Feeling upset having kids older than planned

[Adaira]

I know I sound like I'm being ridiculous but just need to get it out. I'm 33 next week and I'm devastated we haven't had kids by now. I got with my partner when I was 26 and had always hoped we would have had them by now. Life got in the way and we have only TTC now but my mum had me when she was 34 and I remember how I always wished she was younger and now I'll be probably older than that if I have one and who knows how old if I have a second one.

I sometimes think we didn't start earlier or get married earlier as a lot of our friends all got married at the same time a few years ago and my fiance thought he couldn't propose then. I just can't help feel resentful at him which isn't fair. I've been properly upset over this the last few weeks, like I'm grieving for the life I didn't have. I worry about when I'm 50 or 60, my child will be X years old. Worry about being the oldest at the school gates and that my parents are too old to enjoy them (they are both 67). I get resentful about friends who got married first and are now having kids as I feel my life was put on hold for them. I had an abortion when I was 25 and even though it was the right thing, I feel constant regret over it as I just feel I would have been a mum by now.

Lockdown probably isn't helping either and I know IABU however I just can't seem to get out this mindset.

You’ve got plenty of time but you need to own your choices too, you’re putting a lot of blame on your partner when you were there too.

^this I agree with @AnneLovesGilbert

Me and my husband decided when we would buy a house that it was probably the best time to get engaged and get married in the next year. He did propose to me but we had discussed it and had been to look at rings prior.

The way I look at it.. things do go as planned and you need to look forward. We have been together since we were 14 and didn't become parents until we were 30 due infertility. Sure we would have wanted children when we were mid 20s but s**t happens and we're extremely lucky we have each other and our little one now xx

I’m 47 years old I have three kids feel free to borrow them anytime you’ll change your time within a day!

Do people really think like this then actually write it down or say it out loud without thinking about how it might come across? Like it’ll help the person who desperately wants their own children?

I had kids in my 20s, literally the only one at the school gates! Most mums at our school are 35ish when they have their first. It totally varies now!

I was 2 months away from turning 34 when I had ds.Im an average age mother where I live.

That was meant to be things don't go as planned

I had mine at 37, same age as my mum when she had me. I always had “issues” with older parents and never wanted to have mine so late - little choice in that though.
What I did realise though is that age is a number and at my age my mum was waaaaaaaay older than I am. I probably am older than all my dtds mums, but I’m also consider to be the most laid back - “old age” does have its advantages! Try not to worry, stuff works out.

My parents were very young when they had kids and I always wished I had older parents, you always want what you can't have.

Yes, you really are being ridiculous OP. I got married at 26 and planned to have my first by 30. It didn't work out like that due to fertility problems and MC. I was 35 when I had my first and 37 for my second. They're now 19 and 21 and I'm 56. I wasn't the oldest at the school gates and I don't feel like an old mum. As long as you're young at heart all will be fine.

I had mine at 29 and 31. I sometimes wish I'd had mine at 24 so that my whole family were younger, even though my parents are only 61 and 65. I definitely have anxiety though and am prone to overthinking to a ridiculous degree.

You cant change the past, it's a waste of time to be worrying about it.

Having my kids has just been the best time for all my family, I wish I hadn't spent time worrying about my age!

I'm one of the younger mums in my area, most are mid thirties.

You're not old. 33 is no age!

Don’t worry op. You won’t be the oldest mum. I was 34 & 38 when I had them about 15/20 years ago & even then I was fairly average age. There were 2/3 mums in their 20’s & that’s it. Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned.

I am 53 with an 11 yo DS. I probably am the oldest mum at the school gate. I could not care less. Your choice how to feel. No one else’s.

When you have expectations for your life and they don't happen you should use that jarring feeling to trigger you to make the changes you want but not to rail against the past which is understandable in a way but totally not constructive. Channel it don't wallow in it, the last thing you want is to be reflecting in the future that your early thirties were all about regret... This time should be made to count our your mid 40's self will be berating your mid thirties self... Which given how unpleasant you are finding being 30's and doing lots of berating of dh etc you don't really want.
Isolation can cause navel gazing, maybe that's what lockdown is bringing out here, but recognise it and put all that energy into your relationship so when your child is born it is into a loving partnership of two people who've got each others back and know why they love each other.
Good luck.
P.s I got together with my dh, TTC from 33 became mum at 34 and 36 and it's all good. I don't feel old and do more with my kids than my mum ever did who was a decade younger than me going into motherhood, but was old (in her manner) by the time she was 40. I'm not ready to be like that by any stretch. You have everything to play for so face forward and embrace your future

Got together with my dh at 26 also that should say

YANBU I always wanted to be a young mum.
But don't worry it doesn't really matter and you're going to be a great mum, whatever age. Still a nice age IMO.

Age doesn't matter, it is the way you treat your children and the time you give them that matters. I have several children and I had my first LO 10 years ago at 30 and my lastest LO recently, however due to a healthy diet and regular excercise I am far fitter and healthier than I was ten years ago and find I motherhood easier and not exhausting like in the past as I have more energy. Take care of your body and mind and good luck with TTC. And stop dwelling on age, as youth doesn't equal a better mum.

I had one at 25 and one at 35.... A lot of my friends had their first between 32 and 37...

I don't feel old or out of place having my baby now.

Life works out how it works out...

Resenting your DH is only going to cause problems.

I had mine at 35 and 38. There are plenty of mums older than me at the school gate, plenty! 33 isn't old. It's pretty average these days.

I had mine when I was between 31 and 38. Even with my youngest, I was by no way the oldest mum at the school gate. Apart from anything, I have come across quite a few parents over the years who had a final child some years after their other children, so even if they started off as young parents, they weren't young by the time their last child came along.

Also, and this is rather sad I think, every single friend of mine who married in their early or mid 20s, is now divorced.

You've got loads of time on your hands. You won't be at all unusual to have uni age kids in your 50s, and your parents won't thank you for writing them off in their 60s.

the sad thing is not that you're not a mother yet but that you aren't enjoying the freedom you have NOW while you worry about not having freedom in your 50s.

My kids are teens and I'm 50 so I am beginning to feel like I have some freedom back. It's all relative. I enjoy it.

There will always be lots of other people in the same boat.

Crikey, I had mine at 35 & 39 (DH was 39 & 43)..... loads of parents at school etc are a similar age to us. We’re really not particularly old compared to our DCs peers.

My parents were 33 & 35 when I was born and I don’t think they seemed noticeably older then my friends parents as I was growing up.

I think you’re worrying too much about it, you’re hardly aged.

I hardly know anyone who had children before 30. I had mine at 36 and 38 and most of our friends were about the same age. Anyone having children under 30 always seems surprising to me.

You really aren't any significant age and won't be the oldest mum at the school gates.

I think I read that the average age for first time mums across the country is 30.7 years, but in some areas it’s much much higher.

Anecdotal of course but I’m 33 (34 in a few weeks). I had my DS shortly after my 33rd birthday. In my antenatal group and circle of ‘mum friends’ I’m about average I think, slightly on the younger side. Out of 15 mums I can only think of 2 who are under 30, and they are 29 (one is 30 next week). 3 of them are 40 this year. 3 of them were born the same year as me, so are 33/34.

I really don’t think you will be the oldest at the school gates and I think this is more about your feelings about your mum. Why did you wish she was younger? Is it because you wished she was ‘cooler’ and more in touch with you? Because those things aren’t actually age related.

Also, and this is rather sad I think, every single friend of mine who married in their early or mid 20s, is now divorced.

Anecdotal, but this is also my experience in my friendship group. Very messy divorces with major personal crises involved too.

As pps have said 33 isn’t old, nor are your parents at 67 btw, that’s retirement age!

Besides that though it seems you’ve been a bit passive about something that’s really important to you. You put waiting down to your partner delaying a proposal and friends getting married and I just don’t understand why. I mean obviously your partner needed to be agreeable to ttc but surely delaying until you were married and delaying marriage involved some kind of conversation? And do you really think many people delay starting their own families because of what friends might be doing?

I think you need to be clear in your own mind what you want your life to be, communicate with dh to ensure you’re both on the same page and then actively work towards your goals whether it’s having dc or anything else.

I met my DH when I was 16, got married at 23 and then had my DS when I was nearly 39. I don't know if I was the oldest mum in the playground but I know for sure I was still a fun mum and had plenty of friends in the school playground. I can honestly say it doesn't seem to have bothered my DS. He's 20 now and has turned out pretty darn good.