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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

699 replies

Lewem · 27/06/2020 18:57

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 28/06/2020 14:55

You probably know this already, but if you want to buy somewhere then wait until the divorce is finalised, that way it will be yours and he won't have any claim on it.

Mix56 · 28/06/2020 14:58

he isn't keen to buy nearer your parents, as he is comfy near his family & the gold course.
Just How much does he spend on this golf ???? & he has debt ?....

Mix56 · 28/06/2020 15:01

"Golf", soz

lottiegarbanzo · 28/06/2020 15:11

Well you know you've tried your best and he's actively chosen to end it, so there's no room for 'if only I'd...' regrets there, which is excellent.

He's played his hand too soon really. He should have waited until you were on mat leave or back at work (possibly PT) after, more dependent on his income, less willing to 'break up a family'.

He's done you a huge favour by showing so very clearly who he his, so soon.

Do you think he's a bit obsessive, non-committal and uninterested in real relationships, so that you were 'the hobby' for a while, while things were new and exciting? Then, once you were married, you paled into reliable, everyday 'her indoors'.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 28/06/2020 15:43

What a horrible situation. He's an addict it's as simple as that. Nothing can come between him and his addiction. I'd just keep reiterating that when you talk to him. He's lost you. He'll lose his daughter. Bloody golf.

Eddielzzard · 28/06/2020 16:13

Who does the housework, washing and cooking?

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 28/06/2020 17:06

You keep talking about going to work- are you a key worker? Just that it’s unusual for people to be working out of the home at the moment unless their jobs can’t be done from home. Employers are much more flexible re WFH now.

mumda · 28/06/2020 17:21

Beekeeping?

catface1 · 28/06/2020 17:31

Get rid of him now for good - you have already wasted too much of your life on him.

LittleMissMe99 · 28/06/2020 17:40

Does he cook meth?

Suewiththeredford · 28/06/2020 17:42

LittleMissMe99 that’s an unusual suggestion. I’m interested to hear how they form county teams for meth cook-offsGrin

cameocat · 28/06/2020 17:47

Can you start looking for work back in the area you are from? Then when you are ready you can move?

Glad your parents are collecting you.

murakamilove · 28/06/2020 17:53

My husband is a golf pro - you have my sympathies? I took it up too? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Cooltalkin · 28/06/2020 17:54

I doubt you are going to waver and go back but just in case ...
please go and read this other thread running on AIBU
‘To refuse to be on demand childcare for DP’s hobby?’

This will be your life if you stay
But you sound more than capable of walking away from his shit and having a happy future , wishing you the best

onlinelinda · 28/06/2020 17:54

I think staying in the house until October is a terrible idea. You'll risk weakening and changing your mind, but that man is definitely not a keeper. Freddie is right, he has nothing to gain by you going-the set up suits him perfectly as it's all on his terms

Move into a room or ask your co workers if anyone wants a 3 month lodger. At the worst, maybe your parents could take the dog. Move any savings you have immediately.

.

Lamaitresse · 28/06/2020 18:04

Haven’t read the thread but surely if he wants to play golf and chooses to do that then you can’t force him to be with you? The more you try to control what he does the more he’ll want to do it in my opinion.
My husband plays golf, and does jujitsu five times a week. He is happy, and I am happy because he’s happy. I would not tell him to stop doing this because I have no right to stop anyone doing something they love. He would be miserable then, his sports make him really happy and it makes our time together better because he’s content in his life.
My dh also goes off for 3-4 hours every Sunday (our only full day together) and this is fine with me.
Every couple works differently, this is what works for us.

DisobedientHamster · 28/06/2020 18:08

Jesus wept! Divorce and don't look back. Fuck the house, it's rented. You'll get another one. And he's already got a kid? Now you know why his relationship with his child's mother ended; next time, run a mile from a man with kids, there's a reason why their ex had enough of them.

Dump anyone with an all-encompassing hobby.

This guy's a weapons grade cunt.

Motoko · 28/06/2020 18:11

As your marriage is a short one (under 2 years), usually, the courts try to put you back to the financial position you started with, so he may not be entitled to half your savings. A solicitor will be able to clarify this. You need to make getting legal advice a priority. Do it before he does, so you know where you stand legally, and he won't be able to fob you off with lies to his advantage.

Give the housing charity Shelter a ring to find out your rights regarding the house, whether you stay or go.

I'm glad you're going to your mum's. Was moving to be near his family, his idea? I think you should have a look for jobs near your family. It will make things easier if you have support close by.

Babbaboo · 28/06/2020 18:14

Wow. I honestly thought someone had listened into my conversation!. So let me tell you this will not get better & please do not have a child with this man. I have a child & it makes things very much harder to leave. My dh hobbie is gaming. We also have had councilling who suggested the same thing as you have been advised. I’m here to say it won’t work if he really isn’t committed & I would say your dh is the same not committed. I would love to chat to you privately as I can give you so much advice. We are 1 year on from the councilling & unless you get a hobbie of your own you wil always have these feelings I can tell you. Please please don’t have a child as you will resent him even more but have the child to consider in it all. Don’t do what I have done!

Rachand23 · 28/06/2020 18:14

Leave him for a week or so, if you can and tell him you are seriously considering ending this marriage as it’s not going anywhere.

CorianderLord · 28/06/2020 18:17

I'd tell him that if he doesn't limit it to the three days then I'd leave him. I didn't get married to be alone.

Weebleonaworkout · 28/06/2020 18:20

Simple really, leave him. This will not get any better for you and it'll only be harder to leave him the longer you leave it. If he's lying to you already and you've hand counselling after 1 year of marriage I think you probably realise this already. Nobody would set out to end a marriage after such a short time and it does really sound like you've tried. He clearly hasn't and sees you as a bit of a pushover. Children with this guy would see you completely isolated and reliant on him. Don't do this to yourself. He is not worthy. Good luck.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 28/06/2020 18:20

What DisobedientHamster said

crosseyedMary · 28/06/2020 18:22

Don’t do what I have done
this thread is sounding like a modern version of 'house of the rising sun'!

CallmeBadJanet · 28/06/2020 18:26

Ask him why he wanted to get married. Nobody needs to spend 24 hours together, but you need to be heading in the same direction, together. If he thought he could continue his hobby, while someone else sat at home (lonely, bored, responsible for all the domestic crap), then he's a user.