Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

[Lewem]

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

All this sounds so familiar. My now XH took up running....and cycling. Every evening and weekend he was out.

I was home with the DC. He had the audacity to say that l was basically boring as l didn't "do" anything.... no shit Sherlock - someone had to look after the DC

It impeded more and more, to the extent family day's out were planned around his hobbies. As soon as we arrived somewhere he would be itching to leave again.

After over 20yrs together we are now divorced. He left me for a running/cycling enthusiast.

I really don't see any future for you if your marriage is like this already.

My XH also had...and has even more now...debts. Unsurprisingly he always found the money for new running shoes or a new bike.

My 40th was a classic too. He took the day off work and we went out for lunch.

He then said as we've been out for lunch I'll go out cycling....and off he went. It was just another ploy to be able to go and do what he wanted.

haven't read all posts but am assuming golf is the hobby ... golf is extremely time consuming then hours in the bar ...networking ... 🙄 ... my EX ... played off scratch and I am selfish .. or so i was told

All new posters who haven't RTFT - yawn - SHE'S LEFT HIM ALREADY!

Two things have crept in today, @Lewem.

1. "his parents are round the corner"
2. "The main reason we were renting was due to his debt issues"

And a third that I overlooked

1. "He also has a teenage child from that relationship... he even goes out to golf when she comes to stay"

Right now he wants you to move out and him to stay, but then he probably expects you to cook and clean for him still. When he realises that he'll have to feed himself and do his own washing - is it possible he'll take himself to his mummy's for her to look after poor likkle diddums? And purely as an aside, given that you found this house; is there any possibility you were manipulated into choosing somewhere round the corner? It's quite a coincidence otherwise.

And - he's got debt issues. And he's married a woman who brings in a good salary, more than his. Another coincidence. Do you know how he got these debts? You say his "job is flexible" - flexible enough to drop his hours to a point he's run up debts?

He golfed "long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him." How long before you met? I'd assumed years, but - his parents live near a golf course (near enough to use it), he moved to another address near that same golf course, and within months of marrying he's obsessively playing. How did you suggesting he 'start it up again' come about? He's in his 40's and "is part of a county team" which suggests a fairly good standard to me; if he 'started it up again' less than a year ago and is playing at that level - how long was he not playing? Because I'm starting to think that it hasn't been long at all. Just long enough to woo you. And now with his well-earning wife and his flexible job, he can let rip. Indeed, he let rip "after two months of marriage where he went away for a week here and there on golf trips".

His daughter - well that's just piss-poor that he walks out on her in the time he has for contact , meant to maintain the relationship between child and non-resident parent. As he does to you, neglecting to maintain his marriage. How did she feel about it? I'm wondering if she was well used to him doing that.

I know I can be cynical but given how quickly your marriage has gone tits up, I wonder if the only thing being played here is golf. I think you might have been played too, @Lewem. And you should maybe keep that in mind when he tries to browbeat or weep you into not divorcing his selfish arse.

Hard as this is for you better to have happened now. Even my XH wasn’t as bad as this in the early years but he too would have gone this morning to play to make sure I understood he did as he saw fit and was the one in control.

The expression "golf widow" came about for a reason....

Some people might enjoy the time apart that you get when someone has a time consuming hobby. As long as he's not spending all his time playing golf with another woman!

I remember reading an article about how to pick a husband who would never cheat on you, and the top tip was find someone so obsessed by a hobby that he didn't have any eyes for other women. Even admitting that makes me sound like a dinosaur.

But obviously you don't thrive on being apart, you want to be together. This combined with his unpreparedness to compromise doesn't bode well at the moment.

I'm not sure if it's the end, but compromise and honesty will be needed at some point to save you from misery.

Good luck.

Xxxx

@WhereYouLeftIt wow that’s a very astute observation

OP I would listen to what this poster has said.... she makes a fair point!

Its so boring when people don't specifically say what the hobby is. Thousands of people will be doing the same one, why the secrecy?

I'm sorry you are going through this, but you are doing the right thing. Life is to short I got divorced 5 years ago its hard but you will come out the other end and feel so much better and free. I have met someone new breath of fresh air. Lots of love xx ❤

Good luck xx

I would leave. Can you go home? See how he feels about that.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work, very selfish, unpleasant when challenged, and refusing to leave the home that you've put effort into.

It's painful now but I think that once the relationship is over and you've gone your separate ways, you'll be glad that he revealed his true colours early on, before you got pregnant. The silver lining is that you can still end this marriage without too much collateral damage.

The tenancy situation is tricky because you're still in the fixed term, and you can't end the tenancy early (or change it into one person's name only) without the agreement of the landlord and both tenants. In theory you could apply to court for a transfer of tenancy, but it's not worth doing that for the sake of the last few months you have left before October.

Do bear in mind that if one of you moves out, you are both still jointly and severally liable for the rent until the tenancy ends.

Is there any chance of trying mediation to reach an agreement about the tenancy? At least if the two of you could agree, you would then be able to approach the landlord to request that the tenancy is transferred into just one name - and if they won't do it before October, they should agree to it from October onwards (otherwise you can easily end the tenancy at that point).

There is some general info here about tenancies when ending a relationship - it doesn't tell you exactly what to do but it's a starting point:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/if-you-were-living-together/what-happens-to-your-home-when-you-separate/

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/relationship_breakdown_ending_a_joint_tenancy

You'll need legal advice about the divorce and financial settlement anyway, so you should probably get that now and ask about the tenancy issue. Ask your local Citizens Advice about local solicitors (some do actually offer a free initial consultation, it's not just a mumsnet myth!) and consider calling the Rights of Women family law helpline.

PS I would close all joint accounts ASAP.

@Casschops it's golf. The OP revealed it at the start of the thread and the word 'golf' has been mentioned in at least 250 of the posts on this thread, so even a quick skim through the thread would have told you what the hobby was.

It's so boring when people don't read the thread.

@FizzyGreenWater
Great advice OP.

@WhereYouLeftIt
This is exactly what screams to me....OP has been totally played.

Absolutely NO WAY he has developed a golf habit like that so quickly...

Also true is the prick has totally shown his hand way too quickly.

OP, his stupidity is such a gift.

I believe you have been targeted for all your attributes.

Be relieved you don't have neither a house nor child with him.

Follow the above advice.
Move to a spare room.
Empty the house of things you care about.
Do absolutely NOTHING for him.
Do NOT look after HIS child. Absent yourself.
Protect yourself financially by getting the best advice.
He is an absolute looser.
Be glad you have found him out so quickly.

OP as a divorcee, please move any money that you have in savings, give to your mum, get your mum to open an account in her name and move your money once set up (if you trust your mum implicitly).

See a solicitor, get your separation date on file, take advice. But do not have your divorce filed for 12 months. You have to disclose financial information for the last 12 months from the date you file.

"You will be busy researching new property and moving, the divorce was not your priority."

As your marriage is short, in legal terms, you should leave the marriage with whatever you brought to it, but moving any money will be a wise move. (I was given this advice by a friend, it was invaluable).

Life is short, look forward, not back. You will go through a whole range of emotions, and grieve for your marriage, of what should have been. It's all perfectly normal. You have given your marriage your best. You also do not need anyone's permission to leave.

Good luck for the future.

Best of luck OP.

As Queenie says, you will grieve for your marriage and what might have been, but better to finish now.

You still have time to make a new life whether or not it includes children.

You can open an account online with first direct tonight, and get your wages paid into it.

Also how about (in an ideal world) the pets stay at your mums, you stay at your mums at weekends & Mon-Fri you stay near work, by getting a room on spare room.com

Bluebiddy - are you being serious? Hijacking a thread to bump your own is bloody ride, but doing it on a thread where someone posting for help because their marriage is ending shows a level of breathtaking selfishness - especially as your 'problem' is pretty minor. . Suggest you offer the OP an apology.

Luckily the posts got deleted sharpish! I've never seen anything so cheeky on here!

Document what has happened for your own records. Ideally he can read it too. Stare facts like you suggesting he take up golf as you were thinking he might enjoy it again, having joint responsibility of your dog but that currently isn’t being shared equally, housework isn’t shared equally, you both agreed to golf three times a week and that wasn’t kept, when you raised issue there was no acceptance of it or wish to remedy it but instead just accusations of it being your fault.
Document what you would like:

1. To love someone who loves you and who doesn’t have to begrudgingly spend time with you when they would rather be at golf.
2. Be with someone who cares enough to listen to how you are feeling.
3. To be with someone who doesn’t tell you that you should behave like other wives.
4. To be with someone who is mature enough to have a conversation about your relationship.

Don’t give in just because it is “easiest” as that is what he wants. Women’s Aid are a good source of information for keeping yourself protected financially. He is controlling you by turning everything you suggest into you being the cause of the problem. They can advise you in how best to protect yourself emotionally in the months ahead. Good luck.

@Lewem You can take your name off the Tenancy. From that point, you will have no further liability

So sorry you’ve found yourself saddled with a selfish bastard. Sadly, I don’t think he is going to change, and from his reaction, his obsession with his hobby is the thin end of the wedge.
You’ve had some good advice from people, which I think you’d be wise to follow - it will be tough in the short term but it will be worth it, so take it and carve a happy new life for yourself.