Feeling upset having kids older than planned

[Adaira]

I know I sound like I'm being ridiculous but just need to get it out. I'm 33 next week and I'm devastated we haven't had kids by now. I got with my partner when I was 26 and had always hoped we would have had them by now. Life got in the way and we have only TTC now but my mum had me when she was 34 and I remember how I always wished she was younger and now I'll be probably older than that if I have one and who knows how old if I have a second one.

I sometimes think we didn't start earlier or get married earlier as a lot of our friends all got married at the same time a few years ago and my fiance thought he couldn't propose then. I just can't help feel resentful at him which isn't fair. I've been properly upset over this the last few weeks, like I'm grieving for the life I didn't have. I worry about when I'm 50 or 60, my child will be X years old. Worry about being the oldest at the school gates and that my parents are too old to enjoy them (they are both 67). I get resentful about friends who got married first and are now having kids as I feel my life was put on hold for them. I had an abortion when I was 25 and even though it was the right thing, I feel constant regret over it as I just feel I would have been a mum by now.

Lockdown probably isn't helping either and I know IABU however I just can't seem to get out this mindset.

I had my daughter when i was 40 and i wasn't the only older mother in her reception class, my daughter never mentioned it so guess it was not an issue and anyway i have always kept up with younger friends who seemed to be less able to cope with bad nights than i did.

If you feel there are some unresolved feelings connected to your termination maybe lockdown could be a good time too access some online counseling. It might pave the way for a good emotional experience of motherhood if your TTC is successful which would be a fantastic gift to yourself and your child.

I’m about to be 34 and have been trying and failing miserably to find a partner, having children and a family life is all I ever wanted when I grew up yet here we are. I should be so lucky to be in your position op.

I am wondering what it was about your Mum being 34 when you were born that made you wish she was younger. My Mum was 33 when I was born and 35 when my brother was born and this was when it was less usual. I can't say I ever noticed or thought about it. Early to mid 30s is a fairly average age to have a baby.

YANBU to have a preference for younger parenthood but YABU to be “devastated” that things got delayed. Save words like that for infertility or serious illness or bereavement or bankruptcy.

Anyway, age is partly a matter of attitude.

In the nicest way, please give your head a wobble. Having said that, I have had other friends say they spent their 30th sobbing because they weren't a mum yet, so you're not alone in feeling like this. It'll happen, try not to worry.

I had my first at 36 so was 40 when DC1 started school, and the school mums ranged from early 20s to late 40s.

I wished I was part time by now married with kids at uni & my mortgage should have been paid off. That's what should have happened.

Instead -I'm divorced -got 15 years on mortgage -and it's not paid off. Kids are primary school and secondary. Mums are split 50/50 some the same age or older and some younger. It doesn't matter. Get married before you TTC. My advice.

Bottom line is there’s fuck all you can do about it now!

I was 36 when I had my first after 7 years of TTC. Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans!

YANBU to have feelings
but you need to stop wasting your life and make the most of it! (which is harder than usual in the middle of a pandemic I give you that...)

Kids change everything. Or they should. Kids become your priority. Yes of course you can still have a life, no one expect parents to become martyrs, but once you are a mother, your kids come first, and your life becomes a family life. As it should.

Make the most of being child-free for now! Regardless of what MN tends to think, kids don't stop being your kids once they reach 18, you still support them through their life, emotionally and financially as much as you can.

Be selfish for now. Do what you want, sleep when you want, travel where you want (well.. plan to at least....). Make the most of your youth now, so once you have them, you have achieved pretty much all you wanted and the rest is so much easier.

I have 4, and it's only financial that I haven't got more. I am still working, I am still achieving a lot, but it's not the same, and I wouldn't want it to be the same. I made the most of my youth and the most of my DH pre-kids, and I am so grateful I did. You can never go back to these child-free years, and they make years with your kids so much better.

33 IS really young. I wouldn't wish it on anyone to have kids much earlier than that.

It’s ok to be sad that life hasn’t run to the plan you’d hoped for. Just don’t obsess about it and let those thoughts take over. You’re still young and in a great position to be secure enough that TTC is now an option. Lots of people are still dating and looking for a partner at your age.

Resenting your partner and friends for not getting married earlier is ridiculous.

33 isn't old nowadays to have a baby, I had ds (now 16) at 35, I met mothers in their early 20s to nearly 50 at the primary school gates and no one cared about age.

No point regretting the past and the decisions you took at the time, you can't change it now. Look forward.

I think everyone has irrational thoughts when they’re ttc! Honestly, it’s such a mad time anyway your brain does wild things to you.

If it wasn’t age there would be something else you were worrying about. You could be 25 and still panicking about something.

It’s easy to say and hard to do, but try and chill a bit. Age is just a number (cliche alert!) I’m almost 32 and will be ttc next year. I don’t feel old at all yet. We’ll see what my body says

Good luck!

Many mums at school gates now with reception children are in mid thirties to early forties. You have had a lot more fun than a young mum would have and some good memories, you will now not be resentful of missing out on anything or stony broke.

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

So if you feel too old to have children, don't have them?

This.

I think you are being ridiculous from the point of view that you are only 33 and if you are trying to conceive now you could be a mum by 34 and you could have 3 kids by the time you are 37 if you wanted. Not everyone takes a long time to fall pregnant so no point in assuming you will. Also stress won’t help when ttc so don’t add stress that is pointless.
Just relax and enjoy ttc. Hope you find yourself pregnant and more content soon.

Yes you are being ridiculous. I was 34 when I had my first and 38 when I had my third. Plenty of other mums at the school gates were a similar age.

My parents were in their sixties and were very active involved grandparents who saw our boys all grow up.

💐

I had my children between the ages of 30 and 38. I don't understand why you think that's so terrible: most of the other mums of babies I encountered at the time were a similar age, and neither their children nor mine have even given any indication of wishing we were young. I think I was a better mother for being older, because I was secure in terms of career development and I had developed more patience and insight.

I'm 60+ and my mother had me when she was 40

That was 60 years ago (obviously)

You've plenty of time. Relax

The average age for a woman to have a first child in the UK is 30, so you are only a bit older than that. Perfectly normal. Nothing to be stressed about.

Everyone in my family and social circle has their first child over 30. That’s very normal OP. In your mum’s day it may have been old-ish (was it?) but not now. I had my first at 32 and often feel I’m one of the younger mums at the school gate to be honest. Over 40 and I’d see your point, but 33? That’s ridiculous.

Oh no - I'm 45, ds is 4 and starts reception this September. Do I need to start thinking of witty retorts to field any 'granny at the gate' comments now!?!

With respect OP, get a grip.

I started ttc at 29 and didn’t have my baby until I was 39. I know how you feel because I have and had and probably will always have the same feelings of inadequacy.

I think all you can, all you can ever do, is just get on with things while focusing on your health and fitness. You also need to remember that our thirties / forties aren’t really the same as they were for our parents - we have better health, nutrition, activity options and will probably live longer as a result. Remember the most common age of death for women in the UK right now is 86. By the time we’re 60 and with all the targetted Cancer treatments being launched it could well be 96-100.

Stop wasting your beautiful life on these thoughts, it will literally get you NOWHERE.

Life doesn’t follow a perfect textbook pattern. Be grateful for what you do have!