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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

699 replies

Lewem · 27/06/2020 18:57

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

OP posts:
tinierclanger · 28/06/2020 08:53

Well done, you’ve done the right thing! The next bit will be tough but it’s saving you from a lifetime of misery.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 28/06/2020 08:59

OP speak to the landlord or landlady. If the tenency is coming up it can be changed to your name only if you explain the situation.

In the meantime put the bits you want to keep and fight for in storage. Don't be too greedy so it looks fair and if he were to fight for those too he would look like a tit.

A marriage of short duration like this would be a fairly quick affair to get out of but start with the donor baby thing Monday and the divorce Tuesday.

He won't even grant you a calm adult discussion about this. This alone tells you all you need to know about this tosser. Stop going after him and engage minimally now. He had his chance to discuss it and even if he stopped playing bloody golf tday it would be something else and he has done the damage now anyway.

When he starts turning it around on you and saying it's you that has broken up the marriage blah blah blah just agree with him and be minimally phased by it. Agree with him and have a nice life. You have more important things tobe getting on with!

FreddoFrogAddict · 28/06/2020 09:01

His reaction speaks volumes. Of course he would never end the marriage - all of his needs are being met! Nice home, clean clothes, meals on the table, pets to fuss when it suits him, sex when he wants it. If only you'd stop playing up life would be perfect! It's the old joke about the man who said "I was happily married for 15 years... .until my wife decided she wanted to be happy too."

How's your relationship with your landlord? Could you get them onside and agree that you take on the tenancy alone from Oct? Meantime, move into the spare room and stop being his housekeeper. He doesn't deserve you.

LakieLady · 28/06/2020 09:16

he said he will never forgive me for ending our marriage

He made that choice when he decided to carry on spending all his free time hitting a tiny ball into a hole. He knew the score, he broke the agreement that he would spend less time playing, it's him whose ended the marriage.

What you have now isn't a marriage, not in any meaningful sense.

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/06/2020 09:16

I know how hard this is but keep your focus on one thing at a time and work towards that.

So, you want a baby. Save secretly, research, eat well. Can your job move, transfer?

Do you want to start with the house move? Save secretly, research. Don't be despondent about finding somewhere, people with pets move all the time and it's just a little harder not impossible. Think about what you want in a house if you have a child to, some facilities you can walk will help.

Being so practical will help, it will give you some focus and you can see progress as you tick things off. Talk to your friends and family too, there is love and support there waiting for you.

No matter how hard this is what you have now will only make you miserable, you deserve so much more.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/06/2020 09:36

Ok, can you contact solicitor to get divorce ball rolling, contact landlord, renew contract in your name only for a year and live separate lives in the house for now. Worth having legal divorce papers first, in case he tries to change things with landlord (no need to tell him you've done that bit for a month or two though).

Start separating your lives and things within the house, so it becomes easy for him (or you) to move his stuff out.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/06/2020 09:39

That gives you 15 months to tackle trying to get pregnant and thinking about job-hunting and moving if you want that. Do think about maternity leave and enhanced mat benefits requirements. You may be better off staying in your current job until after a baby is born.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 28/06/2020 09:39

Please put pressure on him to leave rather than you!

cameocat · 28/06/2020 09:46

Who cares if he never forgives you? He won't be part of your life anymore.

Of course he is blaming you because if he didn't then his statement would (more accurately say) 'I'll never forgive myself if you leave me'.

Auridon4life · 28/06/2020 09:50

If its golf learn how to play and show him up. Beat him at his own game.

RandomMess · 28/06/2020 09:52

All these that suggests the op starts playing golf, who is going to look after the dog???

istheresomethingishouldknow · 28/06/2020 10:07

Of course he said he would never leave you. Why would he? You're either at work making money to help support his life or at home looking after the dog and house so he doesn't have to, and he gets sex when he deigns to come home, right?

Fuck him.

Just pack your stuff and tell him to fuck off. Who cares if he doesn't forgive you? You don't need his forgiveness ... he's the one that's done this!

istheresomethingishouldknow · 28/06/2020 10:09

You could reach out to your LL and tell him the two of you are splitting up and could you move the tenancy into your sole name in October?

OutOfHours · 28/06/2020 10:12

Please speak to the landlord sooner rather than later, before he does.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 28/06/2020 10:19

Is he a bit thick?

“I am not happy, I want to end our marriage”
“But I would never do that”

Well of course not, you idiot, because you’re not the unhappy one! I mean, he even said “You’re never happy” and still failed to grasp this simple point!
His reaction speaks volumes. I wish you happiness OP. If it’s any encouragement, I was 43 when my son was born (met husband late in life) so you haven’t necessarily missed the boat. You do however absolutely need to sail off into the sunset away from this one though.

chatterbugmegastar · 28/06/2020 10:22

Good point @saraclara

Star81 · 28/06/2020 10:32

I hope he shows some maturity and actually has a serious discussion with you today. Walking away shows a lack or respect and lack of understanding of how an adult relationship works.

Original poster
Lewem · 28/06/2020 10:58

@Star81

I hope he shows some maturity and actually has a serious discussion with you today. Walking away shows a lack or respect and lack of understanding of how an adult relationship works.
Update - unfortunately not :( He's got up early and gone out...I assume to golf. He knew I wanted to go into town today..my car is currently in the garage but I would have happily got the bus, the problem is, I can't leave our dog all day indefinitely if he won't be back for 8 hours :( He won't talk to me, won't answer when I called (even when he's playing golf he usually can answer or call me straight back). He's being so cruel :( obviously trying to punish me. All i wanted was one day to myself out the house and he cant even give me that, after playing golf yesterday and practically all week.
OP posts:
InkieNecro · 28/06/2020 11:00

I'd just like to warn you about the potential water works when he realises you're serious.

He may cry, beg for forgiveness, promise you he'll limit or give up golf. Do not agree to take him back. He didn't care that you were lonely and crying as long as you were making money and doing all the housework, he'll only change for a few weeks before going back to normal. If that cycle repeats, it will erode the time you have left to have a baby. If that is what you want then don't let him take it from you.

InkieNecro · 28/06/2020 11:01

May I also suggest daycare for your dog when they open back up again?

BurtsBeesKnees · 28/06/2020 11:08

Can you take the dog with you. My local bus company lets dogs on for a fee. Or you could just text him, tell him you're out for the day and he'll have to go home at X time to see to the dog.

Going forward you could look at dog walkers/sitters

I know it's not the point and he's a tosser for dropping you like this.

mamascorpio · 28/06/2020 11:11

It doesn't take 8 hours to play a round of golf.

I used to work in one, 4 hours is the normal time period to complete 18 holes.

5 hours if you are very inexperienced/ mobility etc.

Do you know what he plays off?
His handicap?

Original poster
Lewem · 28/06/2020 11:14

I have a dog walker that i use 3 days a week while I'm at work, it wold be too short notice to contact him now though as he would already have gone out. I have no one else around here I can rely on, his parents are round the corner but they don't like dogs. I wish there was somewhere I could go with the dog so we are not here when he gets back :( I hate him for doing this to me

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 28/06/2020 11:16

I'd spend the day moving your stuff into the spare room , cooking dinner for one and checking out the relationships boards on here for advice on "getting your ducks in a row".

And as PP above said, contact the landlord about single tenancy for you from October. Don't let the knob get in first.

Nanny0gg · 28/06/2020 11:18

Talk to your landlord asap. You might be lucky.