Why are posters sometimes so vile on Mumsnet?

[Betchetybetch]

This place can seem quite hostile at times. The way some posters speak to others is sometimes quite vile. I’ve been here for 3 years, and I have seen many a head-tilty post along the lines of:

‘OP, you seem like hard work.’

‘OP, you need to give your head a wobble.’

‘I’m sorry but you have brought this on yourself.’

‘You need to need to look at your parenting decisions.’

And my most recent favourite: ‘OP, you sound like a peach.’ What does that even mean?

I know it’s the internet, but really, what is to be gained from posting things like this? Why does the age old, ‘if you you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything’ not apply to online communication?

I imagine you’ll ask why I don’t just leave, I’m planning to after this thread, as this is just not the experience I signed up for. Just looking to get some insight as to why it’s like this here before I go.

Let the pile on commence!

I know it’s the internet, but really, what is to be gained from posting things like this? Why does the age old, ‘if you you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything’ not apply to online communication?

You don't think there's ever anything to be gained from disagreeing with or challenging someone's views, in person or on the internet? Do you pass through your life simpering 'Whatever you say, dear' to everyone from flat earthers to people who advocate curing cancer with coffee enemas?

@viragoesque no I don’t. But neither do I pick pointless arguments with new mothers who have asked how they can get their baby to sleep, or why their neighbour has blocked their drive, or tell them that their MIL was right to call them a cunt.

I think there's disagreeing, and then there's disagreeing in a deliberately condescending or insulting manner.

I agree with you totally OP. But please don’t leave because of it, the lovely, helpful, kind and constructive posters make up for the truly vile trolls on here.
I think the nasties have nothing better to do than put people down, I feel they must have something seriously lacking in their own lives to say such horrible things. They enjoy going on an anonymous platform and saying things that they wouldn’t dream of saying to someone’s face in real life.
I think the old adage if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all is so true. I like to post if I have something helpful and supportive to say otherwise I just wouldn’t dream of sticking my oar in.

I agree that it can be hostile and that there seem to be a fair number of posters who are just here to stick the boot in.

Some of those comments do need more context explained, but they aren’t pleasant.

I agree. Some threads are totally down the rabbit hole but broadly speaking I think there’s lots to fear from a web culture where you come for advice but nobody will tell you you’re wrong. I posted once convinced my DH had been utterly unreasonable and everyone thought I had overreacted. It gave me real pause.

Generally I try not to be unpleasant (although I will be pretty frank with anyone arguing against science).

The issue is sometimes OP is a dick. Not just that, but they're an entitled,righteous , there's no way I'm not right dick or they are vile/horrible to/about others.

So they get told that. Which is entirely fair enough, and possibly more helpful than silence or more "you go hun" encouragement just in case we burst their deluded bubble.

OP, you sound like a peach.’ What does that even mean?

Could someone please explain it to me too? (In English! 😂)

@mbosnz

I think there's disagreeing, and then there's disagreeing in a deliberately condescending or insulting manner.

This.

Occasionally an OP needs telling pretty bluntly that their attitude is out of line, but nowhere near as often as the condesending insults come out.

Often I read a comment and think "ouch!" then look at the poster and realise it's one of those who is always contrary and inevitably aims to stick the boot in. For some it's just attention seeking to feed the ego. Some people like Katie Hopkins make a career out of it.

You don't think there's ever anything to be gained from disagreeing with or challenging someone's views, in person or on the internet? Do you pass through your life simpering 'Whatever you say, dear' to everyone from flat earthers to people who advocate curing cancer with coffee enemas?
Of course you can disagree or think someone is in the wrong but that never justifies going on with a personal insult or condescending tone as the default.

@letmethinkaboutitfornow

OP, you sound like a peach.’ What does that even mean?

Could someone please explain it to me too? (In English! 😂)

It's sarcastitic, they're not that sweet really.

Do you think this is a uniquely mumsnet thing though? Isn't it just a characteristic of many anonymous forums and therefore prevalent on all social media.

I don't do twitter but can't avoid seeing quotes that have come from there and it seems people can be utterly vile to other people when they know they cannot be identified.

AIBU is a strange beast I think because sometimes it can be sympathetic, supportive, funny and intelligent. Other times it is just people sticking the boot in. Perhaps safest to say that if you want to post somewhere for uncritical support no matter what then this is not the right place!

I've had the 'you sound like a peach', directed at me, very early on. I assumed the poster was trying to tell me that I did not sound like their cup of tea. So to speak. I thought that was very likely to be the case - and vice versa!

@BogRollBOGOF - THANK YOU 😊

That’s really not nice then...

I don’t mind criticism and healthy, robust debate. What I mind is posters being quite so relentlessly condescended to. I don’t know if it’s the same on other similar platforms, I don’t use them. I would imagine it is though.

"You're a peach" is used like a star, sweet, nice,helpful etc.

In the context you're referring to it's being used sarcastically, so the complete opposite.

@mbosnz

I've had the 'you sound like a peach', directed at me, very early on. I assumed the poster was trying to tell me that I did not sound like their cup of tea. So to speak. I thought that was very likely to be the case - and vice versa!

OK, I thought it might be something to do with a local accent or a unique Welsh, Scottish...expression

@Betchetybetch sorry for deviating from the subject ☺️

I genuinely think that some people who complain about unpleasantness on Mn must live in some kind of 'You go, hun!' echo chamber in their actual lives. Yes, absolutely there's a certain amount of unpleasantness online, as there is in actual life, but you sometimes have the impression on here that some posters have literally never had someone bluntly disagree with them/dispute their logic/point out the fallacies in their beliefs, their prejudices or their misinformation.

Which I suppose is supported by the significant minority of people who seem completely unable to handle the most minor confrontation at work or refusing a request from a family member, hence all the threads about inventing errands in the opposite direction to avoid giving freeloading colleagues a daily lift to and from work or agreeing to do free childcare for a neighbour, rather than simply saying no.

No worries! Thanks all for explaining that particularly MNism!

There are thousands and thousands of women on here, and a few blokes to TBF

Obviously some people are not very pleasant.

Do you expect every person you meet in RL to be nice? And most of us meet fewer people in real life than the massive pool of people on here.

I like a good healthy debate, it would be boring if we were all of the same opinion. I do not like it when a thread descends into personal insults, it's totally unnecessary and smacks of a lack of intelligence from the poster.

I think you're a peach is American origin isn't it?

In grease they use it a lot in various ways.

It's gotten worse and worse and driven lots of posters away. Disagreeing with someone can be done without insulting them and no one needs to be told "bluntly" anything. It accomplishes nothing except to allow the person being blunt to preen and think of themselves as somehow superior.

If you think some are vitriolic here don't go near Reddit

A random question re. looking for a new place to live saw some troll single me out saying they hoped my eventual house burned down with me in it. I don't know what I did to deserve that but I responded with a thank you for your opinion, I hope you have a good day and that you find the inner peace you need to conquer your anger issues.

Blocked and moved on, but it did upset me, TBH.

Sorry, derailed a bit