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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at this gift request

353 replies

Jamielynn · 26/06/2020 18:50

Hi everyone! Just wanted some opinions whether I was being sensitive here and overreacting about a situation that’s happened recently.

I bought my youngest brother in law a birthday gift from Selfridges from a brand I’ve seen him wear a lot. Usually my (now) DH would get him something from both of us, but since we got married a few months ago we thought it’d be nice if I picked out something for him from myself. I initially wanted to give a gift card but DH insisted it wasn’t personal enough so I bought an expensive item of clothing that I thought was his style. I asked DH’s opinion and he agreed that it was lovely and he’d appreciate it

Now.. brother in law wants me to return the gift and give him money instead. He didn’t tell me directly but MIL told me that he doesn’t like it and would prefer if I returned it and gave him money instead.

Am I right to be a bit annoyed at this or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 26/06/2020 21:03

Can't believe anyone thinks this behaviour is remotely acceptable.

Gift giving is NOT totally about the recipient! Do some reading. It's a complex social construction around displaying wealth or status, creating obligation, as well as altruistically choosing something a receiver will value.

Its a) lazy - he couldn't even find anything else to choose with £100 in selfridges? My arse, he clearly just wants cash and only cash.
b) entitled. You bought him a thoughtful and expensive present. Its incredibly rude to pass it back and ask for cash.

There are a plenty of effective ways to politely deal with this and he hasnt managed any of them.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 26/06/2020 21:05

Ps I would take it back, quietly, and not give anything - no cash/voucher/replacement.

katy1213 · 26/06/2020 21:05

If he can't be bothered with a thank you - and why doesn't that surprise me? - then I'd exchange the gift and treat yourself to something nice. And if he's rude enough to ask why no presents are forthcoming in future, tell him why - he might as well learn.

Custardcreamies101 · 26/06/2020 21:05

I would give him the the gift receipt and get him to exchange it for a gift card then he can spend the £100 on anything he likes. If he’s well off then he doesn’t need it in cash. So much easier than you going all the way back to the shop. If it’s a shop or brand he doesn’t like or wear then I’d understand him not wanting to exchange or get a gift card. But seeing as he wears the brand then I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want to. Unless he is saving up for something?

NessV · 26/06/2020 21:05

SORRY YES!

NessV · 26/06/2020 21:06

Sorry sorry !! New and posted here somehow

mumwon · 26/06/2020 21:08

take it back & give him £25 (or less)
mind I will second that about young men & clothes/gifts they are incredible fussy - usually a make & style (in ds case a lovely dull shade of grey/brown)

altiara · 26/06/2020 21:09

I’d take it back and keep the money 🙈

vixxo · 26/06/2020 21:15

Very cheeky. I would return it and give him £30 instead.

CrotchetyQuaver · 26/06/2020 21:21

I'd take it back and get a refund and I wouldn't let him have a penny of it, the rude ungrateful brat. I'd also deliberately buy him shit presents in future, or leave it all up your DH.

PickACoolUserName · 26/06/2020 21:26

Your BIL is a cheeky fucker.

So is your husband to be honest.

NoraEphronsneck · 26/06/2020 21:26

It's so cheeky. I had a nephew who gave it to my mum to I've back to me so he could have money instead.

I took it back, got the refund and 'forgot' to give him the money so he ended up with nothing.

That was last birthday I bought for him - I have loads of nieces and nephews and he was 22 so seemed a good point to stop.

Lynda07 · 26/06/2020 21:28

Why can he not return the gift himself? If someone gives me a (returnable) gift, I don't expect the 'giver' to send it back, I do it. I would probably say it didn't fit or something like that. If it isn't returnable I just hang on to it.

Neolara · 26/06/2020 21:30

I think giving clothing is a very risky present. If he's fussy about what he wears, the chances of you getting it right were always going to be minimal. I think when giving it to him, it might have been best to say he should feel free to change it if he wanted.

Sparkletastic · 26/06/2020 21:30

Totally agree with the suggestion that you return it but only give him £50 cash. He might think on about his lack of manners.

Whenwillthisbeover · 26/06/2020 21:33

Why are you buying you bio a present from you and not a joint one. Take it back and give him cash. A tenner.

Eddielzzard · 26/06/2020 21:35

It is cheeky, but I do wonder how much of a hand MIL had in it. I'd give the t-shirt and gift receipt to your DH since he was so adamant about the whole thing. Now it's blown up in your faces, he can fix it.

Susanna85 · 26/06/2020 21:36

I think it's excessive to spend £100 on a birthday gift.

He should certainly have said thank you.

Boireannachlaidir · 26/06/2020 21:42

You're not that poster from a few weeks ago who insisted it was perfectly normal to buy separate gifts for all the family? Confused

I'd not give him a penny now, don't care if it was MILs idea to return it to you, I'd be so over it and treat myself to some new makeup instead. Job's a good un Wink

GiraffesAreBeautiful · 26/06/2020 21:45

Fuck him. Self centered twat.

Next time? £10 gift card picked randomly from the Tesco till point.

istheresomethingishouldknow · 26/06/2020 21:54

FFS.

Tell him/her you no longer have the receipt so he'll need to use the gift receipt and sort it out himself. And you won't bother in future.

StoneofDestiny · 26/06/2020 21:55

I'd get a gift card and use it myself. I'd give him £10 cash - then that would be the last thing I'd buy him.

Nydj · 26/06/2020 21:56

OP, as others have said, whether your BIL was rude or not is not really the main issue. The fact that your husband put pressure on you to buy his brother a gift and then insist that a gift card was not good enough is the problem. Your husband created the problem so perhaps he should be the one to resolve it - let him go back to the shop to return it and maybe he will think twice about pressuring you to do things against your own judgement in the future if it means that he will have to sort it if things don’t go as he had thought they would.

unlikelytobe · 26/06/2020 21:57

Yeah, odd that your DH wanted you to get the gift - could be the start of wifework where you take over all the thoughtful stuff. He should know his brother best. Did your DH also get him a gift?

It's one thing not to like a gift but to send a message that the giver has to take it back and replace it with cash when you could use the gift receipt is cheeky. Does MIL act on his behalf often?

I think you either tell him that he needs to use the gift receipt or if you return it yourself he gets £50 cash max (all sorts of reasons poss for that if queried!). Will MIL kick off?

PinkiOcelot · 26/06/2020 22:00

I don’t understand about because you’re married you buy him a gift just from you. Why?!