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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

699 replies

Lewem · 27/06/2020 18:57

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

OP posts:
cameocat · 30/06/2020 20:38

What I'm trying to say is that your fortieth birthday is irrelevant. Your fortieth year will.

NearlyGranny · 30/06/2020 20:39

Has he been at home or out with you on all the previous Sundays, then, or was last Sunday after you'd told him it was over a one-off, out-of-the-blue golf Sunday?

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 30/06/2020 22:28

I'm sorry to hear this. Personally, I'd take the dog out for a lovely walk on MY own. Please have the thought in your head -my own house, my own life, my own friends, my own family, my own baby..........

He's a TWAT and you know it.

I'd wouldn't be nice about though. I'd pack my stuff -move out. Take photos of the everything (conditions left in) -I'd read all the meters and phone them and the council to say I wasn't living there anymore. I'd phone to landlord and arrange to pay half the rent by DD -but I would do this AFTER he pays his-and you can see he has paid it.

Please don't waste a second longer with this guy or give him a second of headpsace.

You know what I thought when I read you comment of "You made me play golf on Sunday" very similiar to a man who says " You made me hit you" Strikingly so. It's all abuse. Go go go go go. Buy your a fab bunch of flowers -tell your friends what has happened -tell them all reach out -they will help you.

CocoMay · 01/07/2020 00:32

I think it would be a really really bad idea to pretend to make up with him and fake being back together. Can you imagine then having to be affectionate and intimate with a man who has shown how nasty he can be and who you no longer respect? That would be terrible for your own self respect and could leave you feeling quite violated, it would potentially be very damaging to your mental health.

Another big risk is that whilst he is being nice as he's got his own way again, you get sucked back in and take him back for real. The being nice won't last of course, but the precious months or years it takes for you to gather your courage to end it again will mean that when you are free of him you have lost vital time for ttc (and there's the danger of conceiving whilst with him and being forced to coparent with such a selfish man).

Also, this could take you over the time limit for leaving the marriage in the strong financial position you were in when you entered it with regard to your savings. The longer you wait, the more risk there is of having to split his debts and your savings jointly, and with his obsession with a very expensive hobby, his debts could be mounting all the while...

If you really can't bear to share the house with him until the tenancy is up with him being so nasty, you either need to move out now yourself, or somehow get him to leave. Would the financial threat of you going but telling him he would then have to pay the whole rent and all utilities persuade him to go himself, on the agreement that then you would be paying all those? Or can any posters advise on the chances of op being able to get an order of occupancy? Once you have stopped doing all 'wife work' for him (shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, massaging his ego etc) for a few days, he may decide himself that going back to his Mum's to be coddled would suit him better, and leave all his free time for golf instead of wasting it on domestic tasks!

CocoMay · 01/07/2020 00:37

Forgot to say, I hope you have a lovely birthday tomorrow, much better to spend it pampering yourself, or with your dog, than with a spoilt man child. It would be so tense and awkward trying to spend it together and he would almost certainly end up ruining it somehow x

Vodkacranberryplease · 01/07/2020 00:45

Happy birthday OP! As it's now past 12! 🎉🎉🎂🎂

For your 40th I predict you are going to get..,, a golf and twat free life! Now that is a present worth having. Will it be sad? Yes. Will it be easy? No. But will it get better? YES.

Oh and an idea. Instead of ivf now why not freeze your eggs? Because you'll meet someone. Who does t play golf and isn't a prick.

Popc0rn · 01/07/2020 00:49

Happy Birthday Lewem!!!

Hope you have a lovely day FlowersCakeWine, and just think about this time next year when things will be better (and golf free!).

CiCiFreakingBabcock · 01/07/2020 01:36

Happy birthday Lewem Cake Wine

Lesat · 01/07/2020 02:00

Lewem what do you like to do? I do crafting and sewing as i was lonely since my Husband found pc gaming. He now says to me (as i used to say to him) we dont spend enough time together. We are still happily married, we just do our own things.

Cooltalkin · 01/07/2020 03:17

Happy birthday xx 🌸🐶CakeFlowers

cameocat · 01/07/2020 04:55

Happy birthday!!! BrewCake

IggyAce · 01/07/2020 06:04

Happy Birthday CakeFlowers

backseatcookers · 01/07/2020 06:44

Happy birthday @Lewem thinking of you today! Cake

RandomMess · 01/07/2020 07:04

Happy Birthday!!!

swampytiggaa · 01/07/2020 07:10

Happy Birthday!

My 40th birthday was a none event as my brother died shortly before and my eldest and youngest children were both quite ill. We moved house that year tho and now live by the sea.

In comparison I celebrated my 50th for at least 3 months 😂😂

Make this your year of change and look forward to how happy you will be in a few years time 💕

annabell22 · 01/07/2020 07:13

Happy birthday @Lewem I hope the coming year brings you the peace, hope and happiness you deserve.

ChikiTIKI · 01/07/2020 07:29

Happy birthday ❤️

hellsbellsmelons · 01/07/2020 07:32

Happy 40th.
My ExH threw me a surprise party in another country. I had a great time. But I did not want to be 40 and I sobbed.
My misery at being 40 was compounded when I discovered my ExH was having an affair with a woman he met while planning my party.
Asshole.
Any way. Moral of the story. I had a fantastic 50th birthday party. Loads of people there. Best time ever and I was and still am very happily single.
Get some lovely people around you. And try to enjoy it.

ThanosSavedMe · 01/07/2020 07:54

Happy birthday @Lewem. Here’s to life really starting at 40 for you.

Beefcurtains79 · 01/07/2020 08:02

Happy birthday x

SallyB392 · 01/07/2020 08:12

Mine is a stamp collector, has been for over 60yrs, even our honeymoon to SE Asia included stamp shops and an exhibition!

At least we have healthy hobbies, some men have womanizing as their hobby!

AnotherEmma · 01/07/2020 08:15

Happy Birthday!

Mix56 · 01/07/2020 08:20

Id not go for a meal with this idiot, I would send myself flowers with a card, saying
For you from the person who really cares.
& tell him he can count your £10 half a pizza by as a birthday gift.
Go home or see family & friends for the evening, take tomorrow off,
When do you get your car back? you need to chivvy them or get them to lend you a replacement car until it's repaired. Tell them you find yourself with no transport at all..
Happy Birthday. Please enjoy it far from Tosser

BurtsBeesKnees · 01/07/2020 08:25

Happy Birthday OP ThanksWine

lifesgoodwithlg · 01/07/2020 08:30

Happy birthday OP Flowers . You deserve a lot better than his left overs. It won't be easy but you will get through it.