Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

[Lewem]

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

Good for you op. Keep going, you can do this.

Tbh it doesn't really matter why he's acting so horribly, we can psychoanalyse his behaviour, but at the end of the day he's showing you who he is. He's a nasty, selfish, self centred twat, who's only concern is himself. If he was a decent human being, he would have sat down and had a conversion with you, on how to come to an agreement that suited you both. What he's doing now is throwing a temper tantrum because he can't get his own way.

Use this time to get hold of important documents and speak to a solicitor. If you have any shared savings transfer half into your account.

Once you've got your head around that, start to look for jobs in the area your family live in and look for rentals. My friend has two cats and a dog and didn't have much trouble finding a rental property.

Personally I'd give him the £10

I think now this ball is rolling it will quickly ramp up so if you can start the job hunt soon you'll be pleased you did. I don't think you can last that long in this house with him. You've got a month at most because he's planning on being pretty nasty.

It's already starting. If you want to buy more time you will have to put on an Oscar winning performance of reconciliation - and then golf becomes your friend because time at golf = time you have to plan.

I know there are lots of people looking for jobs but most are applying for the wrong jobs. I'm hiring and getting constant applications from people with little experience and right now it's specific experience I need.

Find companies that do exactly what you do and approach their senior people.

If you are a great fit and they want to expand they will make room for you. A sideways move to a related industry probably isn't viable now but then I don't know your industry so couldn't say.

I think you are doing amazing OP.

This all must be so hard for you.

A lot of your upset will be coming from his lack of care and compassion about the hurt you are going through. It will be so much easier when you are away from him.

For the moment, you're going to have to view him as a somewhat childish fellow lodger who you don't actually have any obligation to communicate with. Get on with living your own life, do absolutely nothing for him, communicate as little as possible, and make plans to get out as soon as possible.

Gosh he's nasty, using the dog too as he knows it will bother you.

Grey rock him, stay calm when he's goading you and vent here. I bet he moved the the spare room in the hope you'd beg him to come back,

Get a rubber door stopper. When you go to bed shove it under the door. He won't be able to get in - exh's fav trick was waiting til I had gone to bed and stand in the door way bellowing at me when I couldn't get away...
Stay strong op..

Stay strong OP. He says you are an amazing person, and you are.

Why though would a newlywed man spend 48 hours a week playing golf, 48 hours at work and only (10?) hours a week with his amazing new wife? (I didn't count time spent asleep in that calculation)
Not to mention the dog and daughter situation.

"No choice" but go to golf yesterday. pah. A million other choices were available including - saying sorry - sticking to your original generous agreement for 3 rounds a week - spending time with you - doing whatever you blissfully enjoyed during lockdown. You have given him lots of explanation and chances. He can't see past his own ego.

In my experience of breaking up it is good to write things down to help keep resolve and not let yourself get confused over what is wrong. I'd write down how many hours he spent at golf and when, how you felt, what excuses he made, what you had been expecting to do instead, how much it cost, whatever the problem of the day was.

Echoing all the other posters. It is unbelievable that he is being so selfish and tantrums like a teenager addicted to playing a game. This is not a partnership/marriage. No care, consideration or insight on his part at all.

Move him to the category of 'annoying lodger' (as suggested by a PP) that should help you to deal with him

Him refusing to pay for your dog is a good thing! It means he can't suddenly decide he wants "custody" and fight you over Ddog out of spite.
Keep posting, we'll support you, and by Christmas you and Ddog will be doing just fine without fuck face!

If you respond to him re: golf or dog fees, make sure to focus on him making commitments.

“This is about commitments and honoring your word. You agreed 3 times per week was reasonable to golf and have not honored that. You also made a commitment to pay for the dog and now are refusing. It’s not possible to have a healthy relationship if you make commitments to me and our marriage and then renege. It makes it impossible for me to trust your word.”

Do nothing for him now.
No washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing, tidying, shopping, etc.... NOTHING.
Also ensure you keep busy and are absolutely NOT available to look after HIS child when he is supposed to be having contact!
If he goes out and leaves her, you go out and text him and her mum and let them both know you aren't there so someone needs to sort her out!

He really is showing his true colours now.
Get that exit plan in place.
And be free!!!

"Don't get cocky," from him in this situation probably translates as "I'm not at all comfortable when you seem to be calm and confident."

He knows his time is up and he's flailing about creating distraction and chaos to try to throw you off balance. The one off-balance is him.

Dog food and a half share of a pizza from weeks ago? Is that seriously all he can muster by way of complaint against you? You must be at the front of the queue for sainthood!

@HannaYeah

If you respond to him re: golf or dog fees, make sure to focus on him making commitments.

“This is about commitments and honoring your word. You agreed 3 times per week was reasonable to golf and have not honored that. You also made a commitment to pay for the dog and now are refusing. It’s not possible to have a healthy relationship if you make commitments to me and our marriage and then renege. It makes it impossible for me to trust your word.”

Absolutely!

Don't get cocky
yeah who does he think he is, trying to position himself as the grown up with you as an impudent child
Hahaha good luck with that, what did you say in reply 'make my day punk'🤣🤭
He's such a tit

god OP you poor thing he sounds like such an unbelievable sack of shit. You're doing the right thing though. This uncomfortable situation is only temporary.

Hello OP, well done, you have made it through another day! Keep going.

I'd give him the £10 for the pizza. Don't ask him for money for the dog (you don't want him to have any claim over him/her), and let him know you've made plans to be at your mum's for your birthday. Then take the dog (and the cats if you can!) and go there tonight and stay until at least Thursday. If your car isn't fixed yet just rent one for a few days. The money spent will be worth the grief you will avoid.

I hope you have been able to set up a new bank account of your own and put all your savings in it. If not, then please do that asap!

Happy birthday for tomorrow

If I were you I'd plan this carefully now.

He is a complete cockwomble..

In your position I'd apologise and say you were wrong, placate and encourage his hobby... this allows you to get your ducks in a row and keeps the peace which will make your life a bit better and comfortable at home. Let him do his golf thing, don't try to stop him. This allows you to do your own thing and get sorted. As a previous poster set up a fantastic plan I would follow that.
The less he knows and suspects the better.

Move your savings so he can't touch them.
Get your new place.
Get ready with the divorce papers.
Budget plan and be ready to just smile and wave.

Also I had a baby girl by at home artificial insemination, if you would like any further information about that I would be happy to talk about it. It's tough but the best decision I ever made.

Keep your chin up OP you're doing marvelously considering.

It doesn’t sound that bad to me.

My DH has a new “interest”, not hobby as such, more of a change of “way of life.” To say what would be very outing!

He does this seven days a week. He works too, so does this after work. Until about 9pm.

He’s not been here when I’ve got up in the morning for months. On the weekend, he’s there all day. Until 8pm/9pm. I see him for about an hour, never more. Sometimes less.

So you have it much better than I do!

However, I never complain. I’m very introverted and enjoy being on my own.

The way I see it, if you moan and he stays home more because you moaned, he still doesn’t want to be there. He won’t be happy. He’ll just be resentful.

Sorry, I haven’t read your subsequent replies. It seems things have worsened, so ignore me!

So we've just had a showdown... I came home early from work as I am exhausted from all the stress over the last few days. He was home too. He asked if I wanted to talk about it... I tried to explain but ended up feeling infuriated. He just kept saying there's no way he would've played golf on Sunday if it wasn't for me telling him things were over on Saturday night... his usual trick of passing the blame to me! I told him he'd pretty much ruined my birthday (not how I imagined the run up to my 40th to be) and he just kept insisting that it wasn't ruined and we can still celebrate tomorrow...when I said I might have other plans he got up and stormed off out....conversation over.

*In your position I'd apologise and say you were wrong, placate and encourage his hobby... this allows you to get your ducks in a row and keeps the peace which will make your life a bit better and comfortable at home. Let him do his golf thing, don't try to stop him. This allows you to do your own thing and get sorted. As a previous poster set up a fantastic plan I would follow that.
The less he knows and suspects the better. *

Those posters like the one above advising me to pretend everything is OK and then get my ducks in a row behind the scenes... that would mean spending my birthday tomorrow with him... do we think that's a good idea? In some ways I can't stand the thought of letting him think...ahhh she's such a pushover, I can easily get round her! On the other hand though... the more I pull away the more nastier he gets and I really struggle when he's like that. I get really low, negative and feel isolated. Thats what happened last night, I ended up with real anxiety and barely slept all night.

I am so torn as to which approach to take...I wish it wasn't my 40th tomorrow..the timing is totally shit

OP you can just say that you’re over the argument but you’d still rather spend your birthday with family/friends given the bad atmosphere recently. Then start afresh with the plan the day after.

OP I would do whatever you can to remove yourself from the situation. Get your car out of the garage or hire/borrow one and go back to your mums.

You are not going to get any kind of headspace sharing a house with him.

If you do stay just go grey rock. As someone said upthread, treat him like an annoying lodger.

OP I'm so sorry you're in this situation. As someone who cried myself to sleep on my last night of being 39 thanks to my twat of a H, I totally get you. Wind the clock forward a decade or so and here I am, happily divorced and remarried. My advice echoes so much of what other PPs have said but also so say yes, it's your birthday, but it's just a day. Get through it by doing whatever you need to do and keep your eyes on the prize - getting your life back. You can celebrate properly in 6 months with your family and friends.

Happy birthday for tomorrow

There is no way I would be able to pretend. It’s not really worth it. And then he could start being nice and you’ll be sucked in.