Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

[Lewem]

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

What a fucking arsehole.

Is there anywhere at all that you could go with the dog? Even just a huge walk with a packed lunch?

If not, maybe hang around until the afternoon, let the dog out for the toilet, and then head out on your own? That way you know the dog has been seen to recently and your DH will be back in the evening to let him out again.

Of course he would 'never leave you' (except in the sense that he already has since he doesn't engage in the marriage in a meaningful way). He has a good marriage that suits him, nobody leaves that. You're the one with the shit marriage.

Tomorrow, ring some solicitors. If you speak to the landlord about renewing the tenancy in your name only, the solicitor might be able to tell you if you've got a case for an occupation order, meaning the courts will tell him he has to leave. He's being abusive now, and gaslighting you, so that will give more weight to your story.

So, your jobs for tomorrow, are:
Ring solicitors
Ring landlord.

Stop doing anything for him, washing, cooking, etc, and ignore any outbursts or sulks. He is punishing you, for having the audacity to say you're ending the marriage, because he thinks you should put up and shut up, but now you're ruining his cushty life. Just ignore, don't try to justify or explain, he won't listen.

He's not going to play nicely so I'm afraid you need to toughen up a bit and got your shit sorted. Today phone anyone who you trust to keep their mouths shut who has divorced well and get some names and numbers and tomorrow get on the case and make appointments with 2 or 3.

Stop expecting him to change. Expect it to get worse.

Stop doing anything for him, washing, cooking, etc, and ignore any outbursts or sulks. He is punishing you, for having the audacity to say you're ending the marriage, because he thinks you should put up and shut up, but now you're ruining his cushty life. Just ignore, don't try to justify or explain, he won't listen.

All of this.

Disengage, disengage completely now.

You've made your decision and that's all he needs to know for now.

If he suddenly wants to talk calmly say you asked to talk previously when you let him know your decision but his response was to disappear and leave you without transport or any information about his whereabouts for the whole day.

So the window for talking has passed and you'll be making your own arrangements, letting him know anything that is relevant to him.

Cold, not shouty.

Calm, not panicky.

Disengaged, not sharing food / washing etc.

As regards emotional energy, expect nothing from him and give nothing to him.

Do not get emotional in front of him. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

Cold, calm, resolute.

It will be so worth it.

And lawyer up!

I'd spend the day moving your stuff into the spare room , cooking dinner for one and checking out the relationships boards on here for advice on "getting your ducks in a row".
This exactly, plus call the dog walker and ask what extra capacity they have and book a few days. You need to househunt as it doesn’t sound like you will fight him for the house (but you should try). Call landlord /agency and explain the relationship is ending, ask if either of you can take the other off the tenancy or how that would work.

I agree with all the advice EXCEPT if your intention is to try to keep the tenancy and get him to leave, take today to move his stuff to the spare room. Start as you mean to go on.

If all your support network is miles away would it be better to move back there than stay where you are and take over the rental of a property in an area that isn’t working for you.

if he comes back all contrite do not accept it. He might cut down on golf for a few months probably enough time to get you pregnant and trapped and go back to his old ways

If his parents live round the corner can he not fuck off there? Do you get on with the in laws? Can you speak to MIL and tell her why you're splitting up, that you HAVE to stay in the house because of the dog and he doesn't earn enough to keep up the rent so can they come and collect his belongings please?

Thanks everyone, Ive spoken to my mum who is going drive across and pick me (and the dog) up, to go and stay there. Its not ideal, and will only work for a night or two, but I just feel like I need to get the hell out of here and away from him to clear my head. From there I'll hopefully decide what to do next. Its hard because my family and friends are not here but my job is. I need to keep my job as its o well paid, but I also need the support. Part of me thinks why should he get to stay in the house that I found, decorated and made into a home, but then the other half of me thinks just let it go. I have a lot to figure out but for new I just need to be around people who nurture me a bit.

Good luck, be kind to yourself!

Do you have any joint bank/savings accounts? If you do, now is the time to move your share out and think about closing the accounts down. He sounds like the sort to clear them and then run up debts/overdrafts just to spite you.

I would contact your landlord and explain the situation to see whether you can renew your tenancy asap with just you named. Do not tell him you are doing this until it is all signed. It may even be worth letting him think that you are both moving out and only tell him at the last moment that you are staying.

So glad you're taking action Lewem and that your mum is coming to get you. I hope you start to feel better and clearer soon once you're away from him.

The reason he won't have an adult discussion about the problems in your relationship is that he knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on, the only way that he can try and win here is by throwing a hissy fit and trying to make you feel guilty
You just need to try and not react to this, don't get defensive or upset just shrug and leave him to it🤷‍♀️

We rent through an estate agency, so not sure whether that changes anything? I was just under the impression that when its a joint tenancy, neither of us can kick the other out

Yes we have a joint bank account but he only puts his share in for the bills.. other than the rent which is in joint names, everything is in my name!!

You need to open your own bank account tomorrow and get your salary paid into that. This is a priority.

So in spite of you trying to discuss this, he just closed you down, & has gone off for the day, (marooning you) knowing it's the last nail in the coffin.
No attempt whatsoever to have an adult conversation, the Golf wins hands down. Wow. He really is a Dick, whatever was the point of marrying if he won't forfeit one game to try & salvage the situation.
Glad you Mum has come to get you. Do not feel obliged to tell him your wherabouts.

Maybe he will decide to be magnanimous and offer forgiveness to you later 🤔

It's good you're going to your mums for a bit, remember that none of this is your fault and you've been more than reasonable.

His threat to never forgive you if you end the marriage is ridiculous, if you want rid of him why would you care whether or not he forgives you?

what this indicates to me is that he only thinks about things from his own viewpoint, things only matter if they affect him, he does not stop to consider things from the other person's perspective.
How can you have a partnership with someone who is unable to regard the other person as an equal 🤷‍♀️

Or is it a veiled threat to take revenge if you leave him?

You have made the right decision, well done. You’re going to feel like crap for a bit but let your mum look after you. The future life you will have will be so much happier than living a half life with a man who values his golf clubs above his wife. He honestly seems to see you as a servant, cook, clean, dog walker. You aren’t meant to have your own feelings and opinions.

I am a single parent 100% of the time. I didn’t intend to be but my ex left when she was a baby. I’m also single by choice. Yes it isn’t always easy but I have full control over my life and a brilliant close relationship with my dd. She normally stays 1 night a week with my mum (lives an hour away), partly to give my parents the chance to have a close relationship and partly to give me a break. She loves it and they also take her away for a few nights in the summer. She has many happy memories and they have really missed each other during lockdown. I wonder if something similar might be helpful for you too?

Part of me thinks why should he get to stay in the house that I found, decorated and made into a home, but then the other half of me thinks just let it go

I would let it go.

Give notice and move into somewhere smaller and cheaper or will having a dog make it difficult for you to find somewhere else.
Apart from your job what else is keeping you in the area.

Could you not find a job back from where your family and friends are? Or even look at different areas altogether.

You are doing the right thing OP, I am glad you are going to your mums.