To ask what you think about being expected to take husband's last name

[DisaK]

Long time MNetter

I'd like to ask what other MNetters think about men who expect their wives to take their last name when they get married and are very pushy about it.

Of course I know for some wives who really don't like their own surname or much prefer their DP's, there might be no issue at all.

What I'd like to know is what you think of men who are very adamant that women should take their name when they get married.

I think it entirely depends. Where would he like you to take it?

Seriously though, it should be a matter of choice. It's traditional, but traditions aren't laws. I didn't. My choice. He never even considered it a matter worthy of discussion. And isn't that the point? If he thinks it worthy of discussion, then the surname you are known by is not your problem.

@ILoveMyDog14 - why are you proud to have your DH’s surname?

Could he not have taken yours? I don’t have DH’s surname as I already have my own (I also don’t have an engagement or wedding ring - don’t need jewellery to know who I married 25 years ago). Our DC’s have a double barrelled surname to reflect their family history as being from both of their parents.

Losing the surname tradition actually makes me very sad; I find it really divisive to the family unit (when there is one) where the husband has his surname and the wife and kids have another. The kids don't just belong to her!

The DC don't belong to anyone, we don't own other people.

Meanwhile, my DC and I have different surnames, and it hasn't been divisive at all. We are still very much a family unit.

I always think it's funny the amount of women who deem taking their husband's surname to be old fashioned/outdated/obsolete, yet are more than happy not to dispute the tradition that has them sporting a very expensive engagement ring on their finger!!

This sounds like you don't get that we all pick and choose the traditions we like. I expect you don't want to observe the tradition of a husband automatically having the right to sex with his wife, even though that's a much more customary and globally common part of marriage than the woman taking the man's surname.

I just asked my Oh what he thinks - for the record I don't think it's necessary and i dont particularly like the idea . He thinks it's tradition and I should take his name maybe double barrel , he on the other hand won't double barrel he said- hmm double standards!

I always think it's funny the amount of women who deem taking their husband's surname to be old fashioned/outdated/obsolete, yet are more than happy not to dispute the tradition that has them sporting a very expensive engagement ring on their finger!!

I don’t understand what you mean. Are you saying that if someone buys into one tradition they have to buy into all of them? Or that wearing a ring is somehow equivalent to name changing?

I don't think I I would get far enough into a relationship with a man like that to worry about marriage! Sounds very insecure at best and controlling at worst. I would wonder what other decisions a man like that would want to enforce on me.

As it happens, I did take my dh name, with the title Ms. He had said it would be nice if I did (tradition, nice to have same name blah blah) but beyond mentioning that was supportive of whatever I chose. I like that dh ds and I have the same surname. If dh had pushed I probably would have kept my name to make a point because I am childish although I love the bones of him, neither of us has the right to force the other into a decision.

The real irony is that Miss, Mrs and Ms are all abbreviations of exactly same word: mistress. The idea of a strict demarcation between the various truncations of that word according to status is the stuff of parody. In a century's time people will look back on that odd historical quirk and laugh, same as we do the Victorian myth that they all covered up their table and piano legs.

All that's strange enough. Even worse is the insistence on the quaintly peculiar term 'maiden name'. That's tantamount to announcing 'My name is Van Arkle (or should that be Heslop?) and I am a virgin!

Sod that. No bloke has ever, willingly or unwillingly, concurred with such utter nonsense. Mary Wollstonecraft must be turning in her grave.

This infuriates me. It is NOT traditional for women to take their husband's surname on marriage, especially in Scotland. It's only happened in the last (say) 150 years, for reasons to do mostly with bureaucracy and official recording of family names.
Did Anne Boleyn take her husband's surname (Henry Tudor)? No. Did Shakespeare's wife (Anne Hathaway)? No. Etc Etc.
Among ordinary women, the picture is rather briefly outlined here seattlebridemag.com/expert-wedding-advice/history-behind-maiden-vs-married-names
and (very importantly) here www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/mistress-miss-mrs-or-ms-untangling-the-shifting-history-of-titles

I find it odd this is even being discussed on here, it sounds so antediluvian. Not one of my circle took their husband's name I'm in my late 40s, and my friends have been getting married, and in some cases remarried, since the mid-90s and it never even occurred to me or my husband.

DS has both our surnames as a matter of course. Again, this was taken for granted by both of us. The only thing we discussed was what order they sounded better in. Half his class at school have both parents' surnames.

@MagMell

I took exh's name, most of my friends did (can only think of one who didn't close to me) same age as you. We are all university educated and many have PhDs

However, if your spouse is adamant about you taking his name perhaps he is more traditional. Perhaps this is a way you can show your husband that you appreciate his feelings. It can make you stronger as a couple if you are willing to sacrifice for each other.

I think that's the dopiest advice I've seen on here in some time, or close to it. Why not see whether your husband-to-be likes the idea of taking your name as a reactionary leftover of his former status as legal chattel of yours? What, poor diddums doesn't like the idea? Well, he should sacrifice for you. It will make you stronger as a couple.

If I marry my partner I am not taking his surname. He is welcome to take mine if he wishes but it's his choice the same as it's mine.

We are all university educated and many have PhDs

So do we. In fact, a significant chunk of my friendships are from my DPhil cohort. Not one woman has changed her name, or hived off her professional name from her 'married name'.