To ask what you think about being expected to take husband's last name

[DisaK]

Long time MNetter

I'd like to ask what other MNetters think about men who expect their wives to take their last name when they get married and are very pushy about it.

Of course I know for some wives who really don't like their own surname or much prefer their DP's, there might be no issue at all.

What I'd like to know is what you think of men who are very adamant that women should take their name when they get married.

I’d think he was a prick and run for the hills. No man should be forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do.

@Itisbetter

I think everyone I know decided for themselves, as someone else said up thread.

I’m not sure how I think about women who insist on keeping Daddy’s name. I guess you choose what you think works for you?

It's not 'daddy's name' you utter nincompoop it's mine

If their partners are adamant, then they’re dickheads.

DH didn’t give a shit whether I took his name or not. Personally, I jumped at the chance to change my name, because my maiden name was stupid and DH’s surname is really cool.

I changed my name when I got married because A) I hated it, and B) I hated my dad. Easy decision, therefore, so perhaps I shouldn’t get an opinion.

However, if I had liked my name I wouldn’t have changed it. I hate how it’s the norm and expected. My biggest pet hate is when a baby is given the dads surname- why is this the default? If I hadn’t changed my name, I would 100% be giving any offspring my name. Hate how people presume the man takes the lead when the women seemingly does the bulk of the heavy lifting when it comes to kids- including childbirth!

It's a massive red flag to me. I would want to end the relationship.

@Itisbetter
I’m not sure how I think about women who insist on keeping Daddy’s namehmm. I guess you choose what you think works for you?

Why are you assuming it's their 'daddy's name'? Plenty of young people have their mother's original surname, for a myriad of reasons.

Bad start for a marriage. And probably telling for how he will be as a husband....

I knew a woman this happened to, she gave in. They’re now divorced and I don’t know how she feels about it (no longer in touch). I thought he was an arse to demand it

Why are you asking OP?

I'd think he's probably not very strong or confident in himself. Men who are pretty secure about themselves don't feel the need to push their partners into losing their own name against their will. I'd also be wary of anyone who's unable to put their partners wishes at the same level as their own, at a point when they are supposed to be showing that they'll be a team.

I'd think he's not the man I want to marry

Thank you everyone! Just to clarify, it's not me in this position right now - it was once and sure enough, he was misogynistic twat with a very fragile ego, but now my friend is going through the same fuss about a name change and I wanted to know what others thought and be able to give her a "less biased" opinion, rather than one coloured by my own negative experience.

I wish I'd known about MN at the time when it related to me, I think it would have saved me an awful lot of trouble.

In my situation, I used to get nagged about it all the time, every time mail arrived with MY name on it, I'd get a bitchy remark then a petulant mood from him and his DM even decided to get involved. She used to go on at me as well, pretending to think that I had changed my name. When she sent me a Christmas cheque for a tenner, payable to my name with his surname I just thought FFS, I've made a mistake marrying into this family.

No one EVER tells men that their last name is their father's and not theirs. Never
Seriously??? I think it’s a fairly mainstream idea. Disgracing you’re fathers/family name blah blah

I find it pretty patronising well, yes. It’s a fairly large marker of a patriarchy that your fathers father fathers (etc) name is stamped on you from birth.

If you actually think of the name as “yours” then I would suggest you have swallowed the whole thing hook line and sinker.

Well unless there's some exceptional reason (and none springs to mind), I'd think he was a bit of an arse (mildest version)

DH never expressed an opinion on me sticking with my birth name. so I don't know how I'd have reacted to someone who insisted.

Most countries don't do this do they? France, Spain, Canada, Italy etc etc

I find it so odd that all my UK friends changed their name.

I wouldn't marry someone who expected me to take their name and watch adamant about it.

And I say that as someone who did change their name.

I took my ex husband name when I was younger and lost part of my identity, best day was walking out the solicitors office with my own name.

I'm currently engaged and partner completely gets that I'm keeping my name this time. It's a partnership. Historically on marriage under English law you became your husbands possession and taking his name is a throw back to that.

was adamant.

@MadinMarch Plenty of young people have their mother's original surname, for a myriad of reasons. well yes I was specifically talking about those that had their fathers, as posted.

It's a red flag.

My exMIL cried when I wrote our first names followed by surname on letters. As in, ‘from Joe and Freda Bloggs’. I should have written ‘mr and mrs bloggs’. Literally sobbing, because what would people thing. Should have got out then!!

I think he'd be a bit of a twat with misogynist views that he couldn't quite articulate.
I think he'd probably be dumped by anyone with a penchant for critical thinking but would find a partner who thought it was romantic and the two would live happily ever after and they'd buy one of those little family drawings from Estsy or Not on the High Street that has 'The Smiths' or whatever in tiny little stick people.

I'd think him a moron and continue as I am. Professionally I kept my surname, as I've built a career and no one knows me by my married name.
But in my personal life I took his, it suits me better than my maiden name, and it's the name we gave our dcs.

It's not 'daddy's name' you utter nincompoop it's mine

I took DHs name. We didn’t even discuss it TBH we are both traditionally minded and I never considered not being Mrs Outing. It is totally MY NAME, it’s been my name for nearly 30 years! Traditional doesn’t mean sexist or abusive! Yes I was a SAHM as that was what we BOTH wanted for our family and I had full access to all OUR money. So long as these things are shared values that’s all that matters. Incidentally all my married friends and in some cases their recently married children have taken the husbands name.

It doesn't bother me at all as I love the tradition of it. For me it was never in doubt if I got married I'd take my husbands name. I couldn't wait when I got married.
I know my husband liked the idea of me taking his name and would have felt a bit disappointed if I didn't.