Why are posters sometimes so vile on Mumsnet?

[Betchetybetch]

This place can seem quite hostile at times. The way some posters speak to others is sometimes quite vile. I’ve been here for 3 years, and I have seen many a head-tilty post along the lines of:

‘OP, you seem like hard work.’

‘OP, you need to give your head a wobble.’

‘I’m sorry but you have brought this on yourself.’

‘You need to need to look at your parenting decisions.’

And my most recent favourite: ‘OP, you sound like a peach.’ What does that even mean?

I know it’s the internet, but really, what is to be gained from posting things like this? Why does the age old, ‘if you you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything’ not apply to online communication?

I imagine you’ll ask why I don’t just leave, I’m planning to after this thread, as this is just not the experience I signed up for. Just looking to get some insight as to why it’s like this here before I go.

Let the pile on commence!

I don't think any of your examples are that bad OP. I think we all tiptoe around people so much in real life it is satisfying to finally give an honest opinion without the frills and soft soaping. Especially as it is specifically asked for.

However threats, name calling etc are unacceptable in any context.

YANBU, there are some people who lose their manners completely when somebody posts a view they disagree with. It's fine to challenge other people's views, but there is no need to be aggressive or spiteful. I doubt the keyboard warriors and trolls are as forthcoming in real life with their views, but anonymity makes them feel brave.

OP, vile posts can be upsetting but I think the majority of people on this forum try to be helpful and polite, so don't let the nasty posters drive you away.

@spikyplants noted, thank you! I will definitely stay away from Reddit. That is horrible I wonder why they bother? What do they get out of it?

Those statements are vile?

They seem very mild to me. Maybe it's about perspective.

Whenever a thread with an innocuous title has more than 100 posts I always skip to the end first to see how it’s descended into a slanging match of personal insults.

It never fails to amaze me what some people get riled about. Imagine a thread:

“I had a baby three weeks ago, I’m exhausted as I haven’t slept for four nights and have been struggling with BF. Last night the baby finally went to sleep at 8 which is a first, and I went and sat in the kitchen and had a glass of wine. And then half an hour later baby woke up. I’m just so exhausted I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.”

And then someone will reply

“You have a three week old and you left it alone so you could drink? You should be ashamed of yourself.”

And if the insult happens early enough into the thread then the majority of other posters will pile in to agree, and the OP’s real issue will be completely overlooked.

Not pleasant but Jesus Christ the examples you have given are far from vile. Give your head a wobble - so far from vile and insulting.

Sometimes people need a shove to make the realise they need to reassess their priorities, attitude, whatever. Sometimes people are unnecessarily blunt in telling them, & instead use it as an opportunity to stick the boot in. Especially when the OP seems stubborn, it's likely to result in a pile-on, which is never attractive. I suspect it's this behaviour that's got MN its reputation as a Viper's Nest. We're women, we're supposed to be "nice". Men are encouraged to be Strong, Good Leaders, authoritative. Women are decried as Bossy Harridans. Why is that? I wonder if MN would have the same reputation if it wasn't primarily used by women?

Sometimes the truth, or what someone needs to hear, isn't pleasant or comfortable.

@Betchetybetch full of incels/neckbeards, etc. They even join subreddits like any of the Ask Women ones just to spew hatred because they can't interact properly with us either online or real life. Makes them feel good for about 2 seconds. Pathetic wretches.

I only stay for the cat/cute animal/houseplant help subs

Utterly shocked to be called “pathetic “ on here and literally ripped limb from limb for saying that I was loving my days off from work during lock down. I’m a front line nurse working 50-60 hours a week on a covid ward.
The people replying seemed to fire each other up until there was a band of them on me. I was called insensitive, selfish and pathetic.

The point of my post was to introduce some positivity in an awful situation, I was asking if others had found any glint of joy amongst the horror of covid and what was it?

Totally turned on it’s head.
Left a very bad taste in my mouth did that.

Some people do seem to feel very firmly on some quite surprising matters!

I think there are just a lot of trolls that deliberately jump on a thread to create an argument. It seems more and more threads are getting taken down for offence language used.

The problem with the internet and mumsnet is some problem take it seriously and want to have a proper conversation, others just want a bit of light entertainment and will deliberately disagree with anyone. Other people want an echo chamber where everyone agrees with them.

The sad thing is I've noticed times where people have apologised for the way they've said something and the offence it's caused and not one person that jumped on them has had the strength to acknowledge the apology. Just shows you how little people actually care. But how easily they will attack.

Nothing wrong with disagreements but some posters thrive on putting the boot in. Some are incredibly predictable too. A poster will write "I was eating my dinner at 8pm & heard a noise". Within a minute the poster will be dragged over the coals for saying dinner &/or eating so late.

I don't find MN anywhere near as bad as FB, Twitter or IG. I couldn't believe what people get say with, when I ventured into IG and FB last year. I don't have either anymore, but it really is horrendous stuff. Racist, mysoginistic, homophobic, anti trans etc etc, very non inclusive stuff said on lots of mainstream sites. The stuff I saw on their wouldn't stay on MN 5 minutes. The difference on here is that you can't filter out the shitheads. You can't block people, except from your DMs and you can't pick and choose following certain people - if you click on a thread, there is every chance you will not like what someone has to say. On IG you can create your own little bubble where you only hear from like minded people, which I don't actually think is always a good thing.

@Viragoesque

I genuinely think that some people who complain about unpleasantness on Mn must live in some kind of 'You go, hun!' echo chamber in their actual lives. Yes, absolutely there's a certain amount of unpleasantness online, as there is in actual life, but you sometimes have the impression on here that some posters have literally never had someone bluntly disagree with them/dispute their logic/point out the fallacies in their beliefs, their prejudices or their misinformation.

Which I suppose is supported by the significant minority of people who seem completely unable to handle the most minor confrontation at work or refusing a request from a family member, hence all the threads about inventing errands in the opposite direction to avoid giving freeloading colleagues a daily lift to and from work or agreeing to do free childcare for a neighbour, rather than simply saying no.

^that

None of the things in your OP are that bad.

Get away with*

There*

There was a thread yesterday about the art of debate and how, these days, people just shout at each other online. It is possible to disagree with someone without being rude or unpleasant. But people’s opinions are very polarised, particularly now, and even topics that you might think innocuous seem to engender vitriol.

When people are asking for advice, it seems particularly unpleasant. On the other hand, there are those threads where the OP seems to be asking for advice , but really is just wanting a validation of their opinion.

Because they can be
Because they want to hurt people
Because it’s safe to hurt people online

I think Mumsnet isn’t a very healthy place on the whole - treating someone like shit, and being direct, are 2 different things and pretty often here it’s the former. Of course it’s not everyone but it’s enough - so many snide comments, people assuming the worst and really revelling in their witty judgment of others.

@crosser62 positivity during COVID was not allowed. It was the main rule of lockdown. Ot was quite funny once you saw it for what it was competitive misery and doom Olympics with "I'm better at staying at home than you" as a special mention.

But what if OP really is a heard work😱

Are you referring to your AMA OP?

Getting married at 22 is not really outlandish/different/noteworthy.

I think there's disagreeing, and then there's disagreeing in a deliberately condescending or insulting manner.

^this

I always think a sarcastic comment aimed at someone who is obviously struggling (whether they are BU or not) says more about the poster than the OP.

Don't feel you have to leave, OP. Yes there are posters who are deliberately antagonistic, but there are a lot of others who are very supportive and have really given me helpful advice. And I've also found AIBU helpful a couple of times; I needed honest advice and I knew I would get it on here. There are times when we do need to 'give our heads a wobble'.

There are posters who push it too far, which can't be avoided as this is the internet and anyone can come on here and post whatever shite they want. If they're not helpful just move on. It really isn't personal.

I think this is a really interesting comment (by @Defenbaker), and it's one that's often used on threads like this - and there have been loads like this over the years!:

I doubt the keyboard warriors and trolls are as forthcoming in real life

One of the great joys (but also difficulties) of the internet is precisely this - that we don't have to behave like we do in real life. So often we don't say what we really think, because we don't want to offend, or we dislike confrontation or - simply because we're women, we think we have to be 'nice'!

Online you can say it like it is. No need to sugar the pill.

That's not to defend personal attacks, of course. But the examples you've given are not that bad.