Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

[Lewem]

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

God you sound so sad. I wish I could give you a hug Lewem. As for how you play it, I think some people (I'm one) find it really hard to pretend even if it's in their best interests. You can only do what you can do. But you will get through this, you've started the ball rolling and you've got your mum's to go to when you can, hang on in there. When are you getting your car back? And how far is it to your mum's? What about taking to your bed and being 'not well' as an avoidance tactic - especially as you're exhausted?

Get out as soon as possible. Speak to the landlord/estate agent and move things on apace. You mustn't blink now. do whatever you have to to stay well and in control. He is not your friend.

What would you do for your birthday if not spending it with him? Have you talked to your mum about your birthday? Would she tell you now if she & your family had anything planned themselves or had collaborated with your husband in his plans? Has he indicated that he has included your family in his plans? Talk to your mum & find out. I can't help but wonder if he actually put any time into planning anything, especially since all he has focused on is golf. If you do spend your birthday with him, & pretend to be ok with him for the sake of enjoying the day, he may think he'll be able to change your mind re leaving, which may mean he gets even nastier when you don't change your mind. He could end up accusing you of being two-faced or trying to dupe him.
And you may look back and regret wasting your big day in his company.
If you do spend it with him I would definitely not pretend that everything is OK, but would let him know that you (are taking the higher ground) don't want any bitterness between you and can have an enjoyable day together (but would you not end up spending your day feeling empty and sad in his company?) Though if you did go down that road, I would expect him to have a big tantrum when he realises that he hasn't won you round.
Ultimately I reckon you'd regret wasting your birthday with someone who values golf more than his wife.

He sees his cushy life sliping away - that's the only reason he's attempting to be nice. He didn't care when you were hurting did he? But now he's hurting and that he does care about, a lot, so all of a sudden he's trying to be reasonable. He's very selfish and immature isn't he?

Did you actually want to talk about it though? You've already made your decision. What is there to talk about? You could just say no.

It sounds very much as though by 'talk about' he meant 'give me an opportunity to have a go at you'.

Don't let him distract you with detail (your birthday is now a detail). You don't have to answer to him, or his demands.

Make like a politician: get on message, divert all conversations back to your message as quickly as possible and, don't answer any questions you don't see value to you, in answering.

Decide what your two or three essential lines are. Those are your message. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

And remember, you've made your decision. You don't have to justify it, to him, or anyone.

'I've made my decision', is an excellent line to repeat.

He just kept saying there's no way he would've played golf on Sunday if it wasn't for me telling him things were over on Saturday night... his usual trick of passing the blame to me!

I’m not saying you should change your decision to split, but it does sound like you have major communication difficulties. He did offer to talk, but how did this end up being a discussion about what he did on Sunday instead of how you have got to where you are, and all his behaviour BEFORE you told him it was over? Sunday is completely irrelevant.

Don’t get fixated on tomorrow being your birthday. You are going to be forty, not 4 - the fact that tomorrow is a specific date should not change how you think and feel about him, and what that makes you want to do- spend time with him, or separate to him. Anything that involves putting on a show or brushing things under the rug will feel wrong and you will regret spending your birthday that way when you look back.

Tell him that the best present he could give you tomorrow is a proper, respectful, adult conversation about your marriage, with no blame-shifting or childish hurling of accusations. That will make you feel much better (even though the outcome is clearly going to be that your marriage is over) than any day out ever could.

Save the birthday event for another day when your head is in a better place, maybe with friends/family when lockdown has eased. You will not be the only one postponing a birthday at the moment.

Gosh! How arrogant he is. You made your decision and told him so, but he comes back with ‘do you want to talk about it’ as if he is giving YOU the chance to change your Mind. ‘Don’t get cocky with me’ is actually very unnerving. It’s akin to ‘don’t answer me back’! He really doesn’t get it at all. His storming off shows his true colours! He wants to be in control. He doesn’t want to discuss like an adult. If he respected you he would be falling over backwards now to try repair the damage. He just wants you back in line. If you really can’t stay at your Mums because of work, your only option is the put a lock on bedroom door or if not allowed then rubber stopper under it, you and the dog spend your time in there and out of his way. Keep up grey rock. It’s going to be really tough OP and he may get nastier the more he loses control but as long as he is not threatening you or intimidating you with physical violence try to ride it out. I had to do this for a few months but it was worth it in the end. Continue to get your ducks in a row. Just picture in your head, that lovely new house all of your own. Picture you and the dog cuddled up with a glass of wine (not the dog obvs! 😁), planning how you are going to decorate. Make this your dream as you drift off to sleep. Postpone your birthday celebrations til it’s over then plan something really nice for yourself with family or friends. It will give you something to really look forward to! Keep posting here OP, we are all rooting for you.

My advice is to try grey Rock, it takes practices but is amazing for keeping you calm.

Also, reframe how you think about the house. You only have to stay there 3 months. You don't have a house to sell. He cannot mess you around for longer than this.

He didn't want to 'discuss'. He wanted to tell her why he was right and she was wrong (and give her the opportunity to wrong-foot and upset herself, by failing to be adequately logical, so they could both see how silly she's being).

If she's lucky he'll be nice and try to forget all about her silly outburst. (It won't be easy, it will haunt him and he'll get cross about it from time to time but he'll try). He'll try to save the marriage, by trying to remember to play golf less. He really will, try that is. Not enough to actually stop himself but he's a good man trying his best to do the right thing and that is all that anyone could reasonably hope for.

The 'don't be cocky' comment about her dealing with the garage - about a car? That's obviously a manly man thing for which she must be dependent upon a man! - was very telling. Basic, control-you-by-keeping-you-in-your-inferior-servile-womanly-place, nasty sexism.

Does that ring true at all OP?

I know it’s difficult, and you’re focusing on your birthday tomorrow, but how are you going to feel on Thursday when it’s just a normal day? Maybe think about what life will be like after your birthday? It’s bad timing but really, that will be over in 36 hours and then you’ve got to think about the rest of your life - is it with or without this man? Your emotions might be a bit blurred because of your milestone birthday? Is he going to change?

Everything he does is to maintain his selfish lifestyle. He doesn't want any other outcome. He wants a nice house, nice wife to come back to who doesn't complain, and unlimited golf. Your feelings and needs don't come into it. He will do what he can to keep the status quo and right now that seems to be trying to make you feel responsible and guilty, so that you'll back down and he can carry on as is. Maybe he'll make some promises to change, but as you know those'll be short-lived no matter how strongly he feels at the time.

You've tried very hard to make compromises, but he hasn't tried and while he carries on this golf schedule, you don't have a marriage. Furthermore his poor treatment and childish behaviour is killing any love or desire.

You have yourself an extremely selfish man there. It's no reflection on you. His actions are not your responsibility. Hang in there with your focus on your future better life.

He's a liar. He would have played golf on Sunday. You know he would have. Just ignore his bullshit.

Treat him like a lodger. He can clean/cook/do for himself while you prepare to get rid of the arsehole.

OP, I have just reread your latest post and as someone else said, you do sound so sad. I think you should speak to your doctor who would probably sign you off work for a week or two with stress and anxiety. Use that time to go to your mum's (take the pets if she can keep them) and get your financial and legal affairs sorted, and try to gather your strength.

Don't spend your birthday with him, you owe that to yourself!

Please don't apologise to this horrible man. Try not to get involved in arguments with him, or let him bargain about how things will improve. Treat him courteously, like a rather annoying colleague, ie be civil if you bump into him but try to avoid contact as much as possible.

I keep going on about the pets but I think they are important for you and will be a real comfort in the times ahead - either in this house or in a new one that you will find. Keep them with you! (also I wouldn't trust him to feed and look after them)

I'm really sorry this has cast a shadow over your milestone birthday

FWIW I think you should see someone like your mum or a close friend tomorrow, someone who loves and supports you and is going to be there long after this bastard is nothing but a bad memory.

It won't be the birthday you were looking forward to, but it will be better than pretending with him while still feeling sad and hurt

Lewem, life begins at 40, allegedly.
Make it so.

Don’t worry about the 40th at all.

If you said to yourself ‘my 40th is an irrelevant day only made important by societal expectation’ and realised that in a year you could be in your own owned home, pregnant with your much wanted baby and your dogs and cats nearby, much closer to friends and family, about to meet a whole new circle of mum friends, would you really give a shit that on one birthday, you had a bit of a lack of nice lunches and flowers? No.

It might not be a good idea to spend your birthday with him unless you feel like you want to give the marriage a chance.
Otherwise you are just confusing both of you further and setting yourself up for a bigger row somewhere along the line, and more accusations that it’s all your fault. I’m sorry that your birthday is spoilt.

I think you will have an awful birthday if you stay there with him. Can you not go to a friends or your mums? Or even to work and out for drinks after?

I only mentioned pretending because I can see how nasty he's getting and you need to buy a little time if you're not ready to move out yet. If you are staying there for what could be weeks/months doing so at constant warfare will be so incredibly draining and will impact on your work and mental health.

He really is a selfish tosser. This isn't what a decent guy does - I've met men like this and they are just selfish little boys who never learn. In fact one I'm thinking of played golf and lost his wife to his constant hanging out with the boys and going on endless sport/work holidays despite them having a baby. Even now he blames her and is bitter. He just hasn't learnt.

It does sound like he held it together long enough to reel you in and now just doesn't care. He doesnt want to give up his 'freedom' and all that self pitying nonsense about you stopping him from having fun must be awful.

What about fun with you? Instead he's bitching about £10 for pizza AND refusing to pay half the bills! Which you simply can not allow. He MUST pay HALF of rent, utilities etc and buy his own food.

Honestly just get another job and move back to where you know and love people. Life is too short and if you do the IVF thing you will need them.

@Lostinengland

Don’t worry about the 40th at all.

If you said to yourself ‘my 40th is an irrelevant day only made important by societal expectation’ and realised that in a year you could be in your own owned home, pregnant with your much wanted baby and your dogs and cats nearby, much closer to friends and family, about to meet a whole new circle of mum friends, would you really give a shit that on one birthday, you had a bit of a lack of nice lunches and flowers? No.

You are so right :)

He's dangling the carrot of not playing golf and using it as a stick to beat you with.

You know that if you hadn't told him you wanted to split, then he would have been off playing golf regardless of your feelings - just like every other time he's disregarded your feelings and fucked off to play. It's easy for him to say now that he didn't intend to play, because you have no way of disproving it - and he knows that, which is exactly why he's using it as a tool to manipulate you.

Grey rock is your friend here; don't react and don't give him the attention. Disengage.

And I agree with the previous advice to focus on making the future that you want - and taking action to make it happen - rather than giving him anymore attention or headspace.

He's had his chance and he's blown it. If turning 40 tells you nothing else, it should be that life is short and you need to please yourself.

Yes forget about your 40th! The really special day is when you move into a lovely new home or meet a lovely new man or wake up happy and not stressed. This is just a birthday. One day. Anyway no one is having decent birthdays in lockdown!!'

Nothing to really add except to say you are being really strong and brave, OP, and I salute you. Good luck with it all. Whatever happens, I know one day you'll look back on all this and you'll feel nothing but pride about what you were able to do.

I had the worst 40th (possibly not the worst but it was pretty rubbish).

Don't expect anything. Go for a lovely walk with your dog, if you can see your mum. If not, spend the time writing some goals for the year ahead. Use it to make plans so you can 'look after yourself in the year ahead'.

I'll help you with the first few:

1. Get rid of that lump of wood and his sodding golf balls
2. Find a new job elsewhere where I am happier
3. Learn something new
4. Put myself first. Always. For a whole year.