Mr and Mrs his initial surname 🤬

[ottermadness]

I just hate it, I’m not a Mrs and I have a name.

It’s nice that people remember to send anniversary cards though so I’m not going to be impolite.

AIBU that this gives me rage!?

Perhaps! I’d argue it’s best not to guess at all, worse still stick to a dubious convention.

if you have to send a lot of communication through work, you physically cannot call every single person and ask them how they want to be addressed.... It sounds nice in theory, but who has time for that?

Yeh the term 'maiden name' does grate and I can't understand women who use it.

because that's the English word to describe it and this is an English-speaking forum

Yes thank you I also am a native English speaker. Language does change with the times,English more than most and I find this term outdated a bit like 'Christian name'.

And I cannot understand why women still say it. That's my opinion. Please don't send any would-be patronising comments or passive aggressive smiley faces. Thanks.

Yes thank you I also am a native English speaker.
then as a native speaker you can enlighten the rest of us and tell us what else we could use?

And I cannot understand why women still say it.
because they want to, and it's a correct word which is a bonus? HTH?

I love it when people have enough arguments to articulate their positions and prove how clever they are, and that they might actually have a point..

oh, wait 😂😂

Not this old chestnut again. Times have changed.

I'm nearly 60 and took DH's name. People who use his initial don't bother me a jot. My mother would be horrified by anything else as would some of her friends.

Our friends - nowadays I err on the side of caution. Younger people I'd avoid.

I may make an error. I hope people would forgive it and just be pleased I remembered a birthday, wrote a thank you or sent an invitation.

DH has a work related title
I never use a title at work unless an academic pisses me off spectacularly
DD is very much Ms
DS is starting a PhD so likely to become Dr

TBF as long as people are nice I really couldn't give a flying fuck! Except when bloody medics introduce themselves with a title and assume they may use my first name. If they think they are important enough to warrant a title they may use mine - especially if they don't appear to have been shaving for very long.

*people

Eurgh. I am embarrassed to say I can remember using this convention to write to my parents when I was very young. The idea is anathema to me now.

I’d never address an envelope like this if I knew a woman had kept her own name (that would just be weird and rude), but if she’s taken his then I would, because I’ve internalised my mother’s voice, which would be pointing out loudly in my head that it was wrong if I did it any other way! I’m in my 30s. And she’s hardly a downtrodden traditionalist - she went back to work full time when I was three months old and kept her own name for work purposes (though she’s Mrs Dad’sname for everything else). I try to make myself write Mrs Jane Smith if I’m just writing to the woman and she’s younger than my parents, but I have to battle against the knowledge that it’s ‘wrong’ to address anyone other than a divorcee that way.

@JaniceWebster If they’ve changed it upon marriage, ‘birth name’. If they haven’t, just ‘last name’. The term ‘maiden’ is steeped in patriarchy and misogynistic tradition that a lot of us have hopefully eschewed. It’s outdated, at best. If some women still choose to embrace it, that’s obviously entirely their choice and nobody is trying to stop them. However, it’s certainly not a choice I can understand.

Why was my last message deleted?
It had nothing abusive in it and made valid points in answer to janice questions

It seriously bothers me.
I'm miss birth name, married to Mr his name. We both have children from previous relationships and there was no way on this planet I was going to have his kids name and be different to my kids. Mine have double barreled with mine and my ex, but they tend to use mine.
I love my husband to pieces but it actually makes me feel icky to imagine being Mrs his name. That's his mum's name.

My mum died recently and my ex husband addressed the sympathy card to Mrs hisname and I had to text him to correct it, he's the only person that's done it in a long time!!

@FourEyesGood

Why does informal post like a birthday or anniversary card need to use a title anyway? I always just put Firstname Surname (e.g. Annie Oakley), or if it’s to a couple, Firstname and Firstname Surname (e.g. Annie and Danny Oakley).

FWIW, I did take my husband‘s name when we got married, but I often wish I hadn’t, even though I really like the name.

This bemuses me as much as any of the other bumph surrounding the issue, to be honest.

I understand why the custom of calling a woman Mrs Husbandsfirstname Husbandsssurname came about: literally patriarchy, woman as appendage as husband. I understand that some people have managed not to realise that it's not been the norm for years, because there are always people who don't notice things changing, and I also understand that some people do know this but stick to it to make a point because they're rude twats. Those things are all easy enough to get your head round.

But the idea that people in 2020 are sending birthday cards to friends, cousins etc and think they all need to be formally addressed as a matter of course, that is utterly beyond me. If it's to someone you know wants it fine, but otherwise, just write their name!

@Destroyedpeople

I just asked if janice was a school teacher as she liked to ask patronising questions and litter little PA smiley faces everywhere...

That’s not very pleasant.

'Not very pleasant' wellllll....no. but not really delete-worthy surely...

What’s is it with the surnames / forms if address issues at the moment? This is the second thread in two days.

I took DH’s name because If was something I wanted to do and probably he would have been offended otherwise. We don’t really receive letters addressed to both of us with his initial though. I we did, I would just assume it was from an elderly person. Wouldn’t particularly bother me.

If I’m emailing a teacher and I’m not sure if they are Miss or Mrs, I’ll just use Ms.

I don’t know what all the fuss is about really.

I HATE this. We have a family name which was my husband's surname. But I have not someone become a female version of my husband and taken his first name as well! We get a handful of Christmas cards addressed like this from his family. So annoying but his family are actually much lovelier than mine so not worth bringing it up. They are all older generation so I think this will soon phase itself out. Thankfully!!

I haven't rtft, but my very close friend from childhood's mother used to address our Christmas card envelope like this every year. It gave me the rage, as if my identity (which she'd known for more than twenty years before I got married) had been obliterated. My friend agreed with me that her mum was being very old-fashioned to insist on the "correct" way of addressing a married woman.

Her mum now has advanced dementia and I haven't received any cards at all from her for a couple if years, when she had previously never missed a birthday, Christmas or anniversary. I'd do anything to have another card from her and sod how its addressed. I'd also love to come across one of her old envelopes as I'm sure these days it would make me smile, rather than give me the rage.

I just asked if janice was a school teacher as she liked to ask patronising questions and litter little PA smiley faces everywhere...

My money is in the fact you used school teacher in a non complimentary way.

It makes me cringe when women refer to their own name as a maiden name.

Likewise. My family name, just like a man's family name, is not an announcement of whether or not I'm a virgin. Too quaint for words, and hardly a necessary disclaimer!

It certainly wasn't prefixed with anything if that is what you mean. I have great respect for schoolteachers!

Exactly marie and that was pretty much what my second post said.
That I would feel embarrassed referring to my own family name as my 'virgin' name in this day and age. And that language and people change with the times.