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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

699 replies

Lewem · 27/06/2020 18:57

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

OP posts:
blubberyboo · 29/06/2020 12:52

The nastiness has started already... his share of the bills money due today and didn't put it in, when he did it was short. His excuse...why should he pay anything towards the dog (dog walker fee's, food costs, pet insurance) when I have the dog with me. Ive just not bothered to respond its not worth it. Im very hurt though, expecting that he's going to make everything as difficult as possible for me

I’m very sad for you OP I thought he would have wised up and tried to save things. Just reply and say that “This selfishness is exactly the reason why I’m leaving you. Your attitude towards your responsibilities towards the dog show me you can never be a good husband and father. You are trying to shift the blame onto me but the truth is you chose to leave this marriage weeks ago”

VenusClapTrap · 29/06/2020 13:01

Good luck op. I really feel for you. You’re doing the right thing.

Presumably the cats are still back at the house? Can he be trusted to look after them as he seems very keen to wash his hands of the dog and use its wellbeing as ammunition?

BobbieDraper · 29/06/2020 13:12

Oh, how horrible.

You need to remember this though. If you start to have doubts, remember that he has shown you who he is and it will not change.

But I'm torn between no response and sending something similar to what @blubberyboo has suggested.

Mix56 · 29/06/2020 13:19

He wasn't fussed about having the dog all this time spent at the clubhouse.
I would outline the costs of him keeping the house, & paying all the bills,tax etc

do you think he can afford it, with golf, bar bills, car etc?
If he keeps the house, make sure you put the amenities bills in his name only

crosseyedMary · 29/06/2020 13:20

You can take control of this situation, stitch that bastard up and we will help you

crosseyedMary · 29/06/2020 13:22

Don't respond to him, any response gives information as to what you're planning to do, he's not on your team he's not your partner he is your opponent, treat him accordingly

backseatcookers · 29/06/2020 13:22

My god they really do all turn nasty don't they, ugh. It's pathetic how predictable they are. Poor you OP Thanks

billy1966 · 29/06/2020 13:25

OP, please protect your savings.
If he clears you out, it will cost you to recover it.

Act quickly and decisively.
The less he knows the better.
He doesn't believe you will go through with this.
Sadly he does not love you and probably never did.
You need to protect yourself and reflect his ruthlessness in how you move forward.

Focus on the possibility of moving closer to home if you can.

Long term I think this might be wise.

You are so strongFlowers

WannabeJolie · 29/06/2020 13:35

Oh OP. I’ve just read your full thread. I’m so sorry. He sounds like a horrible man. Can you speak to the agent that when the lease is up in October you’d like to take it on alone? A lot of people have given some great advice about next steps. I think you’re doing the right thing. It’s almost like you’re an add on to the marriage. And having a child with him would only leave you resentful and ground down so leaving sounds like the best option. Is the commute too far if you stayed with your mum? Or could she have the dog whilst you stayed elsewhere? It’s better to be alone than in a lonely marriage.

chatterbugmegastar · 29/06/2020 14:19

Im very hurt though, expecting that he's going to make everything as difficult as possible for me :(

It is hurtful I agree and he probably will do more horrible things

But at least you definitely know now. You've made the right decision

Any residual doubts you might have had - you can put them to bed - getting rid of him is the right decision

billybagpuss · 29/06/2020 14:23

Hope this week goes well for you, do try and protect your savings

hellsbellsmelons · 29/06/2020 14:28

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP.
But you sound like you will have it sorted out soon.
The more you write the worse he is.
He's hardly making an effort to try to save his marriage.
Just shows how much he actually cares about you.
i.e. NOT A JOT!
I hope your mum is giving you some love and support.
Get a plan in place and good luck.

My best friend had a donor baby.
My godson is totally gorgeous.
Best thing she has ever done.
She's a wonderful mum.
She did it at 39.

Original poster
Lewem · 29/06/2020 16:03

@hellsbellsmelons

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. But you sound like you will have it sorted out soon. The more you write the worse he is. He's hardly making an effort to try to save his marriage. Just shows how much he actually cares about you. i.e. NOT A JOT! I hope your mum is giving you some love and support. Get a plan in place and good luck.

My best friend had a donor baby.
My godson is totally gorgeous.
Best thing she has ever done.
She's a wonderful mum.
She did it at 39.

I've had quite a productive day at my mums... I've emailed the estate agent for some clarity about the tenancy, I have made an appointment with a solicitor to discuss divorce and also got an appointment with mortgage advisor.

However I will have to go back home tonight... I have to go to work tomorrow, my car is in the garage being repaired (frustratingly) and my mum can only take me tonight, not in the morning. Its going to be tough being around him, as I have a feeling he won't want to believe I'm going through with this. Its also my birthday on Wednesday so not quire sure how that will pan out... Im sure he'll try and be all nice on that day. Thinking of coming back here for the day

OP posts:
Longpinknails · 29/06/2020 16:22

Well done Op, you got loads done. Good luck with tonight. It’s hard to tell what he’s going to be like. Keep your nerve. Remember it is not your fault, it is his. Keep saying it over in your mind. Flowers

istheresomethingishouldknow · 29/06/2020 16:39

Stay tough, OP. do nothing for him. Nothing. Gray rock.

And protect your money if you haven't already and get your important financial documents together and put in a safe place.

Ellie56 · 29/06/2020 16:40

You've done well today OP. As PP said above move your savings into another account asap.

Mix56 · 29/06/2020 16:54

Watch out for all sorts of emotion machinations/ his mental health...blame it's your fault after all..,various reasons,excuses...promises, bday meal.
Don't clear up, don't wash up, don't pick up his laundry.

chicalina · 29/06/2020 16:54

Just read through your whole thread OP and feel like all the other supportive PPs. You are an amazing woman for being so strong and taking control. Well done and wishing you all the best. Do please protect your savings - having had friends in similar situations, one of their partners cleared the
joint account. Sending you a bug hug Flowers

Pembsgirl · 29/06/2020 16:57

Well done for such a proactive day OP! Like others have said, be sure and move your savings so that he can't get his hands on them, as if you don't he probably will!! Ideally put them in your Mum's name, assuming she's the sort of Mum that you can trust, which she sounds like she probably is.

Spend your birthday with your Mum, you'll enjoy it far more with her, and if you've got your car back by then, I'd arrange to go there on Tuesday night, so that he doesn't get the chance to spoil your birthday for you.

Good luck tonight! Stay strong, and the rate you're going, it will all soon be just a bad memory, but remember, all is NOT lost! We learn from our mistakes, and I think though it's been hard, it's been a very valuable lesson for you.

Hope you have a WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY! xxx

Original poster
Lewem · 29/06/2020 17:01

Hope you have a WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY! xxx

@Pembsgirl Thank you so much xxx

OP posts:
Ernieshere · 29/06/2020 17:15

Enjoy your birthday, take DDog to your mums, and eat cake Wine

Keepwarminthisroom · 29/06/2020 17:20

Wow you're amazing @Lewem, I'm full of admiration for you ❤️

Tappering · 29/06/2020 17:34

Another one saying watch out for emotional blackmail, tears and promises. Actions speak louder than words - any idiot can squeeze out a few tears, promise to change and tug your heartstrings about "throwing it all away". However when push comes to shove, the way that they behave when they're sure of your affections again is what matters - and he's already had that chance.

As for "never forgiving you" for breaking up the marriage - so? He can't be arsed to care about your feelings, so I'm baffled why he'd think you'd give a shit about his opinion given that you're looking at divorcing him anyway. I'm sure his bitterness can keep him company at the golf course.

RandomGirl · 29/06/2020 18:17

Happy Birthday to you for Wednesday. Do go back to your parents for the day and have Some love around you. Well done for being so constructive and taking matters into your own hands. Flowers

FizzyGreenWater · 29/06/2020 19:02

Its going to be tough being around him, as I have a feeling he won't want to believe I'm going through with this.

Let him believe that you aren't!

Seriously - it will make life INCREDIBLY easier if he thinks you're just having a little tantrum... right up until the moment you inform him at work that you've given notice and by the way you've already taken half the stuff in a van and the direct debits are being transferred in to his name from Friday.

If he DOES believe you're going your life will be hell. And he will stop paying into the joint account full stop and you will be completely rinsed for all the bills. 'Why the fuck should I... you can pay the lot, I don't care if the electric goes off' He will be fine, they're in your name.

Let him think you don't mean it or he will do his best to make your life as hard as he can.