To ask what you think about being expected to take husband's last name

[DisaK]

Long time MNetter

I'd like to ask what other MNetters think about men who expect their wives to take their last name when they get married and are very pushy about it.

Of course I know for some wives who really don't like their own surname or much prefer their DP's, there might be no issue at all.

What I'd like to know is what you think of men who are very adamant that women should take their name when they get married.

I just don't want to give up my identity - I love my surname and heritage. My man has to accept that end of.

I wouldn't marry someone with that attitude.

My first DH actually offered to change his surname to mine, because I was the last in the line on my side of the family with that surname. I declined, because I hated it!!

As far as I'm concerned, it is up to the woman whether or not she decides to change her name to her husband's on marriage.

Alternatively a couple might jointly agree to both become double-barrelled, as relatives of ours have done.

At least we seem to largely agree on one thing....

Unmarried woman, or women who have kept their own name, giving their child the surname of their father is the most unusual part... and I’ll never get my head around it

I will never understand why women who have a child with a man they’re not married to (and often no longer in a relationship with) give their child the fathers name

Why is this?

I hear stories where the guy all but fucks off during the pregnancy and they STILL give their child the sperm donors name.

‘Tis strange.

My ex came from a country where women did not change their names. So he didn't expect me to, or ask me to. We even discussed children having my surname but for other reasons aside from he was the husband went with his. I dont think its any coincidence that as he got more abusive over the years he became increasingly obsessed with my not taking his name.
I would find it hard to change my name. In my case, yes, it was my father's bit it was mine for 30 years. Where I live my name is very identifiable as belonging to a certain community and I was quite proud of that. I have experienced prejudice and judgement as a result of my name. My name, aside from any family ties, has made me literally the person I am today.

I kept my own name - it was never an issue. Mainly because it was 1981 and I was an old school feminist, DH was secure and laid back - (he would never have asked, let alone insisted), there were already two doctors with DH’s surname in my hospital, and a third would have added to the switchboard’s confusion when paging us, and I didn’t want the cost and hassle of changing all my GMC registration, accounts, etc.
If a prospective DH tries to insist - run for the hills!

I like it. I am proud to be married to my husband and I love him. I wanted to take his name. It's traditional. When you get married you become one family.

Sunflower - could your DH have not taken your surname?

Watch the thread fill up with women talking about how pleased they were to change theirs regardless
So true.
They probably also think that them choosing to pick up after their husband is also totally the same as a man expecting his partner to shoulder all the housework because it's a woman's job.

I changed my surname. DH wasn't bothered either way. Nobody else is that bothered. Had DH expected me to change my name then we probably wouldn't be married.

I kept my own name
My choice but if my DH had tried in any way to insist it would have been over x

I kept my name and my dh didn’t even have an opinion on it. He just left it as totally my choice.
I would not marry anyone who insisted on doing important things their way and disregarded my opinion.
It’s just too controlling.

I will never understand why women who have a child with a man they’re not married to (and often no longer in a relationship with) give their child the fathers name Some men are abusive? Some women feel forced? Some women are pressured? Some unmarried couples want to agree on one name? I haven't done so myself but it isn't unfathomable unless you're thick?

I am proud to be married to my husband and I love him. Would that be any kess true if you kept your own name?
It's traditional. Did you have sex before marriage? Many things are traditional but very very outdated. Are you very old?
When you get married you become one family. That's the case regardless of surname choices.

It depends if their surname is shit or not. My partner would happily take my surname instead because we both hate our own ones.

Big names from me, sounds bad but I just never took his name or discussed it, it's a very odd old fashioned thing to me and I know people get devoiced and remarried it's hard to keep track. I think we were married 10 years before DH remarked all the mail still came to my birth name so I guess he isn't that fussed.

I'd don't overly like either surname to be honest, maybe I'll randomly change it to one I like and screw tradition.

As to OP probably old fashioned or controlling and you are seeing into the cracks of a life of my way or else in the future.

I wouldn't marry someone who demanded a name change. I've never changed from my birth surname though, its who I am. I dont see the need to change name on marriage, up to the individual though.

I'd think anyone who is trying to tell me what my name should be should fuck off. I know some men who were told how important it is for them to pass on their father/family's name, that that's part of their purpose (especially if they have only sisters) so I can get why it could weird them out and would want some discussions, but no one should tell another adult what their name should be.

I changed my entire name shortly after marriage (delayed longer than I'd like due to recommendations about making immigration easier). Thankfully, even though some of them didn't understand it, I didn't have any issues with my spouse's family. It would not occur to me that my mother's name would automatically better or do anything to alter social power structures than my father's, but I didn't want to carry either and none of them felt like mine having come from an area where they're all talked about as family names frequently.

The naming convention is to mark with the male parents name(the surname) in the uk.

The convention of an unmarried mother giving the father's name was very unusual until recently from what I've read - children were traditionally given the mother's surname, but married mothers traditionally took their husband's name. In what little I know of my family tree, I can find a step-child listed in a 1900s obituary with the mother's family name listed as her family name while her siblings have the fathers. Traditions adapt around our reality.

You may disagree but in my own opinion, the woman should 100% take her husbands name.

If a man is desperate for his soon-to-be-wife to have the same be as him, he could be asked to change his to hers. If he objects, the fiancée could note all his reasons and then ask why she should find it any easier.

"Women always have" is not an argument.

Some men are abusive? Some women feel forced? Some women are pressured? Some unmarried couples want to agree on one name? I haven't done so myself but it isn't unfathomable unless you're thick?

Not every single one of these women are in abusive relationships.

Some women just do it because it’s “tradition” and the done thing. Without applying their mind to why they’re doing it. Or that, heaven forbid, their child could have their name.

I think that’s a bit thick to be honest.

Perhaps the man is sexist, perhaps he comes from a culture where a woman taking the man's name is a big deal, perhaps he is old (not meaning to be ageist, but he may have more traditional values if so). Many possible reasons.

It really wouldn't bother me if I had a husband who wanted me to take his name unless he started giving me a hard time if i didn't feel the same way. I would think that by the time you are at the engagement stage you would know each other pretty well, so if he was going to be an arsehole about it you'd be know and woudl have to decide if it worth being with him or not?

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness

Some men are abusive? Some women feel forced? Some women are pressured? Some unmarried couples want to agree on one name? I haven't done so myself but it isn't unfathomable unless you're thick?

Not every single one of these women are in abusive relationships.

Some women just do it because it’s “tradition” and the done thing. Without applying their mind to why they’re doing it. Or that, heaven forbid, their child could have their name.

I think that’s a bit thick to be honest.

But if the fiancee is abusive why woudl you go ahead with the marriage? in nearly all cases the abuse startes after the ring is on the finger. Abusers know to be perfectly charming before then. That is how they get away with it. There would be very few women in abusive marriages if they had known about it beforehand.

Of course, there are exceptions- of a woman is from a culture where women are very much oppressed and subjugated or their father might perform an honour killing on them if the marriage doesn't go ahead etc but generally women in the UK these days tend to marry at an age when they have their own lives and careers, money, home etc anyway.

My now DH just expected me to take his surname because all the women in his family had done that and he assumed it was what everyone did. If he’d tried to insist, it would have been a deal breaker for me, but once I explained my feelings and he thought about it some more, he got it.

Oh and I know several women who took their DH’s names and regretted it later. E.g. one became established in her career under her husband’s name, then the marriage broke down, and she felt she was stuck with it. Another’s husband came out as gay (years into the marriage, like Philip Schofield but not so high profile.). Everyone falling over themselves to praise him as brave and honest - what a joke, he was neither brave nor honest when he made his marriage vows, was he? She said it would have been easier if she wasn’t Mrs Hisname.

I don’t think any man who was pushy about this would be interested in marrying me.

Fortunately.

I do wonder sometimes if those women who say that taking their husband’s name is evidence of how committed they are or that they like being married to their husband realise how very stupid they sound.