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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at this gift request

353 replies

Jamielynn · 26/06/2020 18:50

Hi everyone! Just wanted some opinions whether I was being sensitive here and overreacting about a situation that’s happened recently.

I bought my youngest brother in law a birthday gift from Selfridges from a brand I’ve seen him wear a lot. Usually my (now) DH would get him something from both of us, but since we got married a few months ago we thought it’d be nice if I picked out something for him from myself. I initially wanted to give a gift card but DH insisted it wasn’t personal enough so I bought an expensive item of clothing that I thought was his style. I asked DH’s opinion and he agreed that it was lovely and he’d appreciate it

Now.. brother in law wants me to return the gift and give him money instead. He didn’t tell me directly but MIL told me that he doesn’t like it and would prefer if I returned it and gave him money instead.

Am I right to be a bit annoyed at this or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ignatiusjreilly · 26/06/2020 23:14

It’s so rude to tell someone you don’t like a present they’ve given you! Whatever happened to “it’s the thought that counts”?

CheshireChat · 26/06/2020 23:17

It's the overall attitude that makes it really bad.

If he came back (himself!) and said that he'd like to please return it as he wants to use the cash towards something else, I'd think it's a bit cheeky, but wouldn't be annoyed.

Bahhhhhumbug · 26/06/2020 23:17

Did your DH buy him a present seperate Ly from him only.? Or was the t-shirt a gift from both of you although chosen/"bought by you?
If it was the former then he's had a present off your dh so that will have to do him. Get your money back and keep it. Cheeky fecker. What does your dh say about all this?

Littlebyerockerboo · 26/06/2020 23:17

Hes 21, theyre not exactly known for being grateful , nor having much tact when it comes to getting gifts.

To some 21 year olds, £100 is a hell of alot of money, could be hes saving for something, paying off a debt or just wants to spend it on having a good time.

If hes not happy with the gift your brought out of generosity and love, then let him have what he would really like, which is the money, and I wouldnt begrudge him it, or play games...
Yes you spent time picking out something you thought he would like, but truth is he doesn't and at least there's been an element of honesty (even if the news didn't come from him)
Give him the refund money with the same love you gave the gift.

It might be that you picked something that wasn't quite his style, colour or fit. I would try not to take it too personally- I also think its much better this way than what most of us do... put said item in a cupboard and forget about it, or sell it on, give it away.

I always remember my mum buying a jumper I really didnt like when I was about 19, she was so pleased with it, i didn't have the heart to tell her I really didnt like it. It sat in my wardrobe mocking me for a couple of years and even when I did give it to charity in the end, the guilt was horrible and I can still remember every single thing about it now (almost ditto a coat she brought me that was like a bin liner, but wasn't so bad as I recall i did manage to wear it a few times)
How horrible to think a gift brought with love can make you feel this way, rather than just being up front.

If you really feel hurt by his actions, I would let your dp deal with gifts in the future, or just give the cash in the first place. I think 21 is a hard age to buy for anyway!

Bahhhhhumbug · 26/06/2020 23:18

separately

Original poster
Jamielynn · 26/06/2020 23:24

@Littlebyerockerboo
I completely understand this. It’s fine that he didn’t like what I chose and it’s no good it collecting dust in the back of a cupboard! I get on really well with him and we’ve got a great relationship so I think I’m more annoyed by the way they’ve gone about things more than him disliking the gift.

OP posts:
ZombieFan · 26/06/2020 23:36

I think I’m more annoyed by the way they’ve gone about things more than him disliking the gift
TBH he could have agonised over what to do. Sounds like he asked for advice from family. Its a minefield, no matter what he did he could have offended someone, you just don't know. Had he done something else you would still get lots of people on MN being offended.

Zucker · 26/06/2020 23:36

What did your husband buy for his brother's birthday present?

Sceptre86 · 26/06/2020 23:53

I agree that it is weird that you are buying him stuff yourself now that you are married as opposed to before. Leave all gifts for your dh's side of the family up to him, it will save you stress in the long run.

I don't think it is ride to ask for you to exchange it and have asked someone to do this for me. I wouldn't ask for the money though. If you can I would return it and give a gift card for £50. Next year dh sorts out his families gifts.

caringcarer · 26/06/2020 23:54

Exchange it for something nice for yourself and give him £20. Tell DH in future you will add your name to his gift.

Newkitchen123 · 27/06/2020 00:01

Rude

frazzledasarock · 27/06/2020 00:02

I’d return it get my money back and leave it to H to sort gift out.

Tell your H he’s doing it as he knows his brother best. Especially as you’re married now, he should be taking care of his own family members and adding your name on presents.

Is your H buying your family members £100 worth of gifts separately from you?

Regularsizedrudy · 27/06/2020 00:10

So basically your husband is signing you up to all the “wife-work” now you’re married. I’d worry more about that than his shithead brother tbh.

timeisnotaline · 27/06/2020 00:26

Hmm your mil/Bil have done you a huge favour actually. Right at the start of your marriage with a rather entitled and selfish man you are getting an excellent reminder that being married doesn’t suddenly mean a great time for your husband and a lot of shit work for you.
I’d call bil directly and say ‘I’m sorry they are going to be difficult about cash but I’m sure you can find something in selfridges with the gift receipt, but don’t worry it won’t happen again, Dh is back on deck for choosing your gifts!’ My mil likes to ‘intermediate’, I reply directly to the sibling in law rather than faff with it.
It is absolutely extremely rude he didn’t get you a joint wedding present, but it is worse that your dh is ok with it and it is ridiculous that now married your dh thinks you can do shopping. Luckily you can say from here on god no that was a disaster, your family your job. But you are welcome to have a stab at choosing amazing and in budget presents for mine! Watch out for his creeping entitlement, you’re an equal partner not the housekeeper/secretary.

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 27/06/2020 00:30

Weird. Get a refund and buy yourself something nice hes a twat.

olympicsrock · 27/06/2020 01:02

He was very rude and grabby .
You gave him a grift receipt. Selfriges is a huge store -he could have chosen anything, instead of a memorable item he wants cash And is prepared to put you to the trouble of returning the gift instead.

I agree with others who said , take it back spend the money on yourself and give him £20 next year. And by the way sibling birthday presents at 21 .
Also your husband needs to buy for his own family.

clpsmum · 27/06/2020 01:10

Take it back and treat yourself to something with the money. Teach him to be rude the tosser!

ThighThighofthigh · 27/06/2020 02:03

Give the real receipt to your husband to pass on to MiL/BiL and forget about it. You spent the money on him anyway so it's gone.

dontgobaconmyheart · 27/06/2020 03:31

It's entitled and rude OP. At 21 years of age he should deal with it himself not be getting his mummy to do the dirty work because he's grabby and is eyeing up a free £100 because he knows what you spent Hmm

I would get my own money back and give him nothing, and see how long it takes for them to start getting grabby over it again. Or return it and give him £20 or similar, see what he says and does. If anything was said I would just say "oh but the clothing was a one off.treat, I thought you'd love it to pushed the boat out. Clearly I'm clueless so here's £20 for a few beers once the pubs reopen. Happy bday.

IdblowJonSnow · 27/06/2020 03:43

It's a little bit rude but better the money doesn't get wasted?
Am more baffled that your DH insisted you buy him a gift! That's his job surely! Don't fall for that one again...

Thehop · 27/06/2020 08:29

@Jamielynn love the lynx set idea. Pop it with some George at Asda accessories and you’re sorted for Christmas!

SomeBunnyOvertheRainbow · 27/06/2020 08:36

People who keep commenting that clothes are personal (I agree with that) and OP should have given a gift card, OP gave a gift receipt so he could have gone to Selfridges and picked something else up to the value of £100. So OP put in the thought but he also had the option to choose something. No reason to ask for cash. It’s really rude.

I also agree MIL is behind it.

SomeBunnyOvertheRainbow · 27/06/2020 08:40

Also the gift need not be wasted or sit in the back fo a wardrobe where he has a gift receipt. £100 is also a good amount to pick something.

Fedup21 · 27/06/2020 08:40

You seem to have married into a family that is quite hard work!

Your DH seems the worst of all though-insisting you buy your BIL a separate gift. That is just bizarre?!

birdwatching · 27/06/2020 08:49

I think this is incredibly rude given the fact that he could change it for something else.

I would return it and keep the money.

On a side note - your gifting sounds excessive. £100 on a brother on law? and this was only half of the gift as your DH got a separate one.

The whole set up is bonkers. you are adults. I would suggest you scrap this gifting nonsense alltogether. problem solved for the future too.