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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

699 replies

Lewem · 27/06/2020 18:57

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 27/06/2020 22:57

No he's not been married but been in a long term relationship that didn't work out. He also has a teenage child from that relationship... he even goes out to golf when she comes to stay :(

Golly he's the gift that keeps on giving isn't he....

What a shit.

I sense from your posts OP that you see your age as a disadvantage in this situation.

I think you need to turn that perception around.

Many women stay in poor relationships because they hope with time things will get better. They rarely do - yes you might get a short period of good behaviour but things revert back because ultimately your dealing with a person who will always put their wants/needs above everyone and everything else.

The fact you don't have the luxury of time if you want a child is good reason to be decisive.

There's every reason to walk away and none to stay and also every reason to do that sooner rather than later.

Get your ducks in a row: see a solicitor, give notice on house, look for somewhere else to live and start investigating sperm donation.

Do not have a baby with this man.

He doesn't want a wife; he wants a maid that cooks, shags and walks the dog.

You'll simply be left alone doing the same but with a baby to look after as well.

Imfinallyhappy1 · 27/06/2020 22:58

Ohhh yes. I knew this was golf or cycling. My husbands was cricket and golf from when we met up until our ds was 6 months, everyday and all weekend. In the end I had had enough as said it’s us or the sport and he realised how selfish he had been.

I’m sorry you’re going through this op. X

justasking111 · 27/06/2020 23:01

OH had a hobby, he grew up sailing so loved being on the water. I joined in we even took the children with us for weekends away. Fast forward a lifetime he goes out on his own most of the time, fishing or just for the fun of it. The difference is we did it together I encouraged him to buy a bigger boat when the children came alongIt is not just about the golf but the camaraderie/clubhouse most sports are the same it is a social thing. You can take up golf yourself, just try it, you have nothing to lose, you may in fact turn out to be a better player than him. That has happened with friends of ours who are golfers, there is usually a good social side too if you are feeling lonely.

If you do not love him though I would call it a day and ask for a divorce.

PersonaNonGarter · 27/06/2020 23:03

He is running away from you. He’s telling you what he wants.

Georgielovespie · 27/06/2020 23:05

Good Lord Lewem this just got worse with the leaving his teenage daughter. Sad

I think my friend of a friend who did the sperm bank thing knew she was going into this by herself and had been living alone for several years so was used to being solely responsible for everything in the house. If you have a well paid job then you have the option to throw some at getting help if you need it.

Babies can be both easy and hard, there are times when it can be incredibly straight forward, and times, not so much. It is a shame you can't move your job.

My Aunt and Uncle are very wealthy and paid for a maternity nurse who was with them for 6 weeks post birth!

crosseyedMary · 27/06/2020 23:06

He's asked me to take up golf but I really don't have any interest in it. I went with him once and he didn't have the patience to teach me
of course not, he's 'the talent' he shouldnt have to waste his valuable golfing expertise on the likes of you.
He is the star, you are just (unpaid) staff

DorisLessingsCat · 27/06/2020 23:08

Just cut your losses OP. There's no point in pursuing this relationship anymore.

onlinelinda · 27/06/2020 23:09

I would definitely leave him.

FoggyNelson · 27/06/2020 23:13

Just divorce him now before you waste any more of your life to his addiction. And please do not ruin your future children's lives by giving them a father who won't be there for them.

backseatcookers · 27/06/2020 23:14

He also has a teenage child from that relationship... he even goes out to golf when she comes to stay :(

Oh. My. God.

Please leave this insufferable cunt!!!

raspran · 27/06/2020 23:22

It's always golf or cycling.

justasking111 · 27/06/2020 23:22

Your OH is the last person to teach you golf, the pro at the club is the one to do that.

What I did at a bad stage in my marriage was to write it all down as you have done here. Leave the letter for him to find, do not be there when he reads it. I actually buggered off for three days with the kids to a friends in Yorkshire he came home to an empty house. That pulled him up short and we sorted things out.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/06/2020 23:28

I'm so sorry OP. TO be at this state in the first year of marriage - he has no intentions of being a husband.

Cut your losses. Don't listen to him saying he'll change as he clearly won't. Sad

ilikemethewayiam · 27/06/2020 23:30

@randomer

I don't get it. Poking a ball into a hole with a stick.
🤣🤣🤣, that was my opinion until I was persuaded to try it by my DH. I had no interest but thought i’d at least give it a go. I got hooked from the minute I hit my first ball. I now live next to a golf course, play 3 times a week and have a decent handicap! DH and I play together, have great friends at our club. I never imagined this would be my life now but it’s funny how life turns out sometimes.

In your case OP, I don’t see your marriage working. This is not the life you signed up for. You have been dropped in favour of golf. As PP’s have said. Once children are in the mix he will not change. You will effectively be a single parent.. I think talking to him will be a waste of time. He might curb it but with all the best intentions he will gradually go back to it. He’s already proved he’s addicted to it by lying to you. That’s not a Good sign. He’s already gone back on past agreements. There really is no future for you in this marriage. I would cut your losses OP, as painful as that will be. In the long run you will be happier.

saraclara · 27/06/2020 23:34

Woah. He goes and plays golf for hours when his child comes to stay?

There is absolutely zero chance of him ever being a present husband, never mind father.

Throughabushbackwards · 27/06/2020 23:38

My DH plays golf one day a week, either on Saturday or Sunday and occasionally he'll go to the driving range of an evening (about once a fortnight) IF everything's done at home.

This seems reasonable and normal to me, your DH is taking the piss.

timeisnotaline · 27/06/2020 23:44

Stop doing the housework for him. Full stop. His clothes dishes Towels random crap etc can get piled on his side of the bedroom. What would happen to the dog if you left earlier than him in the morning? Would he just leave it? Next time his child is coming, be out before they arrive. Stay out. Do t let him gaslight your about it, have a few statements to make -‘they are your clothes, we don’t have a housekeeper’.’she is your child.’
All this is of course while making plans to leave.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 28/06/2020 00:01

Oh god it gets worse...he leaves you with his teenage DC. Says alot about his priorities

amusedbush · 28/06/2020 00:04

Oh god, he sounds absolutely awful. This isn’t a marriage, it’s a prison sentence.

Please leave him. It’s not going to get any better and you’ll be much better off with a clean break, pursuing your plans by yourself.

morriseysquif · 28/06/2020 00:04

@timeisnotaline

Stop doing the housework for him. Full stop. His clothes dishes Towels random crap etc can get piled on his side of the bedroom. What would happen to the dog if you left earlier than him in the morning? Would he just leave it? Next time his child is coming, be out before they arrive. Stay out. Do t let him gaslight your about it, have a few statements to make -‘they are your clothes, we don’t have a housekeeper’.’she is your child.’ All this is of course while making plans to leave.
Do this, just step back, start being in the driving seat of your own life now.

It won't get better, you are married only a year, he didn't want a wife, he wanted a mother/ housekeeper. He has a child so he won't be too arsed about becoming a father when he isn't doing any fathering now. That is enough for you to see him for who he is.

Take some power back, you will feel so much better as soon as you do.

Justaboy · 28/06/2020 00:15

This is very simple. He's ADDICTED and it could have been booze, gambling, drugs it's just Golf.

Well not just Golf really, the results are the same, neglect and misery for you. And they'll be sod all you can do about it. Some say join him well thats much the same as getting pissed or shooting up and can't or won't get off them and it ain't going the happedn with the present addiction.

I'm no Psycharirist but a bet one might ferrett out the reason/s he's doing this but as all as maybe its not making you feel happy.

The only "hobby" i have is work at close on 70 now the idea of retiring is well not on, too much fun for a start! BUT If i had a lady in my life who well, just liked classical music that'd do fine:) I'd sure find time for her, that I would!

As someone else hopefully will do for yo,u and in my opinion the sooner you get one with that the better.

I mean what can be worse than a Golf widow?.

Thornhill58 · 28/06/2020 00:37

My mother in law was a golf widow for decades until my father in law had back surgery and couldn't play anymore.
Will be tough to get him back.

backseatcookers · 28/06/2020 00:50

Let's look at the three possibilities I see here:

1. Hes addicted to his hobby
Being in a relationship with an addict is unhealthy, it erodes your confidence as you become an enabler and perpetuates their addiction as it is enabled.

Best action - split up

2. He dislikes spending time with you
Meaning it's an excuse he uses to avoid time with you, just happens to be one he enjoys. He would just rather do something else than be with you.

Best action - split up

3. He simply doesn't give a shit about your feelings enough to care it upsets you
Meaning he is utterly selfish, heartless unempathetic and also dishonest and disloyal going back on an already generous agreement. And his vows. Love / cherish? Nah.

Best action - leave

All different motivations from him end with the same best course of action for you.

His motivation and thought press DONT need to be your priority. That still centres your decision making around him and his feelings.

Your feelings about his actions matter. How the outcome for you would change based on his actions would matter.

Whatever is going on, option 1, 2 or 3, the truth is that your best course of action is to LEAVE.

You can do this Thanks

MsMeNz · 28/06/2020 00:50

His way of coping with anxiety or depression as he's getting major dopermine hits from it. But yeah I think he's made it clear where his promotes lie especially after counciling and going back on his word.some ppl maybe been married 40 years would be glad if the break from each other if retired but certainly abnormal for younger newly weds. Good luck and let us know how you go addressing this!

KeepingPlain · 28/06/2020 00:54

I'd be saying to him if he needs to spend 40+ hours a week playing golf to practice to be on an amateur team, he's clearly shit. Even professionals don't practice that much.

Tell him to give up on said dream, or leave him. I'd just leave, he's a loser, in more ways than one.