Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

[Lewem]

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

Hobbies are great and it's good to have a passion for something. I'm glad he has something to keep him sane in this world of nastiness.

BUT. It sounds like he needs to practice balance and re-adjust his priorities. YANBU.

why should he pay anything towards the dog [...] when I have the dog with me

Wow, he couldn't have give you a better 'in'. Say you've been wanting to split responsibility for the dog more equally with him for a while. Which days of the week will he be looking after it?

More broadly, you'll need to start shifting your understanding of the relationship from 'married couple' to 'housemates'.

Split all bills, custody of the dog, space in the cupboard etc for you each to have your own food shopping.

Don't respond.

It's exactly as I said - keep as peaceful as possible until you can go because he will try and control and punish through money. He is already doing it.

Don't respond at all in any way. Your aim here is to bring the money cuttign behaviour to a close because it will disadvantage you - you need as much money available to get away with. Are there joint savings? If so, earmark taking more of them when you do go to 'cover what you refused to for our pets' - more unreasonable behaviour.

He won't want you to leave, remember. He's trying to bring you into line so that he can keep his maid and sex utility. So, don't respond, he'll be waiting for you to get angry so that he can justify further by being the one 'under attack'. Don't. He will then probably change tack to placatory. He wants this to be sorted at no disadvantage to him, remember. So keep fairly quiet, respond by saying you're really shocked at him doing something like that and you really don't want to talk about it.

Hopefully he'll put more money in as he then won't want to look the bad guy.

Just keep head down and plan. The aim here is maximum planning, and to not end up paying a penny over the odds for your living arrangements until Oct. You are vulnerable because your name is on the bills - fairly deliberate move there perhaps.

Yes, the fuckwittery has started. Protect yourself in every way possible.

Does anyone else think he may have some sort of mental health issue? I'm not sure if its narcissim, or what you would call it, but that is definitely not a normal, healthy thought process

Unfortunately I think he's probably just a prick. As many people are.

I think you need to focus on how you want to spend your time rather than on how you don't want DH to spend his time.

Eg
I want to do no more than 50% of the housework
I want to have a date night every Friday
I want to see my friends/family one night a week and once at the weekend
I want to be able to share looking after the dog
I want to go for a weekend away once a month
I want to eat dinner with my husband 4 times a week
You get the idea.

It's very possible to develop a lot of your own interests and friends and for this to work if you don't have kids. If you just want to spend a lot more time together then he does though then I'd say you are fundamentally incompatible.

If you are planning kids yet he doesn't pull his weight around the house and with the dog then I'd have a rethink.

Wow - he has already turned nasty

I would shift the bills into his name tbh as you don't think he will let you stay etc.

Just to top it all off, he sent me a text last night saying he wasn't even going to play golf yesterday..but I had told him it was over so what choice did he have?!!! (shock). I have not responded

Thats just to shift the guilt, ignore it.
He could have done 100 other things.

Is there OW that plays golf with him or that works there, and he spends time with her there?

I’m so sorry you are going through this Op. I’ve been following your posts this weekend and my heart goes out to you. My ex was cricket mad, so I do have an idea of what it must have felt like. Yes, he has started already with the nastiness and will now feel angry, which is what you need to feel now too. Make notes of everything now, about how you were treated in your marriage as when the time comes you can cite him for unreasonable behaviour. But in the meantime, like others have said, stay strong, don’t tell him anything and plan to remove yourself from him and your ties as quickly as you can. I hope he doesn’t change the locks of your place though, if you aren’t there. Not sure if he can even do that if it’s rented in both your names, but the landlord probably wouldn’t allow that anyway ( perhaps check?) stay strong. At least you now know niw his true feelings. A man like this will never think he is to blame.

Crack on with the divprce as soon as possible. The shorter duration the marriage the less issues in getting it dissolved.

Take everything out of the joint account except bill money. He could clean you out any time perfectly legally as it stands. You wouldn't necessarily know until your card was declined!
Get an account of your own asap.
You're being so strong, get mad at him, and keep going.

OP, he may not want to put towards the dog as she is with you, then why should you put towards the amenities if you aren't there to use them for the next few days?? His logic makes no sense does it??

To be fair you could argue that if he doesn't want responsibility for the dog that's fine. You'll keep the dog and associated expenses. He can move out. Because the flat is pet-friendly and you'll be responsible for the pets.

OP you need to protect yourself now. I think you said you had savings but he has debts. I think there's a chance that in the divorce he will get half of everything, so you need to get legal advice straight away on how best to safeguard what is yours.

Personally I wouldn't ask him for money for the dog if you can afford not to - presumably you want to end up keeping the dog and the cats (which will continue to bring you happiness for many years, unlike Sulking Golf Boy).

I agree with the PP who said you should ignore his petulant texts, stay calm and not engage with his current pettiness.

Also,

It's unlikely that he would get 'half of everything' after such a short marriage

With such a short marriage it's likely to be a clean break with you keeping all your assets.

He sounds like a total selfish manchild.

You can give notice on the joint tenancy now, OP, to expire either on the October end date or sooner if you have a break clause/notice clause in the tenancy agreement. Check the wording. As soon as you've given notice, which one of you can do legally without telling the other person, then you approach the landlord and ask for a new tenancy to start the day after in just your name. He will then have no legal right to stay in the property once you are the sole tenant. Don't lose your home over this. You can remain there while you carry on saving to buy/looking for the right property.

Take all of your savings out into a new account now. He’s already proved he’s not going to play fair!. This is totally in line with the script. As PP said, He can legally clear out the savings account and you would have to go to court to get any of it back. As you were the one who put it in then it is yours to take out. Let him fight to prove he is entitled to any of it! As you are the higher earner, he is going to lose out . Will he be able to pay the rent, all the bills and keep up the golf to this standard going forward (it’s a very expensive hobby)? You were keeping him in the lifestyle to which he has become accustomed. That’s going to change for him.

Go ‘grey rock’, do not engage with him any further, do not reveal your cards. Once he knows it is over for sure, he will start to play dirty. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’ve been there. When you see that look in their eyes that tells you that you have now become the enemy it’s so painful. You gave him ample chances to save the marriage. He proved he wasn’t interested. Now you need to be totally pragmatic. Put plans in place to make your new life without him come to fruition. It will be a lovely new life in which your life will be about you and your dog. You will no longer waste time or energy trying to think of new ways to get him to be part of your life. As they say on MN get your ducks in a row, divorce him, and do it quickly and decisively. No more miss nice girl!

When I split up with my ex the 1st thing I did was to go to the bank. Drew as much money as I could and had the joint bank account frozen. When he tried to draw money out he couldn't and this forced him to accepting we had to have separate ones. He then stopped all direct debits so I took over the bills but took the opportunity to tell the Bank re his credit card and a couple of other direct debits he had in his name that he no longer lived at this address. I also gave them his mistresses address and his mothers. This way I didn't have any of his debtors knocking at my door!

OP please be very wary of some of the advice you've received about ending/changing the tenancy before the end of the fixed term. The Shelter link I shared up thread explains the legal position. You cannot end a fixed term tenancy early without the agreement of all tenants. Once the fixed term ends you can end it unilaterally but not until then.

Lots of armchair housing law experts here

Another thought when the tenancy is over can you not go to your landlord and ask to have the tenancy in your name only and ask if you can have the locks changed? (perhaps at your expense?) Then dump all his personal stuff at his mothers house. I did this with my ex but in my case at his mistress's house. This prevented him from walking in when he felt like it and he had no excuses to come for his belongings. It is not going to be easy, so stay strong and don't let the b@$t@rd grind you down. It will be so worth the hassle in the end.