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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

699 replies

Lewem · 27/06/2020 18:57

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

OP posts:
Lollypop4 · 28/06/2020 22:58

Ive not read the entire thread but, I would not tolerate that at all, I would leave tbh.

Good luck

Bluebiddy · 28/06/2020 23:13

OP I do wholeheartedly apologise - I have only very recently started using mumsnet & have obviously hugely misjudged MN etiquette. I had picked a lighthearted thread to post on because I'm not so stupid as to want to piggyback a thread where the OP needed support and advice. I had your post open too because I wanted to read it - I now have read all of your updates and I wish you all the best. FWIW I escaped from an abusive relationship - his addiction was alcohol - with my two young kids almost two years ago now and we are so much happier. I regret not leaving sooner for them. I was always telling myself what if it's worse if I take them away from their dad. They showed me that I had made the right move. They were visibly happier & more relaxed within days. My point is (not to garner sympathy) to say it's so so much better being a single parent than being unhappy in a relationship. If you stay with someone who doesn't value you & always puts your needs on the backburner, you end up losing yourself especially when you become a parent and if your partner loses his temper with you when called out for his selfish behaviour, before you know it you're watching what you say & walking on eggshells so as not to poke the dragon. I don't mean to be glib but be glad you got out now & not after years and years of lonely misery, potentially with children in the picture too. Single parenthood - whilst daunting at first - can be wonderful and babies truly are the best. I really hope you find happiness.

Pembsgirl · 28/06/2020 23:42

OP I know I'm late to add my five eggs worth, but just wanted to say how glad I am that your Mum came to the rescue, and that you've told him that it's over. As far as it being difficult to leave the beautiful home you made for the pair of you, it might make it easier if you focus on the fact that as a rental, your landlord could give you notice at any point (obviously within the law), and you would lose this home anyway. I really hope that you find you are able to buy your own home, that way you'll be able to have your pets without having to answer to anyone else, and it also won't be money down the drain as most rentals are. I wish you the very best of luck in sorting all this out, and feel confident that you can do it, as you sound like a strong sensible woman.

EKGEMS · 28/06/2020 23:50

Vedaisawesome I think it's time to schedule that long overdue eye doctor appointment

user1493379562 · 29/06/2020 00:07

You say that you earn more than him. Just wondering if he could afford to pay golf with out your income as well? If he is a golf club member the fees can be exorbitant. I have a girl friend who's husband belonged to a shooting club. She earned a lot more than him and ended up paying for virtually everything. She found out he was having an affair and ended the marriage. He is no longer with the women he had an affair with and can no longer afford his hobby (shame that -not!) my friend met someone else from the gun club and they couldn't be happier! I read this out to my partner and he said your husband sounds like he is still living the single life.

CatOnMyLap · 29/06/2020 00:52

OP, are you convinced he's definitely always playing golf- is there a chance he may be having an affair? 40 hours of golf a week is astonishing, and coupled with the aggression and defensiveness towards you, and being away when his own daughter is visiting, I just wondered if he is in fact hiding something else from you...?

Like everyone else on here I really feel for you and congratulate you for leaving. You've made a brave decision and will definitely be happier soon than you are now. I really hope you manage to have a child. You sound like you'd be a great mother x

AcrossthePond55 · 29/06/2020 01:14

@Lewem

Glad you're with your mum and finding some peace. There's time enough to get your ducks in a row.

ClareBlue · 29/06/2020 01:38

You've said twice you were blissfully happy during lockdown. This was only 3 weeks ago, so it is 3 weeks of golf that had resulted in you telling him to leave from being blissfully happy. Is there any chance that the extreme golfing is just a reaction to non in lockdown and it might go to the acceptable levels after the initial blowout. Just asking, as saying you were blissfully happy 3 weeks ago to being at your mother's house is one big swing in a short period of time. Though his reaction to you telling him wouldn't give grounds for much hope.

Original poster
Lewem · 29/06/2020 07:00

[quote Bizawit]Hi OP, you sound like you have got your head screwed on and good on you for acting on this so quickly.

Just FYI- sperm donation isn’t your only option for having a baby. Coparenting is another option. I recommend this site : www.coparents.co.uk/?gclid=CjwKCAjw_-D3BRBIEiwAjVMy7FIQcyL3uXm7ereBOXEfMi2LTIeL5caKu2ZDLmx2m5Ul3Vohh7iRpxoCzxYQAvD_BwE[/quote]
Oh I did not know about this. Certainly something worth looking into! Thank you :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Lewem · 29/06/2020 07:03

@ClareBlue

You've said twice you were blissfully happy during lockdown. This was only 3 weeks ago, so it is 3 weeks of golf that had resulted in you telling him to leave from being blissfully happy. Is there any chance that the extreme golfing is just a reaction to non in lockdown and it might go to the acceptable levels after the initial blowout. Just asking, as saying you were blissfully happy 3 weeks ago to being at your mother's house is one big swing in a short period of time. Though his reaction to you telling him wouldn't give grounds for much hope.
@ClareBlue actually, golf courses opened uo on 13 May in the UK. As its a usually a single person sport, they were allowed to open up much sooner than some other places. I remember it well, the date is etched in my memory as the date my marriage went down the pan again!
OP posts:
Original poster
Lewem · 29/06/2020 07:06

@CatOnMyLap

OP, are you convinced he's definitely always playing golf- is there a chance he may be having an affair? 40 hours of golf a week is astonishing, and coupled with the aggression and defensiveness towards you, and being away when his own daughter is visiting, I just wondered if he is in fact hiding something else from you...?

Like everyone else on here I really feel for you and congratulate you for leaving. You've made a brave decision and will definitely be happier soon than you are now. I really hope you manage to have a child. You sound like you'd be a great mother x

I have never suspected an affair, I'm pretty intuitive so I reckon I'd know. The time he lied and told me he was working, I happened to be driving past the golf course on my way to take the dog out and sure enough his car was there. I honestly believe that the only thing he is cheating on me with is golf.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lewem · 29/06/2020 07:18

Just to top it all off, he sent me a text last night saying he wasn't even going to play golf yesterday..but I had told him it was over so what choice did he have?!!! (shock). I have not responded.

Does anyone else think he may have some sort of mental health issue? I'm not sure if its narcissim, or what you would call it, but that is definitely not a normal, healthy thought process. All I see him as now is a little toddler who has to have his own way no matter what. I'm shocked that a man could get to his 40's and not have developed a more mature attitude.

OP posts:
MadameOvary · 29/06/2020 07:51

OP, it doesn’t matter if he has MH issues or not, he’s an irredeemable arsehole who has fortunately shown you who he is soon enough for you to do something about it. Well done done for taking steps to ditch him.
As PP said beware of any attempts to blindside your with tears, pleading and promises of change. It won’t happen.
Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/06/2020 08:01

It's really not that uncommon, for men in the 40s (and younger, and older), to be more concerned with 'winning' and getting away with what they want, in their relationships, than in making those relationships work or their partners happy. Very common, in fact. Extreme selfishness and emotional immaturity in men is a pretty large proportion of normal.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 29/06/2020 08:13

His comment about what chouce did he have tells you all you have to know OP. Golf has taken over his brain and you no longer exist.

Seeing him as a petulant toddler is good. It's a defence mechanism.

Stay away. Use the advice here to sort everything in the background. He doesn't even seem to realise the crap that is coming out of his own mouth!

totalpeas22 · 29/06/2020 08:19

Can’t you get a hobby of your own?

Ponoka7 · 29/06/2020 08:26

totalpeas22
"Can’t you get a hobby of your own?"

How could you call what they will have a marriage? It would be more like a house share.

Gncq · 29/06/2020 08:41

I think a lot of men have some sort of arrested development that comes from the expectation that the world revolves around them. Who knows where it comes from. Who cares.

Mix56 · 29/06/2020 09:12

That is lying bollox, he had already panned to tee off at X hour with his friends. What choice did he have ? He could have called & said he's not coming, He could have made you tea, & come & talk to you about it, apologized & say he won't go to golf & will only play 3 times a week. Make amends, is what most mature people would do.

Peacocking · 29/06/2020 09:14

Expect lots of odd behaviour and changes of approach as he realises you're serious. When you move out, I'd be inclined not to tell him exactly when you're going, and to move out while he's not home taking all your most precious (to you) things to avoid friction and to ensure he doesn't try to stop you taking certain things just out of spite. In fact, tell him as little of your thoughts, plans and business as possible. Get legal advice ASAP. Maybe consider if you could put the pets into a good homestay for a couple of months, so they're safe and pampered and you can focus on getting settled and sorted out properly before bringing them to your new home.

I'd speak to the bank to ensure no debts can be created in the joint accounts as you cant close them without his agreement, if I remember rightly.

DorisLessingsCat · 29/06/2020 09:32

If you want to keep your house could you go direct to your LL and ask to end the tenancy and start a new one in your name only? You're the higher earner and the one who looks after the house, you sound like a better bet than him.

Sounds like your H is angry and lashing out. Time to go "grey rock". Don't doubt yourself. He's an arse.

RandomMess · 29/06/2020 09:34

No MH issues apart from utter entitlement! His commitment to you meant zero just as his commitment to his daughter and again the dog never did either.

BurtsBeesKnees · 29/06/2020 10:03

He could have chosen to come to your mums and discuss the issue line an adult. I think it's utter bollocks he'd decided not to play. He's just saying that so he doesn't look like the bad man. Utter tosh

Mumsykim3 · 29/06/2020 10:11

Totally unreasonable! Find your own hobby and if he can't stand that then he's selfish.

Original poster
Lewem · 29/06/2020 10:12

The nastiness has started already... his share of the bills money due today and didn't put it in, when he did it was short. His excuse...why should he pay anything towards the dog (dog walker fee's, food costs, pet insurance) when I have the dog with me. Ive just not bothered to respond its not worth it. Im very hurt though, expecting that he's going to make everything as difficult as possible for me :(

OP posts: