To ask what you think about being expected to take husband's last name

[DisaK]

Long time MNetter

I'd like to ask what other MNetters think about men who expect their wives to take their last name when they get married and are very pushy about it.

Of course I know for some wives who really don't like their own surname or much prefer their DP's, there might be no issue at all.

What I'd like to know is what you think of men who are very adamant that women should take their name when they get married.

@Pinkkgaga - why do you think the women should take the man’s name?

@Pinkkgaga

You may disagree but in my own opinion, the woman should 100% take her husbands name.

Why should she?

@Parker231 @Codenamevillanelle Respect.

I took my husband's name when I married and a big motivation was leaving my previous family name behind. My husband would have been fine me keeping my maiden name (his mother did). I made my own mind up about my own name, and I guess that's the point.

Why shouldn't the husband change his name then? Wouldn't that show respect to his wife?

Respect
So a woman should give up her name as a sign she respects her husband? Where does the husband's respect for his wife come in? Is the respect one direction?

Or do you actually mean women should change their name as an act of submission to the husband as head of the household?

I always feel rather sad for women who view taking one's spouse's name as a sign of respect, love, being a family or some other positive thing but whose spouse hasn't shown any indication of wanting to do the same for them.

I wouldn't marry anyone who thought they had any say at all over what my name is, it's absolute bullshit. I always ask if they'd take their wife's name, they always say no and then have no reason why not. I don't tell DP what to call himself, why should he tell me?

I did take my husband's name. He didn't care one way or the other but my father (who in many ways was wonderful, but he was a very traditional Christian man) told me that it was very disrespectful not to, that he thought he had raised me better than that, that he'd be so ashamed if I didn't etc. So I did it to keep him happy. I've always regretted it really.

The husband can show respect in other ways, like buying their home or buying flowers and chocolate.

The husband can show respect in other ways, like buying their home or buying flowers and chocolate.

Ahh, I thought at first that you were serious. But I see the respect thing was a joke.

@Pinkkgaga if you are my mother, please don't advance search me. She's the only person I know who might say that, but she married in 1952 - a long marriage but not that happy, sadly.

@Pinkkgaga

The husband can show respect in other ways, like buying their home or buying flowers and chocolate.

Top trolling. Def at least 9/10, and I'm tight with my scoring.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness It's a good job I said some not all isn't it dear.

@Pinkkgaga

The husband can show respect in other ways, like buying their home or buying flowers and chocolate.

Oh haha ok got it very funny

The husband can show respect in other ways, like buying their home or buying flowers and chocolate
Good one.

Now to find my DH and inform him he doesn't respect me as he didn't buy our home and doesn't get me flowers.

The husband can show respect in other ways, like buying their home or buying flowers and chocolate. 😂😂😂

Your fathers name (I’m guessing) is his fathers, and his fathers etc etc. The naming convention is to mark with the male parents name(the surname) in the uk.
No it isn't. Babies traditionally take the mother's surname. In hospital the name tags are always Baby Mother's Surname. It just so happens that often the mother has the same surname as the father, because they changed it on marriage. But the surname given to the baby is still from the mother.

Anyway, I'm a double barrel of my parents' names, they each kept theirs on marriage; my daughter has her own surname and is a Ms, as am I; my family accepts all this and DP's family are twats who call DD Miss DP's Surname.

And as for your original question OP, I've dumped two serious boyfriends who similarly had this insistence that a future marriage would mean a name change for me, and it turns out in both cases that this view was a red flag to more sinister controlling and misogynistic behaviour. Tell your friend to watch out.

Dare I reveal the shocking circumstances of our marriage? Here goes ... I’m 47 and got married at 29. I did take his name. Partly for the reasons I explained last night (that my previous name has bad associations), but also yes, it was a kind of an expression of respect. But, more shockingly, he did buy the house - and pretty much everything if you want to look at it from that angle (we do not ) as I haven’t worked in over 15 years. More than this, he has been known to get flowers reasonably regularly. Shoot me now, I must be a MN troll.

My ex was adamant I had to change my name because it's "tradition". I asked if he'd ever give up his and he said no. He was/is a misogynist unsurprisingly.

My now ex FIL made such a drama when I said I wasn't changing my name. It was a particularly awful name but that wasn't the reason. I did use it as a double barrel for about 6 weeks to keep a modicum if peace and hated it so went back to my name alone. I still have to declare that name on official documents which annoys the life out of me. When I was about 5 I remember someone in my street getting married and my mum and her friends discussing the new name. I asked 'why?' And was given a highly unsatisfactory answer along the lines of 'it's the way it is' and I remember thinking that wasn't for me thank you very much. A feminist at 5 😂 I also get annoyed when people assume because of my age that I'm married and call me Mrs Levonnelle. No! That's my mother. Never assume to call someone any title. Can you tell it's a real bug bear of mine haha?!

I think the whole concept of women changing their names on marriage as if they are possessions is ridiculous and misogynistic.

I've been married for almost 30 years. I had no hesitation in taking DH's last name. Very English compared to mine and invites comments for entirely different reasons. I'm even perfectly happy to be Mrs his name surname. At the time I also adopted his name at work but only because I started a new job immediately after our honeymoon.

If he had given a flying fig about whether I adopted his name or used mine I doubt I'd have married him or fallen in love with him.

No it isn't. Babies traditionally take the mother's surname. In hospital the name tags are always Baby Mother's Surname. It just so happens that often the mother has the same surname as the father, because they changed it on marriage. But the surname given to the baby is still from the mother.

Yes. This is also why babies born to unmarried parents tended to have the mother's surname too. Honestly, the way people like to pontificate about historical traditions, you'd think they would figure out what they actually are first.

@happymummy12345

Meant to add to my comment that I love being a mrs and being addressed as Mrs husbands initial our surname. It bothers me if I'm not addressed as such.

I love that too! It doesn’t bother me being addressed Mrs CB Outing, I prefer Mrs DH Outing but I HATE being called Miss or Ms. I was buying something online recently and the fields only allowed me to pick Mr or Ms so I made the purchase elsewhere.

Of course my name has been Outing far longer than it was ever anything else....