go for bike rides etc.

You're miles younger than we were, having DCs in your late 30s is totally normal these days. As PPs have said - YABU, I hope it all works out and you get the family you want! Good luck!

You've still got plenty of time. My youngest is 10 and I am 49. In her year group there are at least 4 other parents in their early to mid fifties and some in their twenties with most being in their 30s. We all get on, nobody gives a hoot who is the oldest/youngest etc - we all have the same thing in common being our kids are all the same age

When is your wedding?

My concern here is your dp is wasting your time.

Thank you for all your posts. I'm aware my thoughts aren't rational yet I can't seem to control how I feel. Some of the posts here are what I needed to hear. I do think some of it may be wrapped up in suppressed emotions about my termination. But I appreciate all the comments here.

Our wedding was supposed to be earlier this year but has been delayed until December due to coronavirus. However we have just decided to start ttc as that just seemed to long to wait.

We were supposed to be having our 30 year school reunion this year (gulp). As a result there has been quite a lot of facebook activity.

It is very noticeable that there are a lot of small children about, down to toddlers, and perhaps the most common age range is late primary to early teens. My two are mid teens, and thus at the older end of my former classmates progeny. Those who had children in their 20s are decidedly unusual, mid to late 30s looks to be the commonest and quite a number over 40.

At the schools my children have been at we have felt like the younger parents. I know there are other schools near us where that would have been different - but they are the minority.

I do get this in a way. My parents were 35 and 40 when they had me and I was mid 30s when I had mine. So my parents are now mid - late 70s with v young grandchildren.

I wish I could shave about 8 years off their ages, as my children love them so much and they have such a positive influence on the kids. It makes me sad that they will be lucky to see them grow up to adulthood, I know they'd love to be there for their graduation, for example, I really hope they will be.

In turn I guess the same fate will befall me if I become a grandparent.

But I don't worry about being the oldest mum at the school gate, I'm really not. Whilst I could have had my kids a couple of years younger I enjoyed my 20s and early 30s and don't regret that carefree time as its certainly not like that now.

I was 37 when I had my DD. I thought I’d be the oldest mum at the school gates, but I wasn’t. There were a couple older than me, a couple exactly my age and several between two to five years younger. I felt fine and made some lovely new mum friends. I’m interested in what’s current, stay healthy and relatively fashionable (for my age ) and my DD isn’t ashamed of me, in fact, we have a great, close relationship. My parents are in their late 70s, but also young at heart. They also have a terrific relationship with DD.