Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

[Lewem]

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

I don’t see how giving him an ultimatum would work seeing as the OP has already tried to get him to change which he did temporarily before slipping back. It will only be the same story again.

Sperm donor -do it alone please. A child does not need one decent parent and a cockwomble -one decent parent is FAR better.

@Georgielovespie

I think this is so much worse considering his age, he won't change.

I would sit down and tell him this isn't working and that you need to decide what is happening to all the things you bought for the house, who gets what. Tell him he will need a solicitor for when you hand him divorce papers. Show him the reality of where this is heading.

A friend of a friend used a sperm bank to have a baby at 41. She had been married and divorced and never found anyone else. She said it was easier than having to think about co-parenting and only having her child potentially 50% of the time.

Is there a chance you can move back to be nearer your family and friends?

Did she find it difficult? I never imagined going through a pregnancy and having a baby alone, it does seem scary. But I'd rather that than stay in my current situation. I feel like I'm just wasting my time and would hate to put any potential child through a nasty divorce, which is sadly where it feels like this is heading.

The only issue with moving nearer to my family and friends is that my job is here :( Its very well paid and I love it. But would be very hard being pregnant and alone

I'd be tempted to get sorted with a sperm donor ASAP and ditch the H when the tenancy is up.

Huge hugs to you, you deserve happiness and joy. My DH has hobbies etc but is always happy to spend time with me and compromises when we want conflicting things. Far from perfect but does his share without complaint and without being asked like an adult.

Let your landlord know now that you will not be renewing, you’d be a single parent even if you had kids with this bloke. He won’t suddenly give this up when you have a baby.

If you want to stay in the area, start scouting out housing options. Could you get a lovely job near family and friends? I’d want a proper clean break, different area etc.

Agree OP - the problem isn't golf, it's your husband's attitude towards you and your marriage. He won't change.

Cut your losses. Put yourself first.

@RandomMess

I'd be tempted to get sorted with a sperm donor ASAP and ditch the H when the tenancy is up.

Huge hugs to you, you deserve happiness and joy. My DH has hobbies etc but is always happy to spend time with me and compromises when we want conflicting things. Far from perfect but does his share without complaint and without being asked like an adult.

Thank you :)

You sound a strong, capable and loving woman.

It sounds like you are ready to move towards parenthood. Secure financially, nice home, good job. Don't let him change that, or not wanting to move from a house you like.

He can mess about a few more years you probably can't. Nor should you.

I can't see that you're getting anything from this marriage at all. Not only does he put golf before you, he's not to be trusted. He said he'd cut down, he hasn't. And he sulks if you remind him of his promise. So who knows what he'll promise you in the future and not follow through on.

The relationship is over. And yes, in your situation I'd consider a sperm donor.

Honestly, you need to end this farce of a marriage. You don't own the house, you have no DC together. All you have to do is pack your ditty-bag and hit the highway. Sure, it would be nice if he did since you love the house, but in the end the house you rent is simply 'bricks and sticks'. You'll find another that you will make entirely your own with nary a fecking golf club nor a golf magazine in sight. How lovely it will be!

If you want a child, have one if you can afford it. There are many roads to motherhood and not all of them involve marriage or even a man.

Life is too short to waste being unhappy and unfulfilled.

Yanbu. I have addictive tendencies that drive my DH mad and he's quite right to pull me up on it when I become obsessed with something, to the detriment of our relationship and my responsibilities.

Your DH sounds like he is stressed and using his hobby as a way out of something. Could it be work or money or something similar? He is defensive precisely because he knows you're right. Don't let him get away with it, but also try to be empathetic and help him find out what the root cause of his poor impulse control could be.

Good luck OP!

Best to say something now if you have 3 months left on the tenancy I think. Maybe give him a bit of time to change his ways and give him a deadline for end of tenancy (or whenever you have to confirm to landlord if you're staying)

My NCT friend has just had a baby by herself at 39, with a sperm donor. She's the same age as half the group who have had babies with husband's or boyfriends so your age isn't unusual in my opinion. Depends where you live though, we are in a big southern UK city.

She does find it tough as she doesn't get to have a break ever, but lockdown has exacerbated that as she can't have anyone visit her. Overall she's madly in love with her baby, she has a fab little flat, support of her friends and family, and she's tired but happy!

You'd end up being a single parent anyway if you have a child with him; he won't be there for you or the child, just like he isn't there now.

Tell him to get the hell out and go sleep on a friend's couch with his golf bag that he loves more than you.

Could you ask the landlord for a new tenancy in your name only then tell him to GTFO?

What a shit he is.

Honestly OP - being alone would be better than being with him. He sounds so unbelievably selfish. Imagine your husband telling you several times how unhappy he was after A YEAR of marriage and you not caring enough to work it out?

It wouldn’t happen, would it?

Are you working from home? Could you pack some stuff and go to family for a few nights to get some space? Get some head space and planning time?

Just beware he’ll possibly start with how he’ll change. Don’t believe it.

I have a feeling he won't want to leave. He'll be too selfish and too lazy to find somewhere else. The thing is, I found the house, I've put all the had work into decorating it and making it nice, he' paid his half for most of the things but its all been my effort in making it a home.

Please don't let that hold you back. Read this about the sunk cost fallacy www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-makes-you-act-stupid.html. (Sorry about the title of the article, I'm not suggesting you're stupid. It's just a nice, clear article.) It really isn't worth keeping him in your life for the sake of a nice house. You can have another nice house, but you only get one life.

@Merryoldgoat

What a shit he is.

Honestly OP - being alone would be better than being with him. He sounds so unbelievably selfish. Imagine your husband telling you several times how unhappy he was after A YEAR of marriage and you not caring enough to work it out?

It wouldn’t happen, would it?

Are you working from home? Could you pack some stuff and go to family for a few nights to get some space? Get some head space and planning time?

Just beware he’ll possibly start with how he’ll change. Don’t believe it.

I say this to him all the time. I tell him there is no way I could live with myself knowing I was making someone else so unhappy. He just says it's not his fault I feel like that.

There were times last year after two months of marriage where he went away for a week here and there on golf trips, we were living in a small flat and I suddenly realized I had never felt more lonely. I used to ring him in tears and all he'd do was get annoyed and tell me the other woes and girlfriends didn't mind. I nearly ended it then but he swore he'd cut down..and he did because it was winter, and then COVID, so everything has been blissful, until the golf courses opened again and then back to his old ways :(

Mine goes out most days doing his bird photography and I love it ! Means I get the house to myself and I know he is enjoying himself plus he takes amazing pictures. But then again we are retired so we don't have kids etc to worry about.

He sounds like a teenager. You ask him to cut down or to not stand you up for golf and he throws a strop and says you're stopping him playing at all. Does he say "Everybody else's parents wife lets them" the way my pre-teen does?

Honestly, go and find your own happiness, you won't find it with him. If you have a baby by yourself you'll only have one child to look after, if you have one with him you'll have a baby AND a selfish teenager.

Best cross post ever, he DID tell you everyone else's wife lets them.

I was going to say YABU until I read the text.

How does he have time to play golf more than 3 days a week?

I would say 2 days, and even then only for golf tournaments etc. Plus some time at home to watch golf, or lead about golf.

Miserable. I think you should keep the house. He should leave. He's hardly there anyway and you did all the work to it.

So during lock down when he couldn't play, how was the relationship? Was he engaged in joint life?

@Runbitchrun

I voted YABU because I’m fed up of reading about a ‘hobby’. No one cares what it is, it isn’t outing, and you reveal it several posts down the line anyway. So just fucking say it in the original post. For that reason, I didn’t even bother to pay attention to your question.

Your username is very apt.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

Best cross post ever, he DID tell you everyone else's wife lets them.

He says it all the time. It INFURIATES me. I don't give a shit about anyone else's wife. TBH I don't really believe him anyway, but I do know a lot of them are much older, retired or single. Not newlyweds like us.