Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

[Lewem]

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

Good advice from Fizzy.

Sounds like you've been productive today, well done.

Lots of helpful info here:
www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/divorce

What is it about bloody golf that turns men into complete idiots?

You have my sympathy but you need to get cross not upset.

Go and speak to him now and tell him: I'm not arguing or reasoning with you because you're a bloody adult and you know that you're entire free time has been taken up by your obsession. I'm neither unreasonable nor controlling just because I wanted to spend time with my husband. We've been to counselling once over this and I'm not going again. Reign it in or this marriage is over because your mental health is not more important than mine.

Then leave the room and let him stew but you seriously have to think about where this is going because he doesn't even want to sort it out and can you really spend the rest of your life being the bad guy in someone else's story?

Don't waste your life. He needs to shape up or ship out.

Glad to hear your making plans and not wasting any more time with him. Good luck for the future

I admire your courage op, I hope you manage to salvage some of your birthday.
X

Not feeling so strong now I'm back home. He was sending me messages before I got back saying he still wants to make my birthday special and thinks I'm an amazing person. Because I didn't give him much response back, since I've got home he's turned nasty again.

He asked me if I'd heard any news about my car (its been in the garage for 2 weeks) or if I need him to call them for me tomorrow, I just replied calmly, don't worry its all under control and I don't need any help. His response ..'don't get cocky with me'! I then reminded him I needed some money off him towards the dogs food (she gets a special type delivered) and her walks..his response was.. "Why should I pay towards that fancy food, I wanted to keep her on the cheap stuff, and I don't think she needs the walks so why should I pay towards that". He then said that I still owe him a tenner for a pizza he bought me 3 weeks ago. Absolutely unbelievable. He has moved into the spare room but before he went he shouted through, 'yes i've made some mistakes but it's not all my doing'. I asked him to clarify which part was my doing and he said he doesn't agree with some of my views on some issues, i.e. how much he should play golf! He just can't bear to accept that he has caused this, he's forever trying to pin some blame onto me.

I felt strong today but I really don't cope well with the sheer nastiness and feeling so uncomfortable in my own home :( And feel so isolated here.. I don't know what to do.

Best thing to do is keep yourself to yourself as much as you can. Ask for nothing, offer nothing, say as little as you can. Total 'grey rock'.

Hopefully he'll go golfing as much as he can just to 'prove a point'. Say nothing. Look at it as time to yourself to keep getting those ducks in a row!

Chin up , you can do this
How far are you from your mums ? Try and go there as much as possible .. tbh I wouldn’t ask him for any money ( even tho you should get it ) don’t give him opportunity to have a go . Keep your head and your cool and focus on the end result
Good luck you have half of mumsnet behind you

He sounds thick as mince. He doesn't think your dog needs walks? And getting angry with you is supposed to make you reconsider leaving is it? How could any girl resist being shouted at? Sadly, he may want you, because he likes the idea of the home, the wife, the pets, but he doesn't respect you.

Stay strong, stay positive. Think of your future goal, where you are going to be in 6 months and a year. Good for you for taking control, you're doing great. Just keep looking to the future and happy birthday for Wednesday, spend the day with your mom.

Sounds like a game of brinkmanship he's trying to push you so that you fall over the edge, but he's the one that's showing all the signs of stress, he's the one that can't control his temper.
He's being extremely juvenile behaving like a sulky teenager

He sounds very selfish why would you have kids with him?

God he sounds so awful.

He's such a nasty piece of work.
OP, I can only imagine how hard this is but he really is showing you EXACTLY who he is.

He is furious at the thought that he may not have things exactly as he wants.
A toddler is what he is.

MN is full of threads from poor women, with children, at the mercy of men like him.

Their lives of misery,...... mocked, stuck in their homes and told to suck it up, because they don't have any other options.

You have your whole life ahead of you.
Your life can only get better when you get away from him.

Please get legal advice as to the best time to start proceedings against him.

Don't let that nasty twat get his hands on YOUR money.

Ok so I have RTFT. And I think that @Lewem you should start becoming a job seeking expert and track down a fabulous job near your own family and friends. Get on linked in, check out who is there, write to them personally. Make it happen.

You don't need to live near HIS parents and HIS golf course. Jobs can be anywhere, especially in the UK. Explain to your boss what's happening and be really fair about it. They might even help you.

Then as well as following all the excellent advice re moving money, joint bills etc when you are ready say nothing. When he goes to golf book a van and load up all the things you love to a rental you have the tenancy first near your friends and family that allows pets.

Obviously before you leave put the bills in his name. You may need to give him a moving date that's out by a month or so otherwise he will get there first. Keep a log of who paid what and find all receipts!

Act like you want to take the flat over and he will of course say no, then you can say the bills need to be in his name. He needs to take the tenancy over. If he starts saying no act like you really want the flat and he will fight you for it. Job done.

It's not a home if it's nowhere near your friends and family and it's a rental so the decorating can't be that extensive - and you can take it with you!

He goes off to golf and comes back to an itemised list as suggested by a PP snd a hand written carefully worded letter explaining exactly why this is happening. Then he can't deny it to himself. It's his own fault and he has to live with it.

You will rent for a year while sorting out finances and stash money if need be and then buy a house. Near the people you love.

Your marriage is down the drain. Your husband is not worth the title husband .and you are only married 1 year. I am very sorry op.
He chooses his hobby over his marriage.
You need to step away from him. But also you need to make an effort in trying to make new friends and having your own hobbies. Live more of your own life too I mean. Not just a shared life. That is very important. (this implies when you are together with someone or happy single)

I just replied calmly, don't worry its all under control and I don't need any help. His response ..'don't get cocky with me'!
That reminds me of a time when my ex was making some barbed belittling remarks to me in front of the kids who were just 5 & 7 at the time. I turned what he said around and used it to have a giggle with the kids. He did not like that and said 'don't be getting smart'. That nasty remark was firmly meant to humiliate & put me in my place. I can only imagine that you feel a bit shocked atm due to how nasty he has become, I'm sure you thought you knew him, how could someone I loved enough to marry & who was supposed to love me, completely turn on me? Why doesn't he want to fight to save our marriage and not lose me? The realisation that your partner doesn't value you hurts like hell.
Since his ego has been deeply bruised, I don't doubt that there'll be lots more digs & daggers designed to humiliate you. Call on all the support you can, even if it's just so someone can remind you that you're not at fault and he's a humongous prick.

he is really showing his colours now. Stay strong. Have you got some girlfriends who can come over for a glass of wine and a bit of comforting, or you stay with them?

Can you ask your boss if you can work remotely and hunker down with your mum for a bit?

Keep going. His true colours are showing now - if he was a decent man who loved you he wouldn't be behaving like this. The fact he's being nasty and treating you like shit is very telling - he's not getting his own way and he'd do this every single time he didn't get his own way. That's not a marriage.

I was just coming on to say what Tappering just has, his true colours are coming out now. Dog doesn't need walks FFS.

Keep strong

He sounds awful. He’s being as difficult as possible but it really shows you who he is. He’s trying to guilt you and turn the issues round on you. You’ve been more than fair to him and you deserve better.

You can do this. He’s really showing his true colours now. I’m sorry to say that it will be awful for a while - that will feel like ages but in reality it won’t be that long, especially in the grand scheme of things.

Don’t get sucked into bickering about money for the dog, he knows that’s a weak spot so will hold that against you and use it in a power battle. Just suck up the cost and say nothing. Give him his £10 for his pizza, then he can’t use that against you again.

This will be painful now but just cling on to the hope that it will get better eventually. His behaviour is very childish /pathetic and he will only get worse over time.

When this has passed you can take comfort in the fact that you are free to move on and meet someone new (should that be what you want) and start a fresh life filled with love and respect and happiness. Unfortunately, I can’t see your husband ever really having that self-awareness any time soon so he will probably be very bitter and lonely for a while to come.

You can always come back here if you need words of encouragement xx

So sorry OP - he is genuinely awful

If he is in the spare room, make sure there is NOTHING of his in your room. Take it out and dump it in there. If you can, rearrange the furniture in your room a bit, move the dog's bed in there, get a couple of new cushions or something, whatever works for you to make it feel like your sanctuary. if you are going to co-habit for a while (been there, done that), you need your own space.

He sounds like someone who realises he no longer can control you and his actions and words are in desperation of his realisation that he’s lost. I bet he knows he is totally to blame, but the ‘toddler’ inside him won’t accept it and can’t handle not getting his own way. Your actions have totally surprised him and he doesn’t know what to do. When you first came home last night it sounded like he thought initially you could make amends then quickly went sour when he realised there was no way. I hope you continue to go from strength to strength now.

I wouldn't ask for money for the dog (even though he owes it) but I wouldn't give him the £10 either!

What a loser