Feeling upset having kids older than planned

[Adaira]

I know I sound like I'm being ridiculous but just need to get it out. I'm 33 next week and I'm devastated we haven't had kids by now. I got with my partner when I was 26 and had always hoped we would have had them by now. Life got in the way and we have only TTC now but my mum had me when she was 34 and I remember how I always wished she was younger and now I'll be probably older than that if I have one and who knows how old if I have a second one.

I sometimes think we didn't start earlier or get married earlier as a lot of our friends all got married at the same time a few years ago and my fiance thought he couldn't propose then. I just can't help feel resentful at him which isn't fair. I've been properly upset over this the last few weeks, like I'm grieving for the life I didn't have. I worry about when I'm 50 or 60, my child will be X years old. Worry about being the oldest at the school gates and that my parents are too old to enjoy them (they are both 67). I get resentful about friends who got married first and are now having kids as I feel my life was put on hold for them. I had an abortion when I was 25 and even though it was the right thing, I feel constant regret over it as I just feel I would have been a mum by now.

Lockdown probably isn't helping either and I know IABU however I just can't seem to get out this mindset.

Have you ever thought of Getting counselling ?

I'm 35 (just turned) and currently 19 weeks pregnant with my FIRST.

My partner is 42 (nearly) and this will also be his first.

We have even discussed the possibility of having a second, but it'll be not long after this one.

I have a friend who has just turned 40 and she has 3 children; 8, 5 and 2. Which means she was 32 when she had her first and 38 when she had her youngest.

Aside the medical aspects, age is only relative to how you feel. Do you feel too old to have a child?

I do kind of get where you come from and in a similar situation where I will be 33 at least when I would have my first child. Unfortunately it took fiancé a bit longer to propose and he did insist it had to be him that proposes. He did admit later he regrets some short sightness on his part realising that given our parents being older parents too we are somewhat going this in as a set of older parents and grandparents.

Nothing wrong with that and being the oldest parent is not the biggest tragedy in the world but we both admit health wise it was a lot easier even 4 years ago. Our health is more fragile and he takes longer to recover from sport injuries that have increased over the years etc. Just saying fitness wise we are not going into this at peak fitness. Of course there are benefits. Having lived together for almost 10 years I can say our relationship is very stable and we are mentally, emotionally and financially in better place to have a child then in our mid 20s etc

It is not totally out of choice that we are going to start this late as no one could have possibly predicted the situation we are in and having to put all plans on hold for 12 months but that is life. We decided to have a 2.5 year engagement because we wanted to get married this year etc and do realize we left things very late now but no use getting upset with ourselves now.

Lol at this. You would be one of the youngest at my dds school gate if you did conceive at 33.

You are not old. But don't 'say life got in the way.' or 'resenting your friends' that did have kids earlier. You made a deliberate choice not ttc earlier. Which is fine. But there is no use complaining about that now. You made your choice and now it's time to own up and get on with life. You won't be the oldest mum. People nowadays are the oldest ever to become parents. I had kids in my early to middle 30s. That is the new normal now. (Although the older we get, the more risks being pregnant and delivery brings.) So just cross your fingers hope you conceive quickly and enjoy the whole experience. And stop regretting not doing it earlier. Because you can't turn back time nor the decisions you made in your younger years.

I was the same as you OP, growing up wishing my mum had had me younger, I thought by definition that would make her cooler. When actually it really wouldn't have mattered if she was the youngest mum at the school gates, she is who she is and will never be the cool mum regardless of how old or young she is.

I empathise. I started TTC at 28 but was 34 (husband 42) when I had children. I was sad as we had worked hard to make sure we could retire young and it felt like that had drifted away

Their cousins are all much older too which makes me sad.

In the end though. I was just pleased I had children.