Husband addicted to hobby - AIBU??

[Lewem]

I have been married just over one year. Not long before our wedding last year, my husband took up a hobby that he used to do long before we met..it was my suggestion to start it up again as I thought it would be good for him. A couple of months after our wedding, he starting becoming OBSESSED with this hobby, to the point I barely saw him. We live quite far away from where I grew up so quite far from all my family and friends, but very close to his, and therefore I ended up feeling incredibly lonely. I told him how I felt and things eased off a bit. However, it's now all started up again.

Despite the fact we recently had counseling and agreed he would only spend 3 days a week doing his hobby, he is constantly making excuses to do it almost every day for 4-5 hours (it involves a particular sport, without being too precise). He's even started making excuses to go on Sundays, which are meant to be our one and only day together. A couple of weeks ago I caught him out lying... he told me he was at work but I found out and had proof that he was actually at his hobby.

Today (Saturday) he went to his hobby first thing this morning, we spent a couple of hours together and he's now upstairs watching his hobby on TV! He said he wanted to go again tomorrow...when I got upset and reminded him we had plans, he got very manipulative and said in a very sarcastic voice, 'ok I'll just stick to the SCHEDULE' then, and that Im trying to control him and stop his hobby altogether. This has infuriated me as it couldn't be further from the truth..I am happy for him to have this hobby, as he says it helps with his mental health, but just to balance things better.

I am constantly feeling bored, lonely and upset. He says I am being unreasonable and that one of the other wives/girlfriends act like this...which makes me even more mad! I don't care about them I only know how I feel. I certainly don't want to be together 24/7 and I actually enjoy a bit of time to myself sometimes, but I feel as tough Im having to beg my husband to want to spend time with me and its really getting me down.

I am questioning whether I am overreacting or if he is indeed being a total selfish prick? Any thoughts? I am currently considering if I want to stay in this marriage :(

Cross posted, WELL DONE!

His reaction means you have done exactly the right thing.

He is shocked you are willing to put your happiness and future before his happiness. That means he's an arsehole.

He thinks you should lose your home without even sensibly discussing it, to punish you. That means he's an arsehole.

He had a strop and walked off instead of having an open conversation and being willing to compromise. That means he's an arsehole.

Despite this being caused by his behaviour, instead of fighting to make it work he said he will never forgive you for wanting out. Thats means he's an arsehole.

That is THE BEST reaction ever.

Because now you don't have to be confused. You now know he is 100% a selfish arsehole who doesn't care if you're happy or not. So you won't have a horrible back and forth period where you keep breaking up and getting back together. You can do it once and it's over with.

Next step is to speak to some solicitors and get a clear plan together for yourself. Don't do this with him, so it separately.

He will turn nasty (I'm not meaning violence, I'm meaning wanting you to come away with as little as possible) as they all do. All of them.

So get a solicitor you are confident will hold their own and stand firm if he plays tough.

You can do this. This time next year you'll have your own place, your lovely dog and a plan for becoming a mum if that's what you really want - there are many options that don't require a lifelong commitment to a selfish wanker.

Well done you

Well done, You are miles form your family & friends, Leave

Thank you everyone for the support. I now just need to figure out my next move. I would like to stay in the house but I can't be bothered in fighting with him over it, either way if I have to leave I feel like I'll still be winning as I'll be on track to getting my life back. But its hard to know what to do about all the furniture etc. Its mostly all stuff I've bought and he's just paid half towards things in dribs and drabs. If I have to leave I don't want to have to start from scratch all over again but I doubt he's going to let me just take things without a fight. Another worry is that if I leave and he doesn't bother paying the rent (which is a possibility) it will go against my name as we still have a joint tenancy until October. I just don't know what to do. I wish I had a place I could take my dog and go and stay for a few days to get some space, as its going to be hell living with him like this. The problem is though most of my friends have their own families, and I cant think of anywhere I could go.

To make matters worse its my 40th birthday next week. He had said he was planning on taking me somewhere for the day as a surprise, which Im sure would have been nice, but I just cant stay with him for that reason. It would just feel so fake. I had arranged a day off work but I'll probably just end up having to go to work :( not really the celebration I had planned but I just know deep inside that I cant stay in this fake relationship any longer.

Keep repeating that he is the one who is ending this marriage by his conduct.

YANBU -my ex h did this and zi our up for it for years and my DC missed out on family time because he was never with us - always doing the hobby and even coaching other children doing that sport) nothing creepy) total obsession. So leave him before you have DC / wish I had

Do you have a spare room? I'd move into that temporarily if you do. He is out with golf so hopefully you won't actually have to deal with him. Cook meals for you only and then when he is back retreat to the garden or your room. As for the furniture I'd take the pieces you really love and leave the less nice bits for him. If you can of course.

Arrange a consultation to speak to someone re sperm donation on your 40th birthday.

Write a list of also the things you want to take, add a few bits you're not bothered about so you can bargain with him. If he isn't agreeable speak to a solicitor

Speak to your landlord and explain the situation and discuss the possibility of coming off the tenancy early.

Good luck op and be kind to yourself. His reaction has told you all you need to know about where you come in his list of priorities

So that gives you till October to sort yourself out.
Do not sign another tenancy agreement with this man. He will mislead you once he’s calmed down as he won’t want to lose his maid.
Look into sperm donation.
Move closer to your family.

Any airbnbs near you ? (that accept dogs)
He may try & rewind this when he sees his strop hasn't worked, make promises & then probably sulk as he'd rather be elsewhere.
Don't fall for it.
Can he afford the rent on his own? if not once he sees this is real he may decide to find somewhere cheaper ?

Lots of my friends who’ve had big birthdays in lockdown have postponed until next year and just pretended they’re still 39. In a year’s time your life could be so different; you’re taking the first steps to happiness.

Yup, sperm donation appt on your 40th, if you can. Line up a new house for October and, if you can, go away for a bit, and/or arrange a little Air B&B or monthly rental to tide you over in between.

One good thing about pregnancy is you go to classes and make new 'baby friends', then more at classes and playgroups on mat leave. It's a good way of establishing yourself in an area.

You could think about finding a job where your family and friends live but you don't have to rush it.

Oh and his golfing freinds whose wives 'don't mind' are going to think he's an idiot when they find out. I bet they didn't play like that when newlyweds. Bet many did when babies came along though. They'll think he's a fool for giving up his companion and housekeeper.

Just wanted to jump in and say well done.
He left you for golf, remember that.

Beware now of the “mental health” script.
It’s trotted our time and again to try and make people stay.

Good luck!

Op just wanted to say I'm sorry this is happening to you. His response to you has just proved that you're doing the right thing.
I read the whole thing out to DH who was shocked and said no man who loves his wife would ever let it get to this point.
You're better off without him op. I hope you're feeling OK. I bet you never want to look at another golf club again!

@Scrumpyjacks thank you. I'm not feeling great nth. Devastated this is happening..we had an amazing wedding abroad and so many people came, I can't help feeling so guilty about everyone who spent a fortune to come to our wedding just for it to crumble a year later. I took marriage very seriously and never wanted to be divorced. I just cant believe its come to this.

It seems as though everyone else around me is so happy and settled, married with children..just don't know why I couldn't have the same. Life can be unfair.

I had made plans to go into our local town with DH today, before he tried to wriggle out of them yesterday to play golf, so I was going to just go alone..but I've not really slept much and feel really unwell. I think I'll just spend the day in bed and leave him to his own devices.

Thank you so much to everyone who has shown they cared, really means a lot!

I keep thinking it would be much easier for him to leave and me to stay for the following reasons:

Obviously I would keep the dog, since I have most responsibility for her anyway, and we also have two cats. This house is pet friendly but it was shard to find... it would be very hard for me to fond another suitable pet friendly house.

Our dog, being a rescue dog is terrified of traffic and roads, and luckily where we live out the back is surrounded by many fields. Its perfect for her. It would be very hard to find somewhere else as suitable.

He is just one person and could easily rent a flat, whereas a flat will not work for me with the pets.

We have had a cat-flap installed in this house for the cats, again it makes more sense for us to stay here.

When we moved here we already had to keep the cats in for 3 weeks before they could go out..they are just settled in and it would be very hard to do that to them again..especially if I had to lock them in with the dog!

I know legally I can't kick him out as it is a joint tenancy, and he's so selfish I know he's going to insist on staying, but its going to be a nightmare for me to find somewhere else as suitable.

You keep calling it a hobby OP but, if he's playing at County level, then it is far more to him than that and not something that he can ration.

I agree your only option is to split. Golf is clearly a big part of his life and if that does not work for you, then it is best to move on and not play second fiddle to some clubs and a ball. Good luck

You have only been married for one year and he is neglecting you on a permanent basis. You have already had counseling and agreed 3 or 4 times each week and then he lies to your face to do extra golf. These are massive red flags. Don't get pregnant, it sounds like you our DH would be no support to you at all and probably 'playing a round' when you were in labour. I would be divorcing now before you have DC and it gets harder.

Move on without him and make a decent life for yourself. A friend of my Aunt's has a DH who has recently retired. He gets up early every day and goes to golf course. He plays a full round of 18 with a friend every morning. Eats at club then either practices his drive or meets another friend and plays again. He arrives home in time for dinner. His wife was hoping for days out together now he has retired. The selfish bas*d won't even give her one day a week. I can see you getting this treatment in the future. At the moment your DH works.

Separate lives in the house until October sounds sensible if he won't go. It's not as though he's part of your life anyway. And do nothing for him. No washing, cooking or anything else.

I don't know the legalities of you taking on the tenancy alone and then throwing him out. Obviously you need good advice here.

He has a mental health problem to do anything to such an extent and putting his marriage at risk
First he has to admit he has a problem
Second he has to want to do something about it which will involve going deep into why he has developed coping/avoidance strategies

Get in touch with your landlord and ask to renew the tenancy just in your name. Tell them the situation and that you daren't leave as you think he will stop paying the rent.

Move out to the spare room and get on with your life. Live like it's a house share don't do his washing or tidy up after him (chuck his stuff in a box or like in the corner of the living room).

To go from not playing to it being his life and expecting you to be at home looking after the animals and be there eager to see him is taking the piss. Has he been expecting you to be enthusiastic about having sexual with him when he bothers to see you all this time?

Personally I don't think he'll change willingly - you've already tried talking to him, made some agreements and he's gone back on it. I think your choices are:

1. Stick around, accept you'll be on your own and have many and frequent arguments about it.
2. Get your own absorbing hobby
3. Take up golf yourself
4. Leave without fuss and find someone who will appreciate you and spend time with you.

I really would put the kids on hold until you have sorted this out. Otherwise you will be doing everything yourself and be on your own - perhaps even more. Sorry OP, but he's a bit of an arse - especially as you haven't been married long.

I've just googled and you can ask the landlord to change the tenancy to your name and then give your husband notice to leave the property.

However as you want a divorce I'd go and see a solicitor who can sort everything for you

@chatterbugmegastar

I've just googled and you can ask the landlord to change the tenancy to your name and then give your husband notice to leave the property.

However as you want a divorce I'd go and see a solicitor who can sort everything for you

The worrying thing about that information is that he could do the same.

I think firstly that his reaction, his walking away and not talking, not trying to save this marriage tells you everything you need to know. I am sorry that it has turned out this way.

I haven't rented for a long time so I can't remember logistics but could you contact the landlord, inform them that you are ending the joint tenancy when you can and ask for a tenancy just in your name to run immediately after the joint one ends? That way you get to stay. You have to think of yourself in all of this and what is best for you and the pets.

You would have a more difficult time trying to find somewhere to rent with pets so stay put and sort out staying put.

I agree about the 40th birthday present to yourself, start looking at sperm donors.