Feeling upset having kids older than planned

[Adaira]

I know I sound like I'm being ridiculous but just need to get it out. I'm 33 next week and I'm devastated we haven't had kids by now. I got with my partner when I was 26 and had always hoped we would have had them by now. Life got in the way and we have only TTC now but my mum had me when she was 34 and I remember how I always wished she was younger and now I'll be probably older than that if I have one and who knows how old if I have a second one.

I sometimes think we didn't start earlier or get married earlier as a lot of our friends all got married at the same time a few years ago and my fiance thought he couldn't propose then. I just can't help feel resentful at him which isn't fair. I've been properly upset over this the last few weeks, like I'm grieving for the life I didn't have. I worry about when I'm 50 or 60, my child will be X years old. Worry about being the oldest at the school gates and that my parents are too old to enjoy them (they are both 67). I get resentful about friends who got married first and are now having kids as I feel my life was put on hold for them. I had an abortion when I was 25 and even though it was the right thing, I feel constant regret over it as I just feel I would have been a mum by now.

Lockdown probably isn't helping either and I know IABU however I just can't seem to get out this mindset.

Don’t fret, OP. Talk to your partner and have an honest conversation about your feelings and your desire to be a mum. I had my first baby at 33 and am due my second imminently - I’m 35. I conceived both on the first time of trying - I realise my good fortune in that respect and you could well have similar luck. I was my mums final baby and she was 36. It’s really ok. I didn’t feel like my mum was an older mum and we’re very close still. I have friends who gave birth in their late 30s and early 40s. All of my NCT class were 30 something mums. I do think some of the posters on here have been hard on you and somewhat unkind - you’re clearly feeling down in the dumps and need picking up. I hope things become clearer for you soon.

Early- mid 30’s seems the average age to have a first dc.

I had my first (planned) at 21. I wouldn’t change him for the world now but I look back and think WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK were you thinking, TTC at age 20. It seems so ridiculous and I truly wish I’d waited 10 years tbh.

And just to add, all the other mums were/are far older than me with ds1.

My youngest dc is 3 and I’m 33. 9/10 of the other mums I know from his playgroup are between 30-35 and all on their first dc.

I'm curious to know why you would have liked a younger mum. My mum was about 31 when she had me and 34 when she had my youngest siblings. So I kind of saw 30s as normal. My dad's mum had him when she was 40 and that was over 70 years ago. I never met my grandfather on my dad's side because he died in his 60s.

I met my DH when I was 21 and he was 19. We never really talked about kids until our late 20s when we got married. I never really wanted them until then. We both decided to wait until our 30s. We found out about DS1 on DH's 30th birthday, and I had him just before I turned 33. I had DS2 the day before I turned 35.

My parents are 71. I'm very aware of them spending time with my kids especially knowing my dad has outlived his own father. But I wouldn't have changed anything. I wasn't ready earlier.

It sounds like lockdown and changing your wedding date has upset you and brought a lot of old feelings up about your termination. If I could offer one piece of advice, don't get too hung up on a big wedding. Simple registry office will do. Now THAT is something I would change. I wouldn't have had the big white wedding.

Utterly ridiculous.

OK, if you have s cities that is fuelling this, then I am sympathetic to those anxieties, but get help because your worries are leading to a ridiculous manufactured stress.

I had one of my kids at 43 and wasn’t the oldest mum in the playground. It is very very common for people to start having kids 35 plus.

I just had my first at 36. I'm not worried even though I thought I'd have them earlier. But after a couple of losses, one that was very complicated and made subsequent pregnancies potentially more complicated, despite being married first, a fair old few years went by and here I am. I'm actually relieved I didn't have them sooner, we weren't in the right place then.
As many posters have said, 33 isn't old. A lot of my friends are 36+ and just starting to think about kids
I think you're naturally projecting your own childhood onto your life now, but times have changed and people are tending to have children later.

If there’s anything motherhood has taught me, it’s that you can’t plan life.

I had ours at 35, 37 and 39.

I can relate to that. Have been with DH since I was 20 and we've just had our first (I'm 33)

Since having her I've realised I wouldn't have been the mummy I am now if I'd had her earlier. Also for me, on a more personal note I was more obsessed with my career before and would have rushed back to work as soon as possible. Now I'm in a position to stay home full time and make the most of my LO.

I hope you get to start you're family really soon. All the best

I had my first at 30 and wish I'd started younger. I have friends who had kids in their early 20s who say they really envy me because I got to have my "fun 20s" and get into a good position financially before having kids.

I think that whatever path you choose, there will always be part of you that thinks "If only I'd done it this way instead."

Try not to dwell on it and enjoy the things that you do have.

I think you’re overreacting OP. How old you feel and act is part of your personality. My mum was 22 when she had me. She was the prettiest and youngest mum when I was at school and wore the most fashionable clothes, but she was so old fashioned in attitude, so it wasn’t always fun being a teenager!

I remember one of my friends having a baby at 27 and another at 31. Honestly, I thought they’d spoilt their chance at freedom and fun that they could have had if childfree. The majority of our friends were mid-30’s having their first DC.

I’m a lot older than you and have a 2 year old. Kids are hard work no matter your age and parenting being joy but a lot of sacrifice. The good thing now is that I don’t want to go clubbing or rush out to meet friends every night. Been there and done that all over the world. We’ve moved up the property ladder and are in our forever house and the time I invested in my career meant I could take a 2 year break for maternity leave and still go back at a senior level with no financial concerns. Try to look at the positives.

Enjoy your youth. 33 is still youthful for most people with a young attitude (I’ve got friends who similar to my mum have acted older than their age since we were at uni).

Look forward to having DC in the future, rather than hankering for a past you can never have back.

OP

CALM YOURSELF

Right-

33 is NO AGE!! For a start.

I had mine at 27 and 31 and I wasn’t anywhere near as financially secure as I am now.

Back then I was a student in rented accommodation, as was by partner. When I was 31 we weren’t studying but he had a low paid job and I was on maternity leave.

Now - 7 years on I own my house (well technically the bank do 🤔😬) but I also own 2 other properties I own outright that I rent out.

I’m not a millionaire but I’m financially far better off now than in my early 30’s.

If you want for everything to perfect then we wouldn’t have kids!

I’m gong to try for my last at 39. Some would say too old some would say not. I don’t care what people think. You shouldn’t either OP

Go for it!! Xxx

If you were in your mid 40s I might understand this post, but 33? That's not old for having a baby. I had my DD at 27 and I was youngest by years in the group of friends I made at a baby group. They were between 32-40. This is a complete non-thing to worry about just get on with TTC and don't worry about tiny stuff like this.

I understand this OP. I'm only 24 so I'm probably being even more ridiculous, but we can't help how we feel and how we imagine our lives are going to be.

I was ttc with my ex when I was 20 and going through fertility treatment as we couldn't conceive. I'm glad I never had a child with him now but I always pictured myself with two kids in my 20s. I think that's because that's how my mum did it and we're super close and I want the same with my children. I know everyone will say I have plenty of time which I know is true, but I still feel sad for the life I always thought I'd have.

I think it's just about accepting that things will happen when the time is right. I don't have any other advice for you OP but wanted to tell you I understand, as I'm quite surprised at the amount of of people saying yabu.

Being an older mum is great, besides 33 is a young mum these days. Besides, having young kids in a pandemic sounds hard work

A very strange way to be contemplating all the issues surrounding having a baby , and making comparisons to others.You need to calm down,and stop being anxious, and stop saying you are grieving for the life you haven't had, that is ridiculous.

I was going to agree with you but then I saw you were 32. Oh honey that's the perfect age to have kids!!! You'll do great!

My first was at 25. Last 2 at 35 and 37. The only thing different for me is that I'm a calmer mother now 🤣🤣.

But seriously. You aren't old. Stop comparing your life to both your friends lives and the life you dreamed about. Embrace the life you have.

I had zero maternal instinct in my 20’s. Started to think about having kids when turned 30.
A few health problems later I had DC1 at 36,DC2 at 38.
I wish I had them earlier but I was nowhere near ready to have them earlier.
I Can’t change the past so I don’t dwell on it as it only winds me up

My dad was in his 50s when we were born....

Every time I see ppl lamenting they wish their parents had been younger I can only desperately wish to have had so easy a life that this is actually a source of regret. May we all be so blessed.

You don't really sound mature enough to be a parent, 34 or not.

I was 28 with my first and I was the youngest in my nct group and most of the mums I've met with children the same age are also older than me. You definitely won't stick out for being older.

You need to calm down, if now is the right time then that's what matters. There's nothing you can do about the age you might have been, just embrace ttc now.

I had my 1st at 33, 2nd at 36, 3rd at 38 & 4th at 41...

I’m average for my first 2 and a bit older than average for my 3rd but not much. Definitely one of the older ones for my 4th but there are a few Mums who had theirs in their mid to late 40s...

There are quite a few Dads who are a decade or more older than me.

Had mine at 33 and was literally the first out of all my friends! In our 20s we'd joke about all our kids growing up as best friends and now I'm "grieving" the fact that mine will be the oldest by a long shot and end up babysitting theirs someday!

At 33 you will not be the oldest Mum at the school gates you’ll only be 37! That’s not old! Stop worrying and enjoy trying for a baby, all this what ifs are ridiculous.

Hah I didn’t even meet my husband until I was 35!!!!! Had mine at 39 and 41 - my oldest starts in September. Will I be the oldest mum at school gate? Couldn’t give a chuffing monkeys