Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

[Lewem]

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

Found decorated and made into a home
You can make another home🏠
but if he wants a cosy nest from which to launch his adventures he will have to trick another woman into being his servant

I think you need to get him to make the decision over the house. Either he takes over the tenancy formally and you leave, or you take it and he leaves. Speak to your landlord and get this sorted.

Definitely having a strop because his housekeeper has turned bolshie. Poor lamb.

As pp's have said, once he realises you're serious, be prepared for waterworks/pleading/sudden MH issues from him. Stay strong and look towards a better future without him.

The golf thing sounds obsessive.

@Lewem
Before you go to your mums, get yourself a folder of paperwork to take and keep with you. Bank details, house contract, bills, car, dog insurance etc.
Not saying he’ll be vindictive but at least you’ll have the paperwork safe (it’s a bitch to replace).

Good luck, stay strong

OP, I wonder what his golfing career will look like without you there to be his ever compliant servant🤔
Without you there to do the donkey work so that he can be the star ⭐
I wonder what's going to happen to his precious hobby now?

That's why he's gone off in such a strop ....his nice cushy life where he gets everything he wants is under threat

Yes, I would let the house go. Think about it: you would be far better off in the medium term finding somewhere smaller - or even, is it at all possible that you could buy??

The pets are a problem but you must look at the longer term. Don't get saddled with a bigger rental you actually don't need because of the details. Could your mum take on the dog in the short term??

Meanwhile, get in touch with all the providers and explain that you'll be taking your name off bills soon as leaving the property but your partner will be staying - so you need to change them over legally but he may cause issues. They must have experienced this before. Get ready to contact the landlord the INSTANT you come off the tenancy and ask for a copy of the new tenancy/proof you're going, then you send HIS bank details and proof of address and proof that you're no longer at the address - etc.

Don't tell him any of this - he'll start making it difficult, eg by stopping transferring money to the joint account. If needs be, let him think it's all died down and you've got over your huff while you plan - it is so much easier.

Then - October - BAM.

• tenancy is up, you give notice immediately (it's one month)
• you already have a storage unit in place
• you take exactly half of all furniture in a van when he's at work, nicely inventorised so half value - but of course you take the things you love and especially the things you bought/restored. Present him with the list and say you're quite happy if he disagrees with it and wants to take you to court over having the sideboard instead of the sofa. Be seemingly generous - leave the easily replaceable bed, take the chaise longue you both love ('Of course I've left the most expensive items, you will need the bed, I wouldn't leave you stuck :) )

• you leave to your mum's or wherever for the notice period OR to your new place if ready. Really start searching for options/pet friendlys/options for your pets in the short term.

• Get yourself straight off all bills and send his proof of address and bank details to all providers

• Be ready to serve divorce papers instantly.

You might find it difficult to start with sperm donation while still technically married? - I don't know. But yes - spend your 40th looking into it. Best present ever...

He won't know what's hit him.

He won't know what hit him
Except you have already tipped him off as to what you are intending, so going forward be STRATEGIC
think about what's in YOUR long-term best interests

Let the house go. You made it into a home for both of you so it will only serve to remind you of him and the sad times.
Find somewhere new for you, your pets and hopefully future child and build a new home with only happy memories.

@FizzyGreenWater

Yes, I would let the house go. Think about it: you would be far better off in the medium term finding somewhere smaller - or even, is it at all possible that you could buy??

The pets are a problem but you must look at the longer term. Don't get saddled with a bigger rental you actually don't need because of the details. Could your mum take on the dog in the short term??

Meanwhile, get in touch with all the providers and explain that you'll be taking your name off bills soon as leaving the property but your partner will be staying - so you need to change them over legally but he may cause issues. They must have experienced this before. Get ready to contact the landlord the INSTANT you come off the tenancy and ask for a copy of the new tenancy/proof you're going, then you send HIS bank details and proof of address and proof that you're no longer at the address - etc.

Don't tell him any of this - he'll start making it difficult, eg by stopping transferring money to the joint account. If needs be, let him think it's all died down and you've got over your huff while you plan - it is so much easier.

Then - October - BAM.

• tenancy is up, you give notice immediately (it's one month)
• you already have a storage unit in place
• you take exactly half of all furniture in a van when he's at work, nicely inventorised so half value - but of course you take the things you love and especially the things you bought/restored. Present him with the list and say you're quite happy if he disagrees with it and wants to take you to court over having the sideboard instead of the sofa. Be seemingly generous - leave the easily replaceable bed, take the chaise longue you both love ('Of course I've left the most expensive items, you will need the bed, I wouldn't leave you stuck :) )

• you leave to your mum's or wherever for the notice period OR to your new place if ready. Really start searching for options/pet friendlys/options for your pets in the short term.

• Get yourself straight off all bills and send his proof of address and bank details to all providers

• Be ready to serve divorce papers instantly.

You might find it difficult to start with sperm donation while still technically married? - I don't know. But yes - spend your 40th looking into it. Best present ever...

He won't know what's hit him.

I love this... sounds like a great plan.

I have wanted to buy for a long time..we kind of had a deal that in about a year we would buy a house nearer to my friends and family... he reluctantly agreed, although whenever I would bring it up he'd say how unhappy he was about it. He has nothing saved towards it as yet but I do...I don't know what I'll be able to afford by myself but its worth having a look. The main reason we were renting was due to his debt issues so it will be nice to not have to worry about that.

As for the three months in between, its not going to be easy but I suppose the only option is to co-habit. It would be great if he just moved out and I could stay here on my own until October, but its highly unlikely he will. It' s all been handed to him on a plate here, a ready made house.

I can't believe someone could be so selfish and uncaring when I feel like I've literally poured my heart and soul into this marriage. What a waste of time.

So you are the higher earner, you are sensible with money whereas he has debt and yet he still acts like the prima donna and gets you to be his servant??

He reluctantly agrees to buy a property with you😳
this is just tactics on his part, he's pretending to be reluctant but he knows that he's onto a cushy number with you

I can't believe someone could be so selfish and uncaring when I feel like I've literally poured my heart and soul into this marriage. What a waste of time.

But you did try to make it work OP, and at least you've seen the light after one year, not 20.

Once you stop not doing his washing and cooking, you may find that he is less reluctant to move out. He may choose to go back to his parents where his mummy can look after him!

With regard to the joint account, make sure you are only putting in enough to cover any outgoings, make sure there is no overdraft facility. If your salary is paid in there, get that changed asap.

I second moving anything valuable from your home that can be transported to your parents for safe keeping.

You poured your heart and soul and he thought 'there's more where that came from'
He's not a cooperator, he's an exploiter

@KatherineJaneway

You keep calling it a hobby OP but, if he's playing at County level, then it is far more to him than that and not something that he can ration.

I agree your only option is to split. Golf is clearly a big part of his life and if that does not work for you, then it is best to move on and not play second fiddle to some clubs and a ball. Good luck

one poster mentioned her dh was a pro golfer and didn't play as much as op dh.

If you have savings and he doesn't and he has debts ... you need legal advice asap.

If you said "Well, if you're keeping the house then you'll need to keep all the pets too since it will be near impossible to find a place as suitable for them as this, so they will be your responsibility", would he think twice about staying? I guess the only problem would be him calling your bluff since he's not really a suitable carer for the dog. At any rate, I suspect you need to begin searching for a new place right away.

I agree with stopping ALL domestic 'services', that's really why he's so upset you're leaving, he's losing his 'comfy life'. Also agree with speaking to the LL about renewing the tenancy in your name only. Do that NOW, before he does. If the LL says they cannot do that, then be sure they know NOT to renew the joint lease, that either you OR he will be renewing as a sole tenant. I'm assuming you do, but does your DH earn enough to qualify for sole tenancy? When would you have to give notice? 30 days?

And IMO you should open an account in your name only and direct your salary to it. And also be prepared for him to stop putting money in the joint account for the next 3 months to 'punish' you. And tell him that if he is going keep the house, he will need to move forward right now with putting ALL bills his his name as you will no longer be responsible for them once the tenancy ends, and in fact you will be giving notice to the companies involved to shut off services/cancel contracts.

It's time to get 'hard'. Look after your own stuff and make sure he understands that he'll have to be doing that, too.

I knew it'd be golf.

Fizzy water has it sorted for you.
Down tools, do nothing, go out when his daughter is due a visit.

The savings might be a problem. They're joint assets. Is it a lot? Does he have access to them? Does he know what is in there?

See a solicitor. You shouldn't be liable for his personal debt, but he is probably entitled to half the savings - it might be different if financial issues are one of your 'unreasonable behaviour' points. If he's squandering and staying in debt while you are saving, so effectively you are covering more than half and you can prove that - you might get a clean break? Depends on whether you've got £10k in there or £75k!

If it's more like 10k, you might want to think about: taking out sums in cash and keeping them aside for your moving costs, new rent etc. Then replacing those sums with money from the savings and using those to pay bills and rent. That way, less of what you've visibly 'saved' will be there for him to claim half of. If I knew that he'd not contributed a penny to those savings I'd have no compunction in trying to reduce the visible amount he'd be entitled to in any way I could!

Oh and yes ANYTHING else that will reduce the savings visibly - take money from there, not your personal account.

Dog sitter extras because he's left you in the lurch? From savings.

Garage costs? From savings.

He complains 'I thought we had more in there' - you reply, in writing, 'Well you probably would, it must be hard for you to keep a grasp on it because you've never contributed from your earnings? I put the money in,. but I often have to take some out to cover extra costs'

'

It' s all been handed to him on a plate here, a ready made house.
Well it has so far, but you can change that any moment. Forget his washing, cook for one, leave for the day before his daughter arrives (oh I thought you’d want to spend time together )

He has clearly changed his mind about the marriage. His actions speak more loudly than his words. Clearly, it's very convenient for him to have a live-in cook, maid and housekeeper who also works a 40hr week and pays the rent and bills!

But he has left you, to all intents and purposes. Think about it: he is walking away from you, the marriage and all the promises he made to you. He loves his life and he loves his golf but sadly, he doesn't love you.

Get the legal advice, unreasonable behaviour is the grounds, open the new bank account so only you share of the bills goes in. The marriage is short so he won't be able to come after your savings or pension. You don't own shared property or have children so undoing it should be relatively simple. It can be a quick, clean break.

Remember, it takes two people to keep a marriage alive but only one to end it.

If you need to, just tell him all this is the consequence of his choices. Had you known he intended to spend 80 hours a week off with his hobby, you would never have married him!

Ignore the nonsense about all the other wives being happy. Has he asked them, or only their husbands?!