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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

699 replies

Lewem · 27/06/2020 18:57

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

OP posts:
Dougalthesyrianhamster · 28/06/2020 20:34

I agree with the plan above but with out the "October - Bam" bit Hmm Why 3 months? Why should OP have to go through another 3 months of this?
Op, you can leave the tenancy from the next payment date. Meanwhile get all finances sorted and then move to your Mums. Whilst browsing new homes (Help to Buy an option???)

Vedaisawesome · 28/06/2020 20:35

You married a golfer, you knew he had this hobby and yet you still married him. You can't complain. Just accept it and enjoy your own time. Compromise in that he plays Sundays only unless it's a competition, Wednesday roll up ( if his club has that) and gets to go on golf trips twice a year. It worked for me. I married a golfer. Best man at wedding joked there were three in our marriage and asked if the club's were coming on honeymoon too ( they weren't). I loved my Sunday mornings to myself, my weeks of solitude and peace when he was off on a trip and actually hate it now arthritis has forced him to stop playing. I joined him occasionally on Sunday afternoons up the club for drinks and we went to social events. You will have to learn to live with it for the sake of your marriage. Join in where you can, get your own hobby or just enjoy your own time. It's better for your marriage for each to have their own space and time.

Tappering · 28/06/2020 20:41

@Vedaisawesome if you read the OP's posts you'll see that he only took this up shortly before the wedding. And that she's tried to get him to compromise and he flatly refuses. I'm not sure how projecting your own experience - where you are fine with it - is helpful for the OP when she's not ok. She barely has a marriage because he's never there.

DreamTheMoors · 28/06/2020 20:47

@Lewem

Switch your hobby from going to the gym to shopping.
When hubby complains, say, “you have your hobby - I’ve got mine.”
Or choose something that will really irk him. Who does the housework? You? Stop. Who does the yardwork? You? Stop.
Fight fire with fire or expect nothing to change. DH is being extremely unreasonable - as if he’s doing drugs in secret instead of playing golf. Lying is lying, isn’t it? Does it matter what it’s about? Red flags dot the field - beware!

Vedaisawesome · 28/06/2020 20:54

@Tappering She married him knowing he like to play golf, doesn't matter how long he'd had the hobby, she knew about it and had time to either accept him as the person he is or walk away. Projecting my experience was only done to help OP see some way through, she might find it helpful even if you don't think it is. She just has to find the right compromise with her husband that works for them..

Livpool · 28/06/2020 20:55

Well done OP

Original poster
Lewem · 28/06/2020 20:56

You married a golfer, you knew he had this hobby and yet you still married him. You can't complain. Just accept it and enjoy your own time. That is totally incorrect @Vedaisawesome ..he didn't play at all when I met him. He did however used to play professionally about ten years before we met. A couple of years into our relationship we just got talking one night about how much he used to enjoy it and how it helped his confidence, so I said why don't you start playing again? He's far from professional now but plays for the county.. I am really happy for him to have that but it is out of control. 6 days a week for 4-8 hours each time, plus a full time job? I can't see how any newlywed wife could be OK with that. I am living in his neck of the woods away from all my family and friends, which was a sacrifice I made to be with him, and for what? To be left alone 6 days/nights a week for 'HOBBY'. He knows I'm not OK with it but doesn't care...I tell him I dfeel lonely and he says that's not his problem!

OP posts:
Dougalthesyrianhamster · 28/06/2020 20:57

@Vedaisawesome You are being extremely unhelpful

randomer · 28/06/2020 20:58

" You married a golfer"....oh please. *8 hours, I think not.

Ginfordinner · 28/06/2020 21:00

I tell him I feel lonely and he says that's not his problem!

My heart broke when you wrote that. You deserve so much better Flowers

YoTeQuieroInfinito · 28/06/2020 21:03

I tell him I feel lonely and he says that's not his problem!

This guy just sounds worse and worse. You're well shot of him OP.

Original poster
Lewem · 28/06/2020 21:04

We have been together 4 years, the first two years, no golf at all, then slowly started playing a bit and a couple of months before the wedding started playing more. Then, we married in the May last year and by August he was going away to play golf every couple of weeks. We were already married at that point. I was devastated and told him at the end of the season if the next year was like that then I would leave him. Then winter came, then COVID..so no golf,. We were blissfully happy. Then all of a sudden, the golf opened up again and just like that he was back to his old ways. Lying to me and trying to decide me to go out and play golf. We had a compromise of 3 times a week that we MUTUALLY agreed to and he's not stuck to it once. The county matches are every 3 weeks on a Saturday so I totally understand that, and I also would be fine with a couple of times a week to practice, but all the other times he's just playing friendly games with his mates. Acting like a single man basically. For now I'm at my mums, just trying to relax a bit and forget about him for now, I know its over but need to work out the best way forward. I want to buy a property so I'm going to look into that :) Thank you to all for such support and advice.

OP posts:
Abs2010 · 28/06/2020 21:09

@Vedaisawesome I don't think you've read any of the thread at all! Op has said she's willing to allow him to play three days a week at around 5 hours a session (roughly), I hardly think that's being unreasonable.
Plus more importantly, he's not doing that, he's going almost daily and deliberately going when they have plans to spite @Lewem. This is a completely different situation to yours! If you're going to offer advice at least bother to read what's been going on.

@Lewem I really hope things get easier for you, there has been lots of really great advice from other posters on here. Take some time to think about what's best for you before taking action. It's clearly a rubbish situation to be in.

MuddlingThrough1724 · 28/06/2020 21:10

There's been some great advice on how to make sure you move on ASAP as your DH is a prize idiot, and selfish to boot.

Wonder if he would appreciate this...

www.instagram.com/p/CB-57UzpL2N/?igshid=1yduxty99pfd Clear and to the point at least given he won't even enter in to a discussion about something as important as his marriage.

Get your solicitor and fertility clinic appointments lined up ASAP. I have a friend who decided at 40 to have a child - she didn't have a partner and went it alone. Her daughter is delightful, and although tired, her mum is happy and fulfilled. X

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 28/06/2020 21:17

Just read your update that you told him you would move you if things didn’t change this year. They didn’t change. You really do have to follow through on that now, as nothing you ever say will hold weight again otherwise.

WingBingo · 28/06/2020 21:42

@Lewem I think you are awesome. Not many people would have the courage to do wha you have just done.

Good luck Flowers

DreamTheMoors · 28/06/2020 21:55

@Lewem, I’m proud of you for seeing thru the lies, the gaslighting, the selfishness and the immaturity.

Remember - no one gets married anticipating a divorce, but shit happens. It’s time for you to bloom and I wish you the best. Look forward, not backward and be good to yourself.
Much love. 😘

HannaYeah · 28/06/2020 21:58

Even in his response he sounds like a child.

“I’d never do this to you.”
“I’ll never forgive you”

Just add, “mummy” at the end of each and it sounds like the words of a four year old not getting his way.

I hope you’ll eventually tell him that he knew you were unhappy and lonely and just didn’t care to make any changes. A marriage is a partnership, and he’s abdicated his role.

Lovely13 · 28/06/2020 22:17

I’m reckoning golf. I was a golf orphan.

PenelopePitstop49 · 28/06/2020 22:23

I think it's great you've got some space to get your head sorted.

Some men are just selfish pricks. I think I married one too most of the time Confused.

Doing something about it takes courage. I have a funny feeling that you'll do just fine, OP - it can only get better Flowers

Bizawit · 28/06/2020 22:41

Hi OP, you sound like you have got your head screwed on and good on you for acting on this so quickly.

Just FYI- sperm donation isn’t your only option for having a baby. Coparenting is another option. I recommend this site : www.coparents.co.uk/?gclid=CjwKCAjw_-D3BRBIEiwAjVMy7FIQcyL3uXm7ereBOXEfMi2LTIeL5caKu2ZDLmx2m5Ul3Vohh7iRpxoCzxYQAvD_BwE

sunshinesky · 28/06/2020 22:47

I’m sorry you’re going through this but you’re handling it brilliantly. Be glad you’ve seen what he’s like after only a year of marriage - you could have wasted so much longer. Good luck Flowers

Chilledchablis · 28/06/2020 22:48

I left my husband of 25 years and have never looked back. He was addicted to work, golf and alcohol and I didn't seem to feature much at all but his dad was pretty similar so he probably thought that was just how things should be. I now have a lovely DH who cares about what I like to do and vice versa. Life is too short and I should have cut and run long before I did. Good luck but you will be fine - and happyGrin

Tootletum · 28/06/2020 22:50

Explain to him how getting a decree nisi works and offer to do the online quick process. That way it'll take less time out of his golf schedule.

whoisjoe · 28/06/2020 22:52

One of the many reasons I divorced ex was because he refused to cut down golf. He spent all his spare time on golf, leaving DD and I lonely. It became an obsession

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