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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

699 replies

Lewem · 27/06/2020 18:57

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

OP posts:
HavingAMoan · 27/06/2020 22:04

I bet if you spoke to the wives and gfs they’d tell you a different story. And really who gives a fuck what other people do? It’s irrelevant.

eleventy3isthemagicnumber · 27/06/2020 22:06

I have actually been considering this. I'm 39 now so it might be my only chance sad

I know two women who had sperm donation at 40. One of them dumped her DP to do it as he didn't want kids and she did. The other had just never met the right guy.

Both are great mums and seem really happy. I can imagine it might have been tough at times, but they got a lot of support from friends and family, especially as they knew they were going it alone.

ScrapThatThen · 27/06/2020 22:06

You do seem to want completely different things. I can imagine that being on a county team feels like a huge achievement for him and gives him a sort of buzz of self esteem. But imagine sitting at home making his tea when he’s still selfish at 50, 60, 70. Don’t do it, he’s deadweight. I wouldn’t give up your job too easily. I’d be tempted to give him an ultimatum ‘put me before golf or get out’ and then when he inevitably goes to golf, try to get someone who can back you up for a showdown and tell him to pack his bags,

LudaMusser · 27/06/2020 22:06

What's the deal with people making posts but not giving enough info. Countless times I've seen people start a thread and give minimum info but then expect people to offer advice

It's like they get off on people having to ask for more info

thewisp · 27/06/2020 22:09

I felt really sad for you reading this. The first years of marriage should be the more carefree ones. Kids / careers / houses etc etc all take their toll but you can work through it because you've got that happy foundation to work on.

If you're feeling this unhappy already (and yes, I think he sounds like a selfish prick) and having to have counselling, I would definitely not want to remain married to that person for the rest of your lives.

wildone84 · 27/06/2020 22:10

In your shoes, I would end it, move back to where you have family/friends and find a sperm donor. He's not willing to invest time and energy in your relationship, it is already over. I agree with what someone else mentioned upthread - he wants a free maid and dog sitter. It's clear he doesn't care about you. You can find someone who actually wants to spend time with you.

MoaningMinniee · 27/06/2020 22:13

@Lewem

Another issue we have is that when he's constantly out playing golf, I need to be at home for the dog... when we got her we BOTH agreed we'd not leave her home alone for hours on end. So when Im not at work and he's at golf, I feel like I can't go too far..obviously i take her out on long walks but its always alone... I feel as though I'm not even married a lot of the time.
Right this one has just blown your DH for me. If he CBA to make time to help with the dog you chose together he will be unlikely to make time for any children you may have together. Yy I know human children aren't the same thing as companion animals ... but there's a strong correlation.
flummingbird · 27/06/2020 22:14

I know how scary it is, and how easy it seems to just put up with it, but honestly please don't. I was married to a cricketer and that was bad enough. It just erodes your confidence, thinking how crap you must be if they don't want to be there. You sound so capable, really think about either doing it alone or looking for someone else. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/06/2020 22:22

Mine goes out most days doing his bird photography and I love it ! Means I get the house to myself and I know he is enjoying himself plus he takes amazing pictures. But then again we are retired so we don't have kids etc to worry about.

My DH has a hobby, although he can't do it whenever he wants as it's 'wind & weather dependent'. He's had it since he was 19 so obviously has had it for our entire marriage. He was pretty much out at least one weekend day a week from early Spring to early Autumn, even when the DC were little. I'm like you sassafrass in that it never really bothered me. BUT I am a HUGE homebody living near my friends and family and I loved nothing better than the DC and I having the house to ourselves, puttering around or going to my BFF's (her DH had the same hobby) or my parents and just 'being'. DH missed out on a lot of really good times.

That being said, he never missed 'occasions' to pursue his hobby and if I wanted him to do something else of a weekend, he had no problem.

But that doesn't work for everyone and if OP doesn't want to spend the majority of her time alone or tied down with the dog, then that is absolutely her decision.

RobinMansions · 27/06/2020 22:28

Oh come on

Desertislanddreamer · 27/06/2020 22:28

I think you already know in your heart of hearts what you need to do.
We only have one life, this isn’t a practice run. Don’t waste years of your life hoping he will change.

LannieDuck · 27/06/2020 22:29

I think it would kill any feelings I had for him. Not only does he not want to spend time with you, doesn't seem care about upsetting you, and feels he can break any agreements he makes with you... but he's also ok dumping most of his chores on you! Nope, I would be out of there.

LittleBearPad · 27/06/2020 22:30

If you are seriously considering leaving him then tell him. If he tries to suggest you’re being manipulative then put him straight. It is this serious.

Wauden · 27/06/2020 22:31

He'll be too selfish and too lazy to find somewhere else. The thing is, I found the house, I've put all the had work into decorating it and making it nice, he' paid his half for most of the things but its all been my effort in making it a home.

It's not just the golf obsession, he's very lazy too.
I really dislike that he played a mental health card regarding his golf.

So sorry, OP.

endofthelinefinally · 27/06/2020 22:32

My friend is a single parent of 3 dc. She found an au pair much more useful than her ex husband.

Ellie56 · 27/06/2020 22:32

From your post upthread your marriage was dead in the water after two months. Don't waste any more time on him. He should have married a golf club not you.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/06/2020 22:32

Unfortunately I'm 39... We met each other quite later in life, he's early 40's. Im really worried I'll not get chance to have children with someone else now sad which is devastating, but I fully agree with not having children with my husband. My parents divorced when I was young and I definitely don't want to put children through that. I'm just devastated its ended up like this

If you want children I would think very hard about moving this forward as fast as you possibly can. To be blunt, using a sperm donor is cutting your odds of a successful pregnancy MUCH further than the old-fashioned way, so the sooner the better and it will take time anyway. There is a school of thought that would say, if having a baby is very important to you, try and have a baby with him right now, asap, and then if things don't improve you leave. Maybe you leave anyway. Either way, it isn't the same thing for a child as going through a divorce, if you've only ever known your parents apart, and for everyone who says a sperm donor is easier than a reluctant or bad co-parent - they're right, but at 39 you might end up not getting the choice at all if you embark on sperm donor IVF.

HannaYeah · 27/06/2020 22:39

I’m so sorry @Lewem. I know what it’s like to be left like that for hours on end. It’s horrid and hurtful and feels like you are being abandoned and controlled at the same time.

I moved to be near a long-term BF years ago and when I first got there and was still hunting for an apartment he started leaving me and going out ever night. I never felt so alone.

One night I’d had enough so I just booked a hotel and left and refused to answer my phone. I got a great night sleep that night; finally had taken back some control of my life.

Your H is behaving and talking like a child addicted to a game. If you don’t feel any hope of him changing I think you should take back your control and move your life forward without him. He doesn’t sound like he’s giving you any reason to believe he cares about your happiness.

Has he been married before?

Original poster
Lewem · 27/06/2020 22:40

@FizzyGreenWater

Unfortunately I'm 39... We met each other quite later in life, he's early 40's. Im really worried I'll not get chance to have children with someone else now sad which is devastating, but I fully agree with not having children with my husband. My parents divorced when I was young and I definitely don't want to put children through that. I'm just devastated its ended up like this

If you want children I would think very hard about moving this forward as fast as you possibly can. To be blunt, using a sperm donor is cutting your odds of a successful pregnancy MUCH further than the old-fashioned way, so the sooner the better and it will take time anyway. There is a school of thought that would say, if having a baby is very important to you, try and have a baby with him right now, asap, and then if things don't improve you leave. Maybe you leave anyway. Either way, it isn't the same thing for a child as going through a divorce, if you've only ever known your parents apart, and for everyone who says a sperm donor is easier than a reluctant or bad co-parent - they're right, but at 39 you might end up not getting the choice at all if you embark on sperm donor IVF.

Do you mean it's harder to get pregnant with a donor? I don't really know much about it ...
OP posts:
Original poster
Lewem · 27/06/2020 22:45

@HannaYeah

I’m so sorry *@Lewem*. I know what it’s like to be left like that for hours on end. It’s horrid and hurtful and feels like you are being abandoned and controlled at the same time.

I moved to be near a long-term BF years ago and when I first got there and was still hunting for an apartment he started leaving me and going out ever night. I never felt so alone.

One night I’d had enough so I just booked a hotel and left and refused to answer my phone. I got a great night sleep that night; finally had taken back some control of my life.

Your H is behaving and talking like a child addicted to a game. If you don’t feel any hope of him changing I think you should take back your control and move your life forward without him. He doesn’t sound like he’s giving you any reason to believe he cares about your happiness.

Has he been married before?

That is so true. It does feel like I'm being controlled..strangely he keeps saying I'm trying to control him :(

No he's not been married but been in a long term relationship that didn't work out. He also has a teenage child from that relationship... he even goes out to golf when she comes to stay :(

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 27/06/2020 22:47

Did you move there to be with him, OP?

Bestbe · 27/06/2020 22:49

Take some time off and go somewhere for a while. See if he notices, calls you. I think the relationship seems pointless. If you aren’t there waiting for him, don’t buy any food, wash his clothes etc then this may shock him into seeing what is important.
I had 3 children with someone whose hobby took him away for weeks and weekends.
The lowest point was when he went away for 10 days when they were all under 4 and the little two got ill. I was completely broken by the time he returned.
As they got older we sort of had our own life and one day he realised he wasn’t part of it. Then everything changed. He’s a great dad now and I’m happy. But I don’t think our relationship has fully recovered. The children don’t remember but I do.

Ellie56 · 27/06/2020 22:55

The more you post about your so called husband the worse he sounds.He buggers off to play golf when his only child comes to stay? Shock That tells you all you need to know about what kind of father he would be to any child you had.

Rainbowqueeen · 27/06/2020 22:56

The is is not a marriage. Your H has no intention of changing.
If you want to be happy you need to change. Leave him. You’ve made one house nice, you can do another one.
This is your life too. You deserve happiness. Go out and get it. Please don’t waste any more time on someone who has made it clear they care nothing for you.

Think about it. If he was interested in you and your marriage none of this would have happened in the first place

Rainbowqueeen · 27/06/2020 22:57

PS he would be a crap father anyway. Don’t inflict that on innocent children

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