Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

[Lewem]

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

No idea what's up with the horses there. It was meant to say house. Unless you want to take up riding?

Happy Birthday Lewem

Happy birthday Lewem.

You're giving yourself a much better birthday present than any flowers or meals: the beginning of living your life on your terms, and not putting up with being treated so badly. That's definitely a reason to celebrate xxx

Happy birthday Lewem. Lots of MNetters raising a glass to you today!

and did I say ?
Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday, hope you’re able to have a good day.

Happy birthday Lewem!

Happy Birthday - and I hope all is well with you today Lewem 🍹🎂x

Happy Birthday to You!!

Ooh yes, happy birthday! When we put the previous year to bed and look forward to the next.

Happy Birthday, Lewem, and remember - it's not how you start the decade, but how you end it! 🎈🎈🎈🎈🎂🎂🎂🎂🥂🥂🥂

Happy Birthday Lewem!!

Hope you're having a nice day @Lewem - the MN army is behind you enjoying cakes and drinks on your behalf

Happy birthday. I hope you’re having a great day and taking care of yourself and having fun.

Happy Birthday! 🍾🎂👑 Hope you are having a good day. It's my birthday today too!

Happy birthday! here’s to a new, better life starting today!

Happy birthday! One you will always remember as being the last spent being miserable

Happy birthday. I hope you’ve spent it exactly the way that best suits you

OP, can you update us please?! Hope you are ok

Wow, thank you all so much for all the birthday love, very kind. Sorry I've not been on until now, I had a device-free day for my birthday which is something I've been wanting to do for a while, and today has been a long day at work.

The day was very strange. Unfortunately my car is still not ready (hopefully tomorrow), and my mum was at work until the evening..I could not stay at hers as I had to go to work the next day, so I had no choice but to stay at home. DH was out for most of the morning, however I went down to a house filled with balloons and gifts from him (despite me telling him not to bother). I had a lovely, peaceful, relaxing morning to myself; I cooked my favourite breakfast and took my dog on a lovely long walk, then meditated and did some yoga. DH came back at lunch time and asked if Id like to go on a picnic with him; I said I didn't think it was a good idea, and anyway it poured down. He had already bought lots of food and cake, so I sat and ate cake with him..it was difficult not to with it being my birthday. We both agreed not to argue that day but I kind of kept myself to myself, I got lots of lovely skincare and beauty products as gifts so I spent most of the evening pampering myself. We didn't really speak about the issues at all, other than him saying he does not want to lose me and will stick to golf 3 times a week..Tues, Thurs and Sat. I just said there's no point talking about it as he can't stick to anything.

Today I've just been at work. Ive had a call from solicitor re divorce which would cost me £1000 approx, but I could try and claim some back from him. She said it would be a fairly straightforward process due to how short the marriage is. I also received a reply from the estate agents re the tenancy... if we decided between us which one wanted to stay, they could put it to the landlord and consider a solo tenancy, taking into account affordability etc. If it came down to that then I think I'd have more of a chance as I earn more and have a good credit rating..his is shocking.

I have not spoken to DH about any of this today, surprise surprise he's been at golf until 8pm. I know he said Thursday was one of the days he would play, but I couldn't help thinking that if it was me about to lose the so-called 'love of my life' due to something I was doing...I might put it aside for a while. Him laying golf meant me getting a taxi hoe from work which isn't cheap... I also just found out my car is going to cost me £700.00 so I have that to fork out now as well!

All in all, I feel like DH somehow thinks things are OK..I guess because I'm still here. Something massive has changed in me though, I'm withdrawing from him massively. Im just going to continue working out my plans and at the same time, as lockdown finally eases, building up my own social life again.

Thank you all again for the birthday wishes, being 40 doesn't feel any different really so far!

Well done OP for disengaging, this will serve you well.

I agree, most people in similar circumstances of the shit really hitting the fan because of the hobby would not be mentioning it, much less playing.

Get organised and get out.
I appreciate this will be challenging at first but I believe you have a much better chance of a happier future without him.

Glad you had some positives on your birthday. Hang in there.

Well done OP, you are doing really well x

Wow, he really doesn't give a fuck or he is stupid. He seriously goes golfing? He seriously suggests at this point to stick to 3 days a week? This is the time to grovel, not go to the green and be overly attentive. That's what people normally do when their relationship gets to the point that wife is getting a divorce due to something he has done. I'm not saying that him quitting gold should mean anyhting, but this really shows his priorities.

"Something massive has changed in me though, I'm withdrawing from him massively."
That will make it easier. In situations like this, it almost feels like a switch being flicked in my head, and I'm looking at the same thing but seeing it differently.

Still, if he thinks things are all OK now, that might work for you. He won't be being nasty, nor will he be love-bombing you to win you back. Again - this will make it easier.

Stay strong. ((hug))