To ask what you think about being expected to take husband's last name

[DisaK]

Long time MNetter

I'd like to ask what other MNetters think about men who expect their wives to take their last name when they get married and are very pushy about it.

Of course I know for some wives who really don't like their own surname or much prefer their DP's, there might be no issue at all.

What I'd like to know is what you think of men who are very adamant that women should take their name when they get married.

Nope. I would not be marrying a man who had such a strong opinion about something that has very little impact on him. If a woman wants to change her name, then that's her choice, it's not one I made myself but it's her choice to make. If a woman is pressured into changing her name by her husband that's something different, and I would be concerned about her in that he may well be controlling in other ways as well.

My dh never really expressed an opinion about me changing my name, which is good because I had no intention of doing so. The pressure from both families was interesting though. Mil chose our wedding day to have a "debate" with me about it, which was an interesting decision for someone who was so thrilled about the marriage My parents were supportive of my choice to keep my own name but it always came with a vague air of not really understanding me. They could cope with "dd1 has my name, so I won't be changing my name and leaving her out", they couldn't cope with "this has been my name for 36 years, why would I want to change it now?" All of my aunts and uncles send me birthday/Christmas cards addressed to Mrs dhsname, but they put money inside, so I forgive them

Expected to? Nope no way. If I wanted to that's different.

I don't understand why people bother to give their children their fathers' name if they're not married either.

Sexist. My DH did not care when I told him I wouldn't be taking his name. What's it to him?

I would assume that he was fairly controlling and would probably have other 'traditional' views on things like childcare and money.

I took my wife's name when we got married (we're both women). To me it was partly symbolic of cutting ties with my abusive family. I guess I'd have done the same if I married a man. But that was my decision. If someone insisted I took their name, I would see it as a red flag.

“Continuing to use a name that originated with a woman isn't patriarchal. Giving up your own woman's name for a man's automatically is.”

Well, if the name I was born with had come from my mother, then yes, changing my name to my husband’s would have been patriarchal.

But my birth name came from my dad and many men before him. So I was just replacing one patriarchal name with another. That’s how I see it.

But this didn’t matter massively to me tbh, because I see it for what it is and chose to do it anyway.

I think the most patriarchal / chauvinist men might even be those who don’t give a damn if you take their name or not. Makes it easier perhaps to bugger off and have multiple children with multiple mothers.

And before anyone comes on and says “Well my DH is no less committed to me and how dare you” Yes I know this and I’m not saying that having different names means you are less committed. Not at all. So please let’s not get sidelined by that.

I’m just saying there is a certain type of man that we read about every day in these threads who have no sense of obligation whatsoever and I think this is a more chauvinist attitude towards women than a man who may want you to have his name, but is also 100% committed and determined to do the right thing by you and any DC.

You might well be in a position to know that your surname only came to you through patriarchy into. If you say you are, I believe you, but most people aren't. Most women will be choosing between either a name that might have come to them solely through patriarchy and taking one that they know for sure they'd be getting solely through patriarchy.

Though even if you do know your own surname to have come to you entirely via patriarchy, it's still yours and thus you're still giving up your woman's name for a man's. This is why taking your husband's name is more patriarchal.

As for the rest, the fact that there exist other forms of chauvinism is irrelevant. Also, the surname the woman is using makes no difference whatsoever to how easy or hard it is for a man to leave the relationship. There just isn't a mechanism by which that could be true.

@MulticolourMophead
I share a name with my dad. But it's my name, I've had it for a very long time. And, as a matter of fact, my dad changed his name by deed poll a year before he married mum, so he hasn't had the name much longer than I have.

I know its probably just a coincidence, but my ex did this (changed his name to mine) about a year before he married and had a daughter

Got the strangest feeling reading your post.

even if you do know your own surname to have come to you entirely via patriarchy, it's still yours and thus you're still giving up your woman's name for a man's. This is why taking your husband's name is more patriarchal.

Yes! How could this not be the case? Arguing otherwise is just contrarian.

a man who may want you to have his name, but is also 100% committed and determined to do the right thing by you and any DC.

Someone hold my hair back as I need to vomit having read that. This ‘noble patriarch’ bullshit can get fucked, as can any man who expects me to give up my name in exchange for the most basic of social obligations- respecting a partner and sharing the work of raising the children she gave birth to. Does he want a gold medal and a cash prize as well?

@HarlinRay

a man who may want you to have his name, but is also 100% committed and determined to do the right thing by you and any DC.

Someone hold my hair back as I need to vomit having read that. This ‘noble patriarch’ bullshit can get fucked, as can any man who expects me to give up my name in exchange for the most basic of social obligations- respecting a partner and sharing the work of raising the children she gave birth to. Does he want a gold medal and a cash prize as well?

Yes, there was an unfortunate element of man bestowing the privilege of his name onto worthy woman in that one, wasn't there?

Outdated idea. Perhaps going forward all men should take their wives surname!

I’d think twice about marrying him!

[quote MistyGreenAndBlue]@MulticolourMophead
I share a name with my dad. But it's my name, I've had it for a very long time. And, as a matter of fact, my dad changed his name by deed poll a year before he married mum, so he hasn't had the name much longer than I have.

I know its probably just a coincidence, but my ex did this (changed his name to mine) about a year before he married and had a daughter

Got the strangest feeling reading your post.[/quote]
Unless your ex is in his mid 70s, then it probably isn't me.... I'm in my 50s

Yes well my birth name came to me via my father who I have a very difficult relationship and his father who is pretty much unmentionable to me, so it definitely felt like patriarchal association to the very worst kind of man. It was a relief to get rid of it and sever that identification.

Maybe if you have positive relationships with your dad and grandfather, it may feel different and less oppressive to be named after them. I wouldn’t know. Everyone is different and people have their own reasons and perspectives.

I think any woman that is with a man like that should be running for hills because I’m willing to bet that he wouldn’t stop at just trying to get his own way over a surname. My husband and I had this conversation long before we where even engaged and had already decided that we where going double barrel our surname and that’s exactly what we did when we got married last year.

It might well feel less oppressive to do the more patriarchal thing, yes. People have all kinds of different feelings and preferences. The facts remain the same, but our responses to them might vary.

And I’m not talking about “bestowing privilege.” Eh? Those are your twist on my words pps.

I’m saying that men who are more traditional than others are not necessarily any more controlling. It’s to simplistic to make these kind of brushstroke statements. People can be controlling in different ways.

DH was surprised I changed my name. He didn’t mind what I did. I think now I’d act differently and keep my original name. Though I prefer the sound of his.

@intotheb1ue

And I’m not talking about “bestowing privilege.” Eh? Those are your twist on my words pps.

I’m saying that men who are more traditional than others are not necessarily any more controlling. It’s to simplistic to make these kind of brushstroke statements. People can be controlling in different ways.

Well no, you said quite a bit more than that actually.

I did and I will again if I remarry

It’s choice for the women. I was going to keep a professional name as separate from a social name. It was my then boss who suggested I rethink and reduce complications by choosing one or the other - and since I’d accepted a ring on my finger perhaps I should accept his name: Particularly as I was pregnant within a week of marriage and the child might want us all to have the same name.
I would probably have chosen otherwise if I felt pushed into it by my husband.

Dp and I have solved this by not getting married! And before people line up to tell me that marriage offers protection....not in my case. I'm the higher earner.

If my DH had insisted then I wouldn't have married him. I did change my name but never really put much thought into it at the time. If I had my time again I would have kept my own surname and DC would be double barreled.

My dh has a not great name but I was really surprised when we got married that I really wanted to take it. He said he'd take my name but I just thought of it like I got the engagement ring, it would be nice for me to take his name. Whatever way you do it I do think it's easierif you have kids that the mum and dad have the same name so it's a family name- ah here's the (insert name here) family

I think any man that feels his surname is more important than his partner's happiness is a douchecanoe. There is simply no good reason for any man to want his partner to take his name other than narcissism.